^^ she's allowed to be nasty but shouldn't take it out on my dad. She can vent and do whatever to me and my sister but he doesn't need her crap. If you lived it, I would care what you thought but I really don't care about your opinion. I came to give some support to the OP and not deal with ignorant people who haven't been there / done that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I feel your pain. My dad is terminally Ill and it's causing my mom to depressed and anxious. She lashes out and is overall nasty to my dad and my sister. My sister and I live out of state and are pretty much their sounding boards about each other. My dad can't say what he feels to my mom and my mom is just nasty. I can't handle the stress that it's causing me and have a constant upset stomach. I feel bad for my dad and I do for my mom as the caretaker. I just wish the tensions would settle. I feel like I'm in the middle of their marriage because they don't communicate.

I don't have advice but I feel your pain. It is a lot to deal with. Hugs

You have no empathy or compassion. You parents are going through hell and it is all about your comfort.

I'm glad you know my family dynamic so well to comment. I have tons of compassion for my dad but my patience for my mom's nastiness, that impacts my dad's emotional state, pisses me off. My mom just didn't turn nasty when my dad got sick, it's part of her personality (and she would admit it).

Call me what you will. I'm allowed to be selfish with my own feelings as my dad's illness impacts me as well

So, your dad is terminally ill but your mom your mom is not supposed to be depressed about the loss of her lifetime partner. Got it. For the record, if your mom is indeed nasty, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I feel your pain. My dad is terminally Ill and it's causing my mom to depressed and anxious. She lashes out and is overall nasty to my dad and my sister. My sister and I live out of state and are pretty much their sounding boards about each other. My dad can't say what he feels to my mom and my mom is just nasty. I can't handle the stress that it's causing me and have a constant upset stomach. I feel bad for my dad and I do for my mom as the caretaker. I just wish the tensions would settle. I feel like I'm in the middle of their marriage because they don't communicate.

I don't have advice but I feel your pain. It is a lot to deal with. Hugs

You have no empathy or compassion. You parents are going through hell and it is all about your comfort.

I'm glad you know my family dynamic so well to comment. I have tons of compassion for my dad but my patience for my mom's nastiness, that impacts my dad's emotional state, pisses me off. My mom just didn't turn nasty when my dad got sick, it's part of her personality (and she would admit it).

Call me what you will. I'm allowed to be selfish with my own feelings as my dad's illness impacts me as well

Your Mom needs to be medicated for aneicty and OCD. Pretty simple.

Anonymous wrote:OP- I feel your pain. My dad is terminally Ill and it's causing my mom to depressed and anxious. She lashes out and is overall nasty to my dad and my sister. My sister and I live out of state and are pretty much their sounding boards about each other. My dad can't say what he feels to my mom and my mom is just nasty. I can't handle the stress that it's causing me and have a constant upset stomach. I feel bad for my dad and I do for my mom as the caretaker. I just wish the tensions would settle. I feel like I'm in the middle of their marriage because they don't communicate.

I don't have advice but I feel your pain. It is a lot to deal with. Hugs

You have no empathy or compassion. You parents are going through hell and it is all about your comfort.

Therapy for you sounds like a good idea, OP.

And what about talking with the local Office of Aging to your parents? You can't force them to use services, but it might help you identify what is there, especially as your mom might need dementia care.

OP- I feel your pain. My dad is terminally Ill and it's causing my mom to depressed and anxious. She lashes out and is overall nasty to my dad and my sister. My sister and I live out of state and are pretty much their sounding boards about each other. My dad can't say what he feels to my mom and my mom is just nasty. I can't handle the stress that it's causing me and have a constant upset stomach. I feel bad for my dad and I do for my mom as the caretaker. I just wish the tensions would settle. I feel like I'm in the middle of their marriage because they don't communicate.

I don't have advice but I feel your pain. It is a lot to deal with. Hugs

OP, are there no therapists that speak your mom's language? Seriously? She really needs one!

My dad is actually on Prozac and he's been trying to get my mom to take it too. I think it actually helped him, but I can't be sure. My mom complained that it made him "out of it" but said it helped with his constant picking of fights and complaining. I've been trying to convince him to help more around the house, but he just flat out refuses. He has never lifted a finger to cook or clean in decades. He's not going to change his ways.

I've actually had therapy before to deal with family issues. but for dh's side. In retrospect it was incredibly helpful. We never delved too deep into my parents side because that was a whole other beast, and the problems with dh's family were more pressing at the time. Pp, I think you are right though, I should. It'll be tougher to swing while taking care of 2 little ones, but I can and will make it work.

I'm considering the inevitable... That I'm going to eventually have to take care of my parents, and it's giving me a migraine just thinking about the stress of it. The constant obsessive worrying, the nagging, and all the responsibilities I'll have to take on. I'm barely keeping up with my own life now with 2 kids. I've been avoiding the problem, and it just keeps growing.

Prozac would help

OP, maybe you should visit a therapist in order to help you figure out how to cope with this situation which you very likely can't change. Good luck!

If you can figure out what makes her happiest, insist that your father makes it happen. Might it be a yoga class, book club, crossword puzzles in her language, podcasts, a flower ex project,etc.

I would lay it on pretty hard and thick on your father. She is his responsibility. This is isn't going to get any better. In fact it will likely become dramtically worse, sooner than later. Prepare yourself.

OP where is your mom from and where do they live now?

Guilt, anxiety, anger, stress... these are the things I feel around my mom. She is 69 and is in failing emotional and physical health. She's anxious, depressed (has suffered many profound losses), has OCD, beginning dementia, and has a plethora of mystery physical ailments that have never been clearly diagnosed. She hardly speaks english and is not really able to navigate the health system effectively on her own. One good thing is that she has a strong social network and friends - but they are all depressed/anxious too.

She lives in another state, and I have 2 young kids to take care of, so I'm not able to help her as much as I would like to. When she seems happy and healthy, I feel good. But when she is ill or seems depressed, and seems unable to handle simple responsibilities, it throws me into an anxious tailspin.

Today I called her, and she sounded like she was in pain. She told me she's been sick and feeling dizzy. She doesn't know why. She thinks it was because she went shopping for baby clothes the other day for her grand-nephew, and the stress of it made her sick, and she's been bed-ridden ever since then. Simple things like this cause a tremendous amount of stress for her - she said she went back and forth to the stores multiple times, returning, exchanging, unable to make a decision. It took her several days to pick out clothes, and then she was unable to make it to the post office because she became ill from the stress.

She'll do crazy obsessive things like hand-pick weeds from their 1 acre lawn, which she will do for 5-6 hours straight in the heat. Or hand-wash lettuce for salad... for over an hour because she has to wash it 20 times.

Any time spent with her grandchildren is spent worrying over every little thing. Every visit is culminated by a serious post-visit phone call, wanting to discuss something that has been deeply troubling her, to the extent that she has been unable to sleep, because it's been keeping her up with worry. Usually it is some little thing like a rash she found on ds's cheek (that goes away in a couple days). She won't get off the phone until I swear to her that I will take ds to see a specialist and get some sort of biopsy done.

If she spoke english, I'd consider finding her a therapist. And if I lived closer, then I might be able to help her more with the tasks she has trouble with, and with doctor and dental appointments. But it would also probably cause me a great amount of stress to be around her.

My dad is unhelpful, and is the source of half of my mom's stress. He does not help at all around the house, and is generally very self-centered, and selfish.

She wants to see her grandchildren, but she and my dad are unable to make the drive up. So I drive the kids down sometimes, but it ends up being really stressful and hard on me. My older child doesn't like it at their house so she is more difficult and clingy and pretty much asking to leave a couple hours after we get there. They also ignore the older child, because she is not warm to them, but they shower all their attention on the baby.

I'm not sure of the purpose of my post... just a vent I guess. Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation? I feel stuck in an impossible situation that will only get worse with time, and that there's nothing that I can really do to help my mom.