Anonymous wrote:My older brother was horribly sadistic and abusive to me. He could also be loving, supportive, protective and hilarious. I was very angry for a long time but I now see that we were *both* victims of parents who allowed this dynamic. It helps that he is no longer bullying or cruel. We are not super close but I do love him and I have managed to let a lot of the hurt and trauma go...though lots and lots and lots of therapy!

NP here, with a similar sadistic and abusive brother who was also loving, protective, and wonderful in many ways. In my mid-20's, I struggled with how to deal with him because I was still SO traumatized by how he physically and emotionally abused me in childhood and during teenage years. (I remember reading lots of self-help books about healling from sibling abuse. They didn't really help because they didn't fit the fact that he was like Jeckyll/Hyde.) The only thing that helped was him radically changing. As he got older, he became much more aware of the trauma we all went through with alcoholic parents. He stopped being rageful himself. He was universally only kind and loving to me by the time we were in our 30's, and by our mid 30's he many times apologized for how horrible and abusive he was without me bringing it up. We were each other's best friends for about 5 years, healed all the wounds between us. He died at 38 by suicide. I miss him every hour of every day.

Your sister is not in a place where you can try to heal your relationship with her. She continues to be verbally abusive and lacks any self-awareness or regret for how she traumatized you. I would avoid her as much as possible. If she asks you why, I'd keep it very simple and say, "I don't enjoy how you treat me" or "I don't enjoy being around you when you are so snide and cruel." Maybe that will wake her up, but I wouldn't expect it to.

I know it's sad to grieve the family you don't have, but I would not subject your children to your sister unless she changes a lot. You say she's loving but she made a dig about your child with the pizza, and about you in front of them. Don't subject your children to seeing you abused by someone. That will hugely violate their sense of safety in the world. If your sister wants closeness, she needs to change, not you.

My older brother was horribly sadistic and abusive to me. He could also be loving, supportive, protective and hilarious. I was very angry for a long time but I now see that we were *both* victims of parents who allowed this dynamic. It helps that he is no longer bullying or cruel. We are not super close but I do love him and I have managed to let a lot of the hurt and trauma go...though lots and lots and lots of therapy!

I've learned with my Mom to say "That was mean" or "You are being mean" whenever she would say something inappropriate. She is slowly learning that not every thought about me should come out of her mouth.

When your sister says something that is inappropriate, say something instead of swallowing it. Doesn't have to be a long speech, just a "wow?!" and walk away. Or "did that make you feel better?" and walk away. Or "was that necessary?" and walk away.

One of my sisters was like this. I have not seen or spoken to her since 2008 and I doubt I ever will again. You don't get to choose your rellatives but when grown you can keep them out of your life.

OP here,
I love all the advice. Thanks everyone!

When you do see her, make sure all her little digs get called out on the spot. You could just say, "was that necessary?"

If your sister wants to be closer, let her make the effort. I'd just keep seeing her at major holidays and allowing your kids to have a relationship with their aunt and cousins. But don't waste a lot of energy on it. She's not bad enough to cut off, but you don't enjoy spending time with her.

I would continue to work on letting go of the stuff that she did as a kid. Not forgetting, because you can't do that anyway, but figuring out a way to let that be the past. Judge your sister on who she is as an adult; it doesn't sound like she's still bullying you, she's just unpleasant to be around because she makes negative and totally uncalled for comments.

I say do like a cat;
Kick some stuff over the shit and move on. Don't waste any unnecessary time on or for her! Love your children and keep in touch with hers. They probably see it too!

If your sister is as horrid as she sounds, explaining to her why you don't want to be close to her will not help things. She'll get defensive and turn it back on you and make it seem like you are too sensitive and blowing things out of proportion. Just don't go there.

I'd continue like you are, if you are happy with it. If she isn't happy with it, that's not your problem. That's her problem to deal with. I don't even really think you need to be close for the kid's sake. I loved loved my cousins growing up, and as adults we are all friendly, but don't see each other much.

I don't want to hijack OP's post in the Offtopic forum, but I have similar issues about learning to forgive but mine has to do with a member of my birth family.

I'm looking for other perspectives/experiences.

For background, one sibling bullied me mercilessly as a child. Physically and emotionally. She actually tied me up one time in the backyard and then ran away. Somehow I was able to work the rope loose and free myself. Throwing me down when I had a friend over and not letting me get up. A huge bully, you get the picture. To this day, my sister still tries to get a dig in whenever possible. Examples of some comments: "Since you are so much older than most parents, I guess you can't really think about retirement."

Or about DD's BF "we're going to order pizza.... I can tell by looking at X that he likes pizza!"

I've severely curtailed encounters with her and try to be distant when we are together. I have worked on this in therapy and don't feel near the amount of anger I used to . My therapist also coached me with "talking points" about how to respond to her nastiness.

I can see that my sister has positive points, but just don't feel like dealing with her much. We get together for major holidays only, and that is enough for me. Really the only reason I maintain the relationship is for our kids. I do think extended family is important and she is decent to my kids.( Our parents are no longer living, so we don't need to work together on those issues anymore)
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WWYD in this situation? Leave it as is? At times I can tell she wishes we were closer, but I really don't feel like explaining why I am (mostly) happy with things as they are.