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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here.

I guess what I'd start with is compassion. I think for me, that was part of the key. Trying to get why she is the way she is. Once I really understood that, I felt pretty empathetic towards her, and then became a lot more understanding of why she said things, or did things, in a difficult/controlling way. I am not sure most difficult people started off that way, or in anyway are trying to upset those around them.

It helps that I have a mother who can be a little overly anxious at times and I've had to be able to empathetic without getting sucked in with her too. She has different problems - constant worrier, not a constant criticizer. But still, the inherent problem is that I was internalizing everything said to me by everyone and it was driving me crazy.

The thing is, when you choose to let them be negative/critical WITHOUT responding/snapping back, and without getting your DH involved, there's nothing for them to say anymore. after a while, she stopped talking to me in that way because I always gave very vague responses or 'mmmhmmm yeah you could be correct. i'll look into it', etc. etc.

I used to be tense every time I was around her. Sometimes I would cry before I would have to see her (privately). She was very destructive in our marriage and did a lot of unkind things to me.

I just let go of my response. It's very freeing. [/quote]

PP here.  I love this and really needed to hear this.  I would also love to hear other coping mechanisms, if OP is okay with that.  It really is difficult, trying to meld two different worlds.  In my case, DH will not stand up to her, and Mil knows it, so MIL tries to take advantage, and DH ends up seeing Mil without me - because really, who needs it.  Ideally, I would have the armor needed (and be as cold and callous as MIL) to be in the same room as MIL.  [/quote]

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