Your mother is very sick. She tried to date her rapist? WTF? Keep your boundaries strong. You are a strong person for working through your issues and determining your needs and boundaries. They are healthy. Hers are not. You do not need to justify any of them. She is majorly dysfunctional and probably always will be. Think of her that way instead of thinking of her as the "new woman/new mom" you thought she had become.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. My mom is very flattered by the attention, I think.

There was also an incident right after my mom seperated from my dad where she started dating this dude that was an assistant coach on my little brother's soccer team.

We all got weird vibes from him, and were really firm with her about how much we disliked him.

I guess one of my siblings found a kind of sexual card he had sent her, and she later admitted to all of us that she knew him from years back (before she met my father) and he had raped her.

I am starting to realize my mom is deeply dysfunctional and I dont know whether to bring this up to her in some attempt to fix it (which i know will cause an argument) or just let her live her life and keep exposing herself to these sickos.

it just makes me feel so creeped out, so icky- so grossed out on such a deep level, that she keeps choosing these kinds of men. I feel so deeply disappointed- yesterday's conversation crystallized it for me.

My gosh OP, my heart just goes out to you. I guess you found out that your mom is just as disturbed as your dad, she just isn't acting out. However, her passivity was just as bad, she should have protected her children. She almost brought a rapist into their lives after she had a violent abusive person there.

I agree that you can't concentrate on understanding this, the very notion that you don't understand it shows how healthy you are. It is unfathomable.

Good luck to you. If you aren't in therapy I would urge you to get some, just to get some validation of the craziness that you have endured. Big hugs to you.

Thank you, big hug back to you.

I am trying to get in therapy. I know I need to. I hate to dreg all these issues up, they're very painful. But I know I need to work through them anyway

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. My mom is very flattered by the attention, I think.

There was also an incident right after my mom seperated from my dad where she started dating this dude that was an assistant coach on my little brother's soccer team.

We all got weird vibes from him, and were really firm with her about how much we disliked him.

I guess one of my siblings found a kind of sexual card he had sent her, and she later admitted to all of us that she knew him from years back (before she met my father) and he had raped her.

I am starting to realize my mom is deeply dysfunctional and I dont know whether to bring this up to her in some attempt to fix it (which i know will cause an argument) or just let her live her life and keep exposing herself to these sickos.

it just makes me feel so creeped out, so icky- so grossed out on such a deep level, that she keeps choosing these kinds of men. I feel so deeply disappointed- yesterday's conversation crystallized it for me.

My gosh OP, my heart just goes out to you. I guess you found out that your mom is just as disturbed as your dad, she just isn't acting out. However, her passivity was just as bad, she should have protected her children. She almost brought a rapist into their lives after she had a violent abusive person there.

I agree that you can't concentrate on understanding this, the very notion that you don't understand it shows how healthy you are. It is unfathomable.

Good luck to you. If you aren't in therapy I would urge you to get some, just to get some validation of the craziness that you have endured. Big hugs to you.

Thanks for all the advice. My mom is very flattered by the attention, I think.

There was also an incident right after my mom seperated from my dad where she started dating this dude that was an assistant coach on my little brother's soccer team.

We all got weird vibes from him, and were really firm with her about how much we disliked him.

I guess one of my siblings found a kind of sexual card he had sent her, and she later admitted to all of us that she knew him from years back (before she met my father) and he had raped her.

I am starting to realize my mom is deeply dysfunctional and I dont know whether to bring this up to her in some attempt to fix it (which i know will cause an argument) or just let her live her life and keep exposing herself to these sickos.

it just makes me feel so creeped out, so icky- so grossed out on such a deep level, that she keeps choosing these kinds of men. I feel so deeply disappointed- yesterday's conversation crystallized it for me.

Anonymous wrote:

What really disturbs me and I can't understand is why my mom keeps putting herself in that position? I think she is flattered that my father still wants to get back with her after all these years (he has made that clear), but what I dont understand is why she would be interested in getting with someone who has physically hit her/abused her FOR YEARS? Maybe she is craving male attention but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I also resent it for my sake, because he has done messed up stuff to me, not to mention my siblings.

My mom talks a great game, seeming very enlightened about the havoc he caused for all of us and how dysfunctional it was. But at the end of the day, she seems to turn into a little schoolgirl when he makes these overtures. It's gross.

I don't mean this in an unkind way so please don't take it that way. You need to stop trying to understand the reasons for her behavior. You just do. You'll drive yourself apeshit trying to rationalize something that isn't rational. As a PP said, you need to focus more on her reactions to the boundaries you establish. Not being around him, not listening to her conversations with him, not getting any news about him, etc. are all very healthy boundaries.

I totally get where you're coming from. My experience is similar except my mother would never have divorced my father (he died when I was 20 - best thing that EVER happened to me). I can't believe how she'll talk nostalgically about my childhood. It was a fucking nightmare! Brutal, horrific, astounding! No kid should have to go through what we went through and she's talking like he was Ward Cleaver. WTF?!

This is good advice. You are not going to understand your mom. Maybe she feels somehow like she failed in her marriage. Maybe she has blocked out the really bad parts. Maybe she just--despite everything--still loves your father. Who knows? Hell, she might not understand herself. All you can do is say, as calmly and clearly as you can, "Mom, I don't want to talk about dad. I'm not going to tell you how I think you should live your life. But if you bring him up, the conversation is over. If you invite him for a holiday, I will not come."

You're not going to be able to change your mom. Her self esteem is probably low. My dad is pretty bad also. Growing up he treated my mom very bad and also cheated on her with multiple women and even got one pregnant. But my mom thinks he's the best thing ever and noone can tell her any different. I've just accepted that she is a messed up person and feel sorry for her. However I rarely talk to my dad ever. When she calls to talk about him, I make up some excuse to get off the phone.

She sounds codependent.

What really disturbs me and I can't understand is why my mom keeps putting herself in that position? I think she is flattered that my father still wants to get back with her after all these years (he has made that clear), but what I dont understand is why she would be interested in getting with someone who has physically hit her/abused her FOR YEARS? Maybe she is craving male attention but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I also resent it for my sake, because he has done messed up stuff to me, not to mention my siblings.

My mom talks a great game, seeming very enlightened about the havoc he caused for all of us and how dysfunctional it was. But at the end of the day, she seems to turn into a little schoolgirl when he makes these overtures. It's gross.

I don't mean this in an unkind way so please don't take it that way. You need to stop trying to understand the reasons for her behavior. You just do. You'll drive yourself apeshit trying to rationalize something that isn't rational. As a PP said, you need to focus more on her reactions to the boundaries you establish. Not being around him, not listening to her conversations with him, not getting any news about him, etc. are all very healthy boundaries.

I totally get where you're coming from. My experience is similar except my mother would never have divorced my father (he died when I was 20 - best thing that EVER happened to me). I can't believe how she'll talk nostalgically about my childhood. It was a fucking nightmare! Brutal, horrific, astounding! No kid should have to go through what we went through and she's talking like he was Ward Cleaver. WTF?!

I hope you've been in therapy for all this OP? If not you need to.

You are right to cut off your father. You will have to maintain a firm boundary with your mother, whatever she chooses to do, that you will have nothing to do with her.

Obviously she has a sickness, an addiction to her abuser. You can continue to love her despite her problem, but you can't let her addiction poison you too. Anymore than it already did.

Care less about her reaction to your boundary. Perhaps telling her that you don't want to hear about him and end any conversation she begins about him would help you. If she is an adult, she can manage that with you. I would have to back away from her. You may not need to cut her out of your life if she will respect your boundaries and not try to bring you into this sick situation. This means that you don't get involved in any way when he hurts and abuses her again. You aren't her crutch or therapist so she needs to find a way to have a relationship with you that leaves him out.

Are your siblings minors? If not, why is that her reason for contacting him.

^Thank you to both PPs.

She has told me that she has decided not to invite him to Thanksgiving.

But what annoys me is that she still has 2 hour long phone conversations with him every couple months.

She justifies this because my siblings still interact with him and she says she needs to moderate that.

But I am so sick of hearing the fawning voice she gets when talks about him. She has admitted she is flattered and proud that he wants to get back together with her.

The whole thing makes me sick but if I tell her that she will get hysterical and accuse me of being negative.

I don't want to cut my mom out of my life but at the same I find this so sickening and dark and gross and I don't know how much more I can stomach.

I would love to be able to respect my mom but when she does this it just ruins everything.

You can't manage this for her and your feelings are right, valid, important, and should not be denied. You can't fix her but you can refuse to deal with her and whatever happens to her life if she brings him back in. She is like an addict who is bringing heroin in to her house. You will need to back away. I would tell her that she would be jeopardizing her relationship with you if she brings him back in.

Tell her what you just told us.

Tell her you will not be in the same room as him and will not spend holidays with him.

bump

So my father was abusive, physically, to all of us in the family. Also mentally and emotionally. It wasn't necessarily dramatic scenes all the time, but more like constant little things with occasional huge outbursts of violence. The mental/emotional abuse was pretty constant.

My mom divorced him years ago. He is fairly well off and she SAHMed growing up, so when she left him she went through a period of financial ruin that she has now recovered from.

Anyway, I'm talking to my mom yesterday, and she gets this really giddy tone to her voice. Suddenly she lets me know that my father called her and wanted to know if he could come down (We both live in a different state now) and spend Thanksgiving with us.

Now, I cut off contact with my father a year ago after an extremely violent episode. I feel really happy having removed him from my life and rebuilding some of the damage that years of interacting with an abusive person will do to you. My mom, of course, knows all this. She's been to lots of therapists to work through her issues, and was even diagnosed with PTSD after some of the horrible shit my dad pulled during the divorce. (Actually, the therapist thought all of us had it)

I calmly informed her that if he was invited I wouldn't be attending dinner, and after some back and forth she finally said I was right and she wouldnt invite him after all.

What really disturbs me and I can't understand is why my mom keeps putting herself in that position? I think she is flattered that my father still wants to get back with her after all these years (he has made that clear), but what I dont understand is why she would be interested in getting with someone who has physically hit her/abused her FOR YEARS? Maybe she is craving male attention but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I also resent it for my sake, because he has done messed up stuff to me, not to mention my siblings.

My mom talks a great game, seeming very enlightened about the havoc he caused for all of us and how dysfunctional it was. But at the end of the day, she seems to turn into a little schoolgirl when he makes these overtures. It's gross.

Also, it brings me back to when she finally decided to get a divorce. It was partially through me pointing out to her how unacceptable it was for a man to put their hands on her, that she finally decided to leave. When she starts getting all starry eyed with him, it brings me back to that place (which is very dark, considering the craziness that followed) and I hate having to deal with it.

I want to be able to respect my mom, and it just breaks my heart and disgusts me to see her treat herself so badly.

Any constructive advice or input would be welcome.