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[quote=Anonymous]Okay, I'll give it a shot.  I am sure you know the basics--never validate that which should not be validated (you were right to lie, for example), do not judge but empathize, universalize.

Example 1:

Old me:  Why are you in such a bad mood?  New me:  You seem upset.

DD:  I am upset! My teacher called me out in front of the whole class today!

Old me: Why? (Implicit:  What did you do wrong?) New me:  No wonder you are upset! That sounds so embarrassing!

DD: It wasn't my fault I forgot my homework!

Old me: Again?  How many times have I told you to put your homework in the folder in your back pack as soon as you have finished it?  New me:  Oh! You must have been so frustrated you forgot it.

DD:  I was.  I keep trying so hard to remember and it is so unfair that the teacher said something in front of everyone.

Old me:  Trying to isn't enough--what do you expect when you don't follow the rules?  New me:  I can't imagine how embarrassing it must have been to have that said in front of everyone, especially when you are trying so hard.  Anyone would be upset at that.

DD:  I guess I have to try harder.

Old me:  Indeed you do or it is just going to get worse.  New me: Maybe we need to come up with a better way for you to remember.  (Brainstorming follows.)

Example 2 (more or less true as I remember it).  This was early on in my foray into validation and made me aware of just how hard validating can be.

DD wakes me up at three in the morning to tell me her pet rat, which she knows I loathe, has died.

DD:  Mommy, Larlat died!

Inward me:  Thank God!  Outward me, struggling to be validating in half awake stage:  Are you sure?  Larlat is too young to die.

DD: I'm sure, she's not moving and feels stiff.

Inward me: We better get rid of her immediately.  Outward me: Oh! Poor Larlat! She was such a good rat, you must be so upset--you loved her so much!

DD:  I did Mommy, I am so sad.

Inward me:  Well I'm not--good riddance.  Outward me:  (Big hug and kiss.) Of course you are--anyone would be upset to have their pet die like that in the middle of the night.

DD:  I am going to miss Larlat so much!

Inward me:  Well I certainly won't.  Outward me:  I am so sorry, I know you'll miss her.  She didn't deserve to die--she never did anything to hurt anyone.

DD:  Mommy, can help me bury her?

Inward me:  Yuck! Do I have to, can't we just call animal control or something?  Outward me:  Of course, she deserves a nice funeral.  Maybe we can plan one in the morning.

DD: Yes--I'll invite my friends over who knew Larlat.  I'll put her in a box for now and go to sleep.  I'm so tired.

Inward me: So am I!  Who wants to be woken up at three in the morning?  Outward me:  (Big hug and kiss again.) Okay, you really need some sleep after everything you and Larlat have been through and we'll have a big today tomorrow with her funeral.

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