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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My older brother was horribly sadistic and abusive to me. He could also be loving, supportive, protective and hilarious. I was very angry for a long time but I now see that we were *both* victims of parents who allowed this dynamic. It helps that he is no longer bullying or cruel. We are not super close but I do love him and I have managed to let a lot of the hurt and trauma go...though lots and lots and lots of therapy! [/quote]

NP here, with a similar sadistic and abusive brother who was also loving, protective, and wonderful in many ways.  In my mid-20's, I struggled with how to deal with him because I was still SO traumatized by how he physically and emotionally abused me in childhood and during teenage years.  (I remember reading lots of self-help books about healling from sibling abuse.  They didn't really help because they didn't fit the fact that he was like Jeckyll/Hyde.)  The only thing that helped was him radically changing.  As he got older, he became much more aware of the trauma we all went through with alcoholic parents.  He stopped being rageful himself.  He was universally only kind and loving to me by the time we were in our 30's, and by our mid 30's he many times apologized for how horrible and abusive he was without me bringing it up.  We were each other's best friends for about 5 years, healed all the wounds between us.  He died at 38 by suicide.  I miss him every hour of every day.

Your sister is not in a place where you can try to heal your relationship with her.  She continues to be verbally abusive and lacks any self-awareness or regret for how she traumatized you.  I would avoid her as much as possible.  If she asks you why, I'd keep it very simple and say, "I don't enjoy how you treat me" or "I don't enjoy being around you when you are so snide and cruel."  Maybe that will wake her up, but I wouldn't expect it to.

I know it's sad to grieve the family you don't have, but I would not subject your children to your sister unless she changes a lot.  You say she's loving but she made a dig about your child with the pizza, and about you in front of them.  Don't subject your children to seeing you abused by someone.  That will hugely violate their sense of safety in the world.   If your sister wants closeness, she needs to change, not you.[/quote]

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