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Reply to "Encouraging 7 year old to speak - suggestions?"

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[quote=Anonymous]My DS (now 12) suffers from anxiety.  We first identified it in him when he was about 4.5 and was confirmed by a child psychologist.  He never had selective mutism (although a friend we met in therapy did.  The boys also happened to be a grade apart at the same school.  Small world) but, like your DD it made it difficult for him to interact with unfamiliar adults and kids.  We spent a lot of money on social skills groups which helped me more than they did him.  They helped me by showing me how to better facilitate interactions between my DS and other kids/adults.  I could then use what I learned outside the therapy center.

Based on the little you described, I would suggest you start by acknowledge to your DD that you know how difficult this is for her.  You need to remove any kind of judgment or annoyance in your tone.  She's got enough to worry about without worrying about disappointing you or making you angry.  The role playing you're doing is really good.  The more she practiced phrases, the more easily they will come to her when needed.  If you remember her reluctance to speak is based in fear and the more you can do to not feed that fear while not exacerbating it the better.

We always worked to keep neutral the conversations about the issue.  We acknowledge the fear but don't give in to it.  We set small, reasonable expectations and develop plans on how DS could meet those expectations.  We work on small accomplishments.  We revisit them and build on them. If it seems too overwhelming, DS will shut down.   It takes a lot of time and effort but it's worked.  For example, in elementary school, if there were an issue, I'd give DS a choice:  you talk to the teacher or I will email.  Which do you choose?  (cue anxiety ratcheting up because DS can't make a decision).  I give him a minute and if he can't decide, I do.  I let him read the email before I send it.  Anxiety goes down and DS learns that communicating reduces anxiety.

I suggest you read up on anxiety and cognitive behavior therapy.  Your DD is a little young to be able to access the tools of CBT but I can tell you that after years of working with my DS he was able to start accessing them himself in about 5th grade.  He's now in 7th and is doing well.  As he's become more able to speak up, I've done it less.  I can get better but it takes time and effort.  Hugs.[/quote]

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