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[quote=Anonymous]I love 18:05's strategy -- because a lot of times my conflict with my mother (in hindsight) is really a communication issue. My mom, like 18:05's, hears any "no" and it triggers her anxiety (even if it's that she's literally just visited and I can't accommodate a visit again the next day/week). So, it's important for her to hear, "I love you! We had a great visit with you!" Then I practice being firm and vague: "That next visit won't work with our schedules but we will see you again soon. I love you." Similarly, I try with my mom to find ways for her to shine. I think of situations that will naturally suit my mom's strengths and those are the moments I choose to engage. I fade out of the picture, whenever possible, in the moments I know she is unduly stressing out about something -- if it's something I don't plan to change, or can't, for whatever reason. I also sometimes try to calmly name the emotions I see playing out to help her make more conscious decisions: "It seems to be giving you a lot of stress to decide about whether or not to visit your cousin. Your cousin loves you and will love you whether you visit or not. Maybe if you separate your desire to visit or not visit from fear that your cousin will be angry you can make the choice you feel best about." One thing I have realized through a lot of therapy and time as an adult, is that my mom's needs are bigger than what I can fill. 17:59 is so quotable: "You can't spackle the hole in her heart." However, as a mom myself, although I think it's unhealthy to take on my mother's entire sense of well-being, I try to go for the low-hanging fruit, so to speak. When I have an idea for a very neutral conversation that I know will make my mom happy? I pick up the phone in a heartbeat. It makes us both happier to have a casual, positive connection, so I do this as often as easy, natural scenarios occur to me. And then that positivity builds. Sounds like your mom is in a hard place. Transitions can be very difficult so my empathy to you both. I think constructive, gentle reminders of retaining a positive outlook (as in - make sure you're being kind to yourself because transitions are hard - are you eating/sleeping/exercising well? have you thought through activities you might enjoy? could you go for a walk/explore a new neighborhood? what's your plan for changing your activities so you are not bored?). That way, you are not taking responsibility for her happiness, but serving as a coach of sorts. That helps for me when I am down (having my husband gently ask if I would feel better if I went and exercised)....[/quote]

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