My DS (now 12) suffers from anxiety. We first identified it in him when he was about 4.5 and was confirmed by a child psychologist. He never had selective mutism (although a friend we met in therapy did. The boys also happened to be a grade apart at the same school. Small world) but, like your DD it made it difficult for him to interact with unfamiliar adults and kids. We spent a lot of money on social skills groups which helped me more than they did him. They helped me by showing me how to better facilitate interactions between my DS and other kids/adults. I could then use what I learned outside the therapy center.

Based on the little you described, I would suggest you start by acknowledge to your DD that you know how difficult this is for her. You need to remove any kind of judgment or annoyance in your tone. She's got enough to worry about without worrying about disappointing you or making you angry. The role playing you're doing is really good. The more she practiced phrases, the more easily they will come to her when needed. If you remember her reluctance to speak is based in fear and the more you can do to not feed that fear while not exacerbating it the better.

We always worked to keep neutral the conversations about the issue. We acknowledge the fear but don't give in to it. We set small, reasonable expectations and develop plans on how DS could meet those expectations. We work on small accomplishments. We revisit them and build on them. If it seems too overwhelming, DS will shut down. It takes a lot of time and effort but it's worked. For example, in elementary school, if there were an issue, I'd give DS a choice: you talk to the teacher or I will email. Which do you choose? (cue anxiety ratcheting up because DS can't make a decision). I give him a minute and if he can't decide, I do. I let him read the email before I send it. Anxiety goes down and DS learns that communicating reduces anxiety.

I suggest you read up on anxiety and cognitive behavior therapy. Your DD is a little young to be able to access the tools of CBT but I can tell you that after years of working with my DS he was able to start accessing them himself in about 5th grade. He's now in 7th and is doing well. As he's become more able to speak up, I've done it less. I can get better but it takes time and effort. Hugs.

I think this is just normal behavior. Yes, you should encourage your child, but many kids are like this. I remember being 16 and having my first job at a store. It was part of my job to great new customers -- omg --- it was so hard! I had no trouble talking to teacher or other adults that I knew at school.... but I just wasn't in the habit of speaking to unknown, older adults. Hard to do, but I had to do it. I generally don't have a problem speaking up to anyone anymore -- probably to a fault!

We all admire the engaging little kids who can talk to anyone, but I think it's very normal for kids to be reticent with adults. I think you just continue to encourage and to cultivate confidence in other ways. Eventually she will come around.

NO -- to the people who think this is Asbergers or selective mutism! I know a girl with selective mutism... being shy with speaking to adults is NOT the same.

Anonymous wrote:Try to ingrain this into daily life. Yours and hers. The entire family. Do you greet neighbors, passersby, etc. with a "Good morning?" or a "Hello" Receptionists, security guards?

Start there. I'm not suggesting you start your child down a path of chatting with strangers. But you need to model social skills. You child doesn't have the ability to pick and choose the adults you want her to chat up and shut down the rest of the time.

I see this with my brother's kids. They are stone cold impolite. Well, so are my brother and sister in law. They are wrapped up in their phones, they ignore virtually everyone. The kids follow suit.

What OP has described is not a dearth of social skills. It is anxiety.

Try to ingrain this into daily life. Yours and hers. The entire family. Do you greet neighbors, passersby, etc. with a "Good morning?" or a "Hello" Receptionists, security guards?

Start there. I'm not suggesting you start your child down a path of chatting with strangers. But you need to model social skills. You child doesn't have the ability to pick and choose the adults you want her to chat up and shut down the rest of the time.

I see this with my brother's kids. They are stone cold impolite. Well, so are my brother and sister in law. They are wrapped up in their phones, they ignore virtually everyone. The kids follow suit.

Anonymous wrote:Does she show other signs of anxiety?

As a starting point, I would model what I want her to say -- say it for her. This isn't enabling, it's teaching.

I would also consider getting a broader evaluation, especially if she's showing other signs of anxiety or social difficulties. How is she when talking with peers?

I do often model language. She likes to put my suggestions in her own words. We practice a lot, but more often than not she still has difficulty with most adults.

She is fine with peers but occasionally takes a few minutes to adjust and warm up. She is also fine with adults who are family members.

Anonymous wrote:My 6yr old freezes when addressed by an adult she doesn't interact with on a normal basis. I still think of it as preschooler shyness. She eventually snaps out but it can take a bit. I try not to make her more anxious by drawing attention to it but I also don't know how to help her with this.

The root of selective mutism is anxiety based. If she's able to recover and interact appropriately, there may be nothing you need to do. If she consistently has a problem and can't or can barely communicate, then seeing an SLP may help.

My 6yr old freezes when addressed by an adult she doesn't interact with on a normal basis. I still think of it as preschooler shyness. She eventually snaps out but it can take a bit. I try not to make her more anxious by drawing attention to it but I also don't know how to help her with this.

Does she show other signs of anxiety?

As a starting point, I would model what I want her to say -- say it for her. This isn't enabling, it's teaching.

I would also consider getting a broader evaluation, especially if she's showing other signs of anxiety or social difficulties. How is she when talking with peers?

Speech therapy can address this. It worked wonders for my DD who did something similar at a younger age.

Anonymous wrote:Aspergers

Aspergers is no longer a stand alone diagnosis. More importantly, clearly you know nothing about the autism spectrum other than what you watch on TV. "The Middle" or "Malcolm in the Middle" are not accurate portrayal of anything but writers' imaginations and weak grasp of what autism is.

Selective mutism.

Aspergers

1. Stop explaining to her that it's impolite. It doesn't sound like she's doing it on purpose.

2. I would have her evaluated by an SLP (Speech Language Pathologist) for selective mutism:
http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism/

Selective mutism presents itself in different ways, however, I have met kids who will speak to their parents, their friends, and their teacher just fine. But could not with other adults whether the knew them or not. I don't think they're trying to be rude. However, as a parent, I would seek the advice of a professional. It may clear up on it's own or take time/intervention.

How much role play? My son's private school teaches it, so it's repeated multiple times daily and is second nature. But if she has a memorized script, she'll find it easier.

Our 7 year old daughter has a hard time speaking with adults. If asked a question, she sometimes doesn't respond or whispers a barely audible one word answer. She often requires prompting.

I've tried to explain that what was considered shyness in a pre-schooler is now perceived as impolite. (I've gotten comments from other parents.)

She seems to be okay with her school teacher but has trouble speaking and making eye contact with her friends' parents and also her extra-curriculur teachers.

We've tried role play. Any other ideas?