Anonymous wrote:OP here.. thanks for all the information. Truly helpful!

PP here. One more thought to keep in mind for long term --- does FIL have very strong social and family connections to NJ? If not, I would highly recommend having him move to your state before you apply for Medicaid (if that's on the table). Once my mom needed long term care, we basically were stuck with her being 300 miles away, because there's no way to transfer medicaid from one state to another. She would have had to move in with us and reapply in our state, and we couldn't afford to hire a full time person to be with her all day for the X many months it would have taken for her to be accepted to the program and then for us to find a facility that would be willing to take her. The last two years of her life were utterly exhausting for me going back and forth to her for many, many hospitalizations where she really needed an advocate in-person.

I totally understand not wanting him to move in with you, but if there's any way you can move him in-state before the shit hits the fan, the better off you will all be in the long run.

OP, why do you think your FIL needs help? I'll say that if you don't like his finantial choices now, you really won't like them once your money is involved. Second, why is him living with you off the table?If he needs week-long visits from his son, then either he is in way worse shape then you want to admit, or your husband is using dad as a way to avoid something. Maybe he's avoiding work, maybe he's avoiding the kids, maybe he's avoiding you. When he is gone, you will be the solo parent, and since he won't see the kids anyway, it's no accident that he is calling out "sacrificing" the kids activities and college funds. Hint, it's not a sacrifice unless it causes you some discomfort to give it. When your husband is gone, it makes no difference to him if Johnny goes to soccer or not. Also, spending a week at a time with his dad may not be all that difficult for your husband. He gets grown up time to do things with his dad or by himself or with friends assuming he has any or can make them easily. He is free from any husband or kid tasks. He will probably learn things about his dad that he wouldn't otherwise and that's always interesting. Your kids will learn nothing from this experience, all they will experience or remember is that Dad isn't home and if they are lucky that he always comes back. Before you go into counceling, think about what you want, and what you need/want your husband to do. From where I sit, I am troubled that he thinks that spending week long visits with his father without you and the kids seeminglI don't think his dad is the real issue, his dad is just a socially acceptable means of getting away from an adult lifestyle.y forever is acceptable. There is a reason he is choosing to do that v. spend his time at work and with you guys.

OP here.. thanks for all the information. Truly helpful!

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar position with my mom 10 years ago.

Some thoughts:

* You HAVE to get some visibility into his finances before you can see how much he needs in terms of financial help.

* Assuming he has depleted his retirement savings, he may be eligible for a lot of state aid. What state is he in? What I would consider is a plan in place that would bridge him from now until he can start collecting social security and until he's on Medicare. If he is destitute, you can get him on Medicaid, too, which will be a huge help.

* Assuming he can qualify for state aid, what he will need more than anything is help to navigate the bureacracy to get what he needs. He will need your time more than your money.

* My mom qualified for assisted living paid for through Medicaid funds, which was a Godsend. (Actually, a taxpayersend...thanks, fellow taxpayers!) She had mental illness and lots of physical ailments. Assisted living gave her structure and support but also some of the independence that she craved (plus private living quarters). All of her meds and therapies were covered.

So please don't assume that cash is what is primarily needed for your FIL. In fact, if you're giving him cash and he's not spending his own assets, that could delay his ability to qualify for aid that he otherwise would be qualified for.

You are wise to consider the long term. No one thought my mom would live long past her first heart attack at 62. She never lived fully independently past that, but she lived till 73. There was no way I could have sent home a lot of money every month for 11 years. And your FIL could live way longer than that.

I have no way of giving more direct advice, but I found my mom's local Agency on Aging to be really, really helpful - they have lots of social workers whose job it is to help families plan for exactly this type of situation. Have you tried to see if your FIL's community has this?

I just noticed you said he was in NJ - here are a list of the agencies on aging around the state -- I'd call your FIL's and get the conversation started:
http://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/home/saaaa.html

As far as navigating this as a couple, the most important thing of all is that your friendship be strong throughout this process...the details don't have to trip you up as a couple, even if you fundamentally disagree on something, if otherwise your friendship is really, really strong. I recommend John Gottman's books if you haven't already read or heard of them. The more time you devote to FIL, the more time you need to devote to your marriage. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you want your marriage to be intact long after FIL has died.

Budgeting together as a couple also really helps. We use You Need a Budget (YNAB) software. Once you have strong transparency into your own family spending, it's easier to start a conversation about how much you can afford to use to help extended family members. It's all about balance. You can't neglect your kids and your family and your relationship; but you can't abandon a father, either.

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar position with my mom 10 years ago.

Some thoughts:

* You HAVE to get some visibility into his finances before you can see how much he needs in terms of financial help.

* Assuming he has depleted his retirement savings, he may be eligible for a lot of state aid. What state is he in? What I would consider is a plan in place that would bridge him from now until he can start collecting social security and until he's on Medicare. If he is destitute, you can get him on Medicaid, too, which will be a huge help.

* Assuming he can qualify for state aid, what he will need more than anything is help to navigate the bureacracy to get what he needs. He will need your time more than your money.

* My mom qualified for assisted living paid for through Medicaid funds, which was a Godsend. (Actually, a taxpayersend...thanks, fellow taxpayers!) She had mental illness and lots of physical ailments. Assisted living gave her structure and support but also some of the independence that she craved (plus private living quarters). All of her meds and therapies were covered.

So please don't assume that cash is what is primarily needed for your FIL. In fact, if you're giving him cash and he's not spending his own assets, that could delay his ability to qualify for aid that he otherwise would be qualified for.

You are wise to consider the long term. No one thought my mom would live long past her first heart attack at 62. She never lived fully independently past that, but she lived till 73. There was no way I could have sent home a lot of money every month for 11 years. And your FIL could live way longer than that.

I have no way of giving more direct advice, but I found my mom's local Agency on Aging to be really, really helpful - they have lots of social workers whose job it is to help families plan for exactly this type of situation. Have you tried to see if your FIL's community has this?

Lots of complicated background I do not want to give because I think it will be a distraction from my question.

Basically, FIL (just turned 60) has reached the point where we need to intervene/help despite his refusing such help (due to what could be undiagnosed mental issues). We are discussing what options are available with a lawyer.

DH loves his father deeply and feels like it is his duty to help. He understands we cant give what we don't have but he is willing to make sacrifices of time and money to help. (Think less contributions to retirement, college savings for kids, activities for kids, vacations for us, weekends in NJ to help him, etc.) At this point, FIL moving in with us is off the table but we are discussing things like paying for health insurance, medical bills, pre-paid funeral expenses, etc. We do not know FILs finances because we do not necessarily believe what he tells us and FIL refuses to let us see them ourselves.

I understand DH wanting to help, and I would like to help if we can. But I am very afraid of the slippery slope. FIL is only 60 and could potentially live for 1 year or 30 years. A small amount of help now might balloon into us spending the rest of our lives supporting FIL. Also, FIL has refused help for the last 10 years and has not been working and frivolously spending our of his retirement savings. Finally, while I might be willing to sacrifice Starbucks and a fancy vacation, I don't want my children to be denied activities or college savings and I don't want to pull back on my own retirement savings. We are not flush with cash. I am not even where I want to be with my own savings at this point. We have 50k in student loans to pay off still.

My opinion is that DH and I need to find a counselor willing to help us communicate on these issues. DH is just coming from an emotional place and I am coming from a financial security place. We both want to help FIL but I think we are just not on the same page as to how much and where to draw the line. DH wants to respect my opinions and I want to respect his, but I think we are just really overwhelmed with the situation. We could really use help learning how to communicate about this topic to one another in a productive manner that does not end up hurting our own relationship.

Any suggestions? Resources?