Reply to Vent: Mom's depressed, I feel there's nothing I can do for her

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[quote=Anonymous]Guilt, anxiety, anger, stress... these are the things I feel around my mom.  She is 69 and is in failing emotional and physical health.  She's anxious, depressed (has suffered many profound losses), has OCD, beginning dementia, and has a plethora of mystery physical ailments that have never been clearly diagnosed.  She hardly speaks english and is not really able to navigate the health system effectively on her own.  One good thing is that she has a strong social network and friends - but they are all depressed/anxious too.

She lives in another state, and I have 2 young kids to take care of, so I'm not able to help her as much as I would like to.  When she seems happy and healthy, I feel good.  But when she is ill or seems depressed, and seems unable to handle simple responsibilities, it throws me into an anxious tailspin.

Today I called her, and she sounded like she was in pain.  She told me she's been sick and feeling dizzy.  She doesn't know why.  She thinks it was because she went shopping for baby clothes the other day for her grand-nephew, and the stress of it made her sick, and she's been bed-ridden ever since then.  Simple things like this cause a tremendous amount of stress for her - she said she went back and forth to the stores multiple times, returning, exchanging, unable to make a decision.  It took her several days to pick out clothes, and then she was unable to make it to the post office because she became ill from the stress.

She'll do crazy obsessive things like hand-pick weeds from their 1 acre lawn, which she will do for 5-6 hours straight in the heat.  Or hand-wash lettuce for salad... for over an hour because she has to wash it 20 times.

Any time spent with her grandchildren is spent worrying over every little thing.  Every visit is culminated by a serious post-visit phone call, wanting to discuss something that has been deeply troubling her, to the extent that she has been unable to sleep, because it's been keeping her up with worry.  Usually it is some little thing like a rash she found on ds's cheek (that goes away in a couple days).  She won't get off the phone until I swear to her that I will take ds to see a specialist and get some sort of biopsy done.

If she spoke english, I'd consider finding her a therapist.  And if I lived closer, then I might be able to help her more with the tasks she has trouble with, and with doctor and dental appointments.  But it would also probably cause me a great amount of stress to be around her.

My dad is unhelpful, and is the source of half of my mom's stress.  He does not help at all around the house, and is generally very self-centered, and selfish.

She wants to see her grandchildren, but she and my dad are unable to make the drive up.  So I drive the kids down sometimes, but it ends up being really stressful and hard on me.  My older child doesn't like it at their house so she is more difficult and clingy and pretty much asking to leave a couple hours after we get there.  They also ignore the older child, because she is not warm to them, but they shower all their attention on the baby.

I'm not sure of the purpose of my post... just a vent I guess.  Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation?  I feel stuck in an impossible situation that will only get worse with time, and that there's nothing that I can really do to help my mom.[/quote]

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