Anonymous wrote:This is a really positive thread, and echoes exactly what I do with my toxic NPD MIL, and the good results. It also helps when your husband has your back and has some understanding of his mother, but you can take the high road and keep firm boundaries regardless of what anyone else does.

Yes, it is KEY to me that my DH realizes his mother is difficult. It didn't start that way, because she was just his mother, and he didn't think about it much. But once we got married, I was there, holding up a mirror and showing him what she looked like. It took time. Lots of smaller conversations about ways she made me uncomfortable and ways she was NOT welcoming. I had to do a lot of reassuring him that I didn't hate his mother, she was just difficult and I needed his support. I did a lot of telling him that I WANT to have a good relationship with her, and that's why I wanted to talk about it. It wasn't a "let's tear down your mother because she sucks" thing. It was a "how can I fit this woman into my life". I had to reassure a LOT that I knew she'd be a wonderful grandmother (she is) and that I very much wanted her in our lives, but that I needed HELP from him in managing her moods/expectations and negativity.

It's been 10 years, 5 married. We are in a good spot now. My DH absorbs a good amount from her. We know she is still critical of our lives, but both of us have been able to grow a thicker skin and not care so much. We treat her with love and kindness. If we can let her "win" one, we DO. If it's something we aren't flexible on, we just kindly stay firm. It helps now we have a young child to spend our visits focusing on. She is a much more loving grandmother than MIL, and for that I am very thankful. I know she'd do anything for my child, and that helps me feel more loving to her. That's what I focus on when she makes other comments that bother me.

Anonymous wrote:This is a really positive thread, and echoes exactly what I do with my toxic NPD MIL, and the good results. It also helps when your husband has your back and has some understanding of his mother, but you can take the high road and keep firm boundaries regardless of what anyone else does.

+1

Unfortunately, most people (DHs included) tend to not own their sh*t, which is the problem. Otherwise, more DHs would stand up to the obvious misgivings of bitter MILs.

This is a really positive thread, and echoes exactly what I do with my toxic NPD MIL, and the good results. It also helps when your husband has your back and has some understanding of his mother, but you can take the high road and keep firm boundaries regardless of what anyone else does.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I guess what I'd start with is compassion. I think for me, that was part of the key. Trying to get why she is the way she is. Once I really understood that, I felt pretty empathetic towards her, and then became a lot more understanding of why she said things, or did things, in a difficult/controlling way. I am not sure most difficult people started off that way, or in anyway are trying to upset those around them.

It helps that I have a mother who can be a little overly anxious at times and I've had to be able to empathetic without getting sucked in with her too. She has different problems - constant worrier, not a constant criticizer. But still, the inherent problem is that I was internalizing everything said to me by everyone and it was driving me crazy.

The thing is, when you choose to let them be negative/critical WITHOUT responding/snapping back, and without getting your DH involved, there's nothing for them to say anymore. after a while, she stopped talking to me in that way because I always gave very vague responses or 'mmmhmmm yeah you could be correct. i'll look into it', etc. etc.

I used to be tense every time I was around her. Sometimes I would cry before I would have to see her (privately). She was very destructive in our marriage and did a lot of unkind things to me.

I just let go of my response. It's very freeing.

PP here. I love this and really needed to hear this. I would also love to hear other coping mechanisms, if OP is okay with that. It really is difficult, trying to meld two different worlds. In my case, DH will not stand up to her, and Mil knows it, so MIL tries to take advantage, and DH ends up seeing Mil without me - because really, who needs it. Ideally, I would have the armor needed (and be as cold and callous as MIL) to be in the same room as MIL.

Anonymous wrote:I always try to remember this about toxic people - it's not about you, it's about them. They're just acting the way that toxic people do and it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, you'd be a target.

+10000

Amen, sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you elaborate? I would need a more specific how-to guide in order to implement your strategy.

I'm not OP, but I also tell myself "drop the rope" all the time. I struggle with my MIL too, but this has been my mantra. The main result when I am able to do it successfully is that I FEEL BETTER. It does not immediately change the way she acts. She is still a difficult person. But I was attempting to exert control, even if it was subtle, and when that would backfire, I would get really upset. So part of it is dropping the expectation that the other person (your MIL) will change. She will not change! Most likely.

Just being able to do that, to stop the expectation that she will change, work on accepting things AS IS, and pushing back only when it's important has helped a lot. Also, having my DH on my side. He and I are 100% on the same page with our family decisions. If his mother doesn't like that, she can complain to him. He's getting better at keeping a good amount of these complaints away from me so I don't even have to hear about it.

She still hurts my feelings here and there, but by this point, I have learn to anticipate her negative reactions to things. She is visibly annoyed that I have a family who loves each other. I hate this aspect. But when everyone gets together, and she's is clearly tense about it, I IGNORE IT COMPLETELY. It's so freeing. I just act like everything is FINE AND NORMAL. She almost always comes out looking bad. And slowly, very slowly, I think she might be thawing towards my own family. Maybe. I'm holding out a little hope, but not pinning my hopes and dreams on it. It's her loss though, my family rocks.

So yes, drop the rope. Live it.

+1

New poster here. This is my MIL. I really appreciate hearing your story. Thank you.

The more I try to "play nice" with my MIL it just backfires (no explodes full throttle) in my face. I guess you can't be nice to some people? Anyway, thanks.

Question to OP-- is your MIL an over-sharer? I think my MIL and I would have a much better relationship if I, like you, would "let down my guard," but (in addition to many other challenging attributes) my MIL shares personal details with everyone (she put her daughter's miscarriage news on Facebook; I know who in the extended family had a drinking problem- even though it's not an issue anymore, etc). I'm very private and therefore just don't tell her anything, but I truly would prefer it if we had s better relationship.

Op here.

I guess what I'd start with is compassion. I think for me, that was part of the key. Trying to get why she is the way she is. Once I really understood that, I felt pretty empathetic towards her, and then became a lot more understanding of why she said things, or did things, in a difficult/controlling way. I am not sure most difficult people started off that way, or in anyway are trying to upset those around them.

It helps that I have a mother who can be a little overly anxious at times and I've had to be able to empathetic without getting sucked in with her too. She has different problems - constant worrier, not a constant criticizer. But still, the inherent problem is that I was internalizing everything said to me by everyone and it was driving me crazy.

The thing is, when you choose to let them be negative/critical WITHOUT responding/snapping back, and without getting your DH involved, there's nothing for them to say anymore. after a while, she stopped talking to me in that way because I always gave very vague responses or 'mmmhmmm yeah you could be correct. i'll look into it', etc. etc.

I used to be tense every time I was around her. Sometimes I would cry before I would have to see her (privately). She was very destructive in our marriage and did a lot of unkind things to me.

I just let go of my response. It's very freeing.

I always try to remember this about toxic people - it's not about you, it's about them. They're just acting the way that toxic people do and it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, you'd be a target.

Some great stories here. Thanks for sharing!

My MIL has been very nasty to me and almost destroyed our marriage, but she loves my children. I can deal with her now, but, honestly, I feel upset/jealous that my children love her. I'd never say anything to them and always smile and encourage to spend time with her, but inside I cry "how can you enjoy the company of that bitch when she's mistreating your mother". I guess, I am good at hiding my feelings, but it's hard.

Anonymous wrote:Can you elaborate? I would need a more specific how-to guide in order to implement your strategy.

I'm not OP, but I also tell myself "drop the rope" all the time. I struggle with my MIL too, but this has been my mantra. The main result when I am able to do it successfully is that I FEEL BETTER. It does not immediately change the way she acts. She is still a difficult person. But I was attempting to exert control, even if it was subtle, and when that would backfire, I would get really upset. So part of it is dropping the expectation that the other person (your MIL) will change. She will not change! Most likely.

Just being able to do that, to stop the expectation that she will change, work on accepting things AS IS, and pushing back only when it's important has helped a lot. Also, having my DH on my side. He and I are 100% on the same page with our family decisions. If his mother doesn't like that, she can complain to him. He's getting better at keeping a good amount of these complaints away from me so I don't even have to hear about it.

She still hurts my feelings here and there, but by this point, I have learn to anticipate her negative reactions to things. She is visibly annoyed that I have a family who loves each other. I hate this aspect. But when everyone gets together, and she's is clearly tense about it, I IGNORE IT COMPLETELY. It's so freeing. I just act like everything is FINE AND NORMAL. She almost always comes out looking bad. And slowly, very slowly, I think she might be thawing towards my own family. Maybe. I'm holding out a little hope, but not pinning my hopes and dreams on it. It's her loss though, my family rocks.

So yes, drop the rope. Live it.

I can relate to this. My MIL said and did some pretty shocking things to me early in my marriage that DH and I found offensive. Fast forward 10 years and while she still drives me crazy with the constant drama and manipulation of people, I just don't care enough to let it get to me anymore. I finally realized it had more to do with her than it did with me. I also think our relationship suffers from the rift that exists between her and DH - they don't get along well and never have. I do believe her intentions are mostly benign, she adores DC, and she's never going to change, so I've decided to be ok with things and am trying to take the high road -- especially now that DC is getting older. I don't want our issues with her to pollute his relationship with his grandma.

Can you elaborate? I would need a more specific how-to guide in order to implement your strategy.

Just wanted to share because I read a lot of DIL/MIL issues on here.

I've been married almost 10 years and for most of that time, my MIL has been a total pain. Very critical, judgmental...constantly comparing me to her daughter, herself. You see, she (and her daughter) are a lot more domestic than I am, and its always been her view that I don't care enough about my DH. In addition, she felt like I took him away from her and also made her grandkids biased against her. The kids were always acting very distant with her (though I never said anything about her to them). She'd say something snarky/mean/judgy and then I'd go and tell my husband, and he'd get mad at her, which would just make her more angry with me. It was a bad cycle.

Anyway, at some point, based on what people here wrote, I 'dropped the rope'. I basically didn't respond to the things she said, and told myself that most of her need to put me down came from her insecurity on her role in our family now that her 'golden boy' is married with kids. I just stayed nice to her regardless of how she acted towards me. And then I tried to put myself in her shoes - what must it be like to put all your energies into your kids for decades and then have them move away 100s of miles away and see them put all their energies into their own kids/marriage, without that much time for you? it must be pretty difficult emotionally.

Fast forward to today and our relationship has really improved. I think the fact that I was no longer defensive sort of made her adjust her own thinking about me. Weirdly (or not so weirdly) since I let down my guard and we have a better relationship, my kids have also become a lot more loving towards her.

anyway, my MIL is not my mom, but today I feel grateful that I have her in our lives. She's a friend, at least, which is a huge improvement.