Reply to Mom wants to get back together with abusive father

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[quote=Anonymous]So my father was abusive, physically, to all of us in the family.  Also mentally and emotionally.  It wasn't necessarily dramatic scenes all the time, but more like constant little things with occasional huge outbursts of violence.  The mental/emotional abuse was pretty constant.

My mom divorced him years ago.  He is fairly well off and she SAHMed growing up, so when she left him she went through a period of financial ruin that she has now recovered from.

Anyway, I'm talking to my mom yesterday, and she gets this really giddy tone to her voice.  Suddenly she lets me know that my father called her and wanted to know if he could come down (We both live in a different state now)  and spend Thanksgiving with us.

Now, I cut off contact with my father a year ago after an extremely violent episode.  I feel really happy having removed him from my life and rebuilding some of the damage that years of interacting with an abusive person will do to you.  My mom, of course, knows all this.  She's been to lots of therapists to work through her issues, and was even diagnosed with PTSD after some of the horrible shit my dad pulled during the divorce. (Actually, the therapist thought all of us had it)

I calmly informed her that if he was invited I wouldn't be attending dinner, and after some back and forth she finally said I was right and she wouldnt invite him after all.

What really disturbs me and I can't understand is why my mom keeps putting herself in that position?  I think she is flattered that my father still wants to get back with her after all these years (he has made that clear), but what I dont understand is why she would be interested in getting with someone who has physically hit her/abused her FOR YEARS?  Maybe she is craving male attention but it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I also resent it for my sake, because he has done messed up stuff to me, not to mention my siblings.

My mom talks a great game, seeming very enlightened about the havoc he caused for all of us and how dysfunctional it was.  But at the end of the day, she seems to turn into a little schoolgirl when he makes these overtures.  It's gross.

Also, it brings me back to when she finally decided to get a divorce.  It was partially through me pointing out to her how unacceptable it was for a man to put their hands on her, that she finally decided to leave.  When she starts getting all starry eyed with him, it brings me back to that place (which is very dark, considering the craziness that followed) and I hate having to deal with it.

I want to be able to respect my mom, and it just breaks my heart and disgusts me to see her treat herself so badly.

Any constructive advice or input would be welcome.[/quote]

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