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[quote=Anonymous]Lots of complicated background I do not want to give because I think it will be a distraction from my question.

Basically, FIL (just turned 60) has reached the point where we need to intervene/help despite his refusing such help (due to what could be undiagnosed mental issues).  We are discussing what options are available with a lawyer.

DH loves his father deeply and feels like it is his duty to help.  He understands we cant give what we don't have but he is willing to make sacrifices  of time and money to help.  (Think less contributions to retirement, college savings for kids, activities for kids, vacations for us, weekends in NJ to help him, etc.)  At this point, FIL moving in with us is off the table but we are discussing things like paying for health insurance, medical bills, pre-paid funeral expenses, etc. We do not know FILs finances because we do not necessarily believe what he tells us and FIL refuses to let us see them ourselves.

I understand DH wanting to help, and I would like to help if we can.  But I am very afraid of the slippery slope. FIL is only 60 and could potentially live for 1 year or 30 years.  A small amount of help now might balloon into us spending the rest of our lives supporting FIL.  Also, FIL has refused help for the last 10 years and has not been working and frivolously spending our of his retirement savings.  Finally, while I might be willing to sacrifice Starbucks and a fancy vacation, I don't want my children to be denied activities or college savings and I don't want to pull back on my own retirement savings.  We are not flush with cash.  I am not even where I want to be with my own savings at this point. We have 50k in student loans to pay off still.

My opinion is that DH and I need to find a counselor willing to help us communicate on these issues.  DH is just coming from an emotional place and I am coming from a financial security place.  We both want to help FIL but I think we are just not on the same page as to how much and where to draw the line.  DH wants to respect my opinions and I want to respect his, but I think we are just really overwhelmed with the situation.  We could really use help learning how to communicate about this topic to one another in a productive manner that does not end up hurting our own relationship.

Any suggestions? Resources?[/quote]

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