Reply to FIL can be verbally abusive and don't know what to do...

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[quote=Anonymous]I can see it's a tough situation and you're doing your best to figure it out.  But seems to me you're missing many small opportunities to set some further boundaries or express further what works and what doesn't.  When your FIL and MIL told you about SIL and DN's visit and how they yelled and FIL went out without them and MIL said they were being miserable, a really good, calm reaction might have been to say "Oh, wow... I really feel for SIL.  When you consider all the stress she must be under, and the stress of the divorce and the impact on DN of the break up, they must both be so tired and emtionally drained.  That is a good time to not judge and just try to be supportive.  I hope she's got supports in her life who are recognizing how difficult this phase is and treating them with patience.  That's what you or I would want if we were going through the same thing, isn't it?"

There are a lot of ways to say "Wow, you really over-reacted, no one deserves to be treated like that" without actually saying it.

Also, have you reached out to SIL since it happened?  Offered to take DN for a weekend or offered to just be an ear to her with all she's going through?  From the way you wrote it sounds like you haven't talked to her since all that.  Is that correct?

In terms of your ILs, you just have to be constantly vigilant.  Maybe sometimes use DH's position of being the favorite and your DS's privileged position as the favorite grandkid and help them think about the discrepancies in a nice way, or maybe encourage them to do something extra nice for your DH's sibs.  It might mean a whole lot to the sibs.[/quote]

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