Reply to How do we get out of this circular argument? Joint DH and DW post

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[quote=Anonymous]We (DH and DW) are posting this together.

Background:  DH kept a single woman colleague secret with whom he texted hundreds of times every day and emailed daily plus went out to drinks with plus stayed overnight at her house while saying he was somewhere else.  He says overnight was no more than twice but he's not sure where he stayed a lot when he went out of town.  He says it was completely innocent.  DW stumbled upon text messages and found this had been going on secretly for a very long time.  DH wants the DCUM forum to know he admits it was stupid, but not an affair.  He also wants to add that he felt mistreated in the marriage because DW worked a lot and wouldn't kick out the destructivetroubledpotsmokingstepson.  There are no children together.  Married nine years.  Below is a sample text exchange between DH and DW that chronically takes place trying to discuss this.

Him:  I am sorry none of my gestures have reached you,or brought any mental comfort.  And am deeply sorry all my actions just bring you despair...or so little upside they quickly are erased...I wanted to bring you happiness. Like this morning when we were kissing,laughing...true am sorry for this destructive time in your life that u created

Him:  I created.  Stupid phone correcting

Her:  What I'd like you to be sorry for are the decisions you made that made me feel so un-special, unappreciated, used, and lied to.

Him:  Sorry if that doesnt come across..I have been apologizing specifically for the stipid decisions I made that caused this mess..that has been the core of my apologies for a long time.

Her:  What comes across is you have no responsibility

Him:  Even when I say it is all my fault, I was wrong in my acts, thinking.  Why the disconnect?

Her:  You qualify it a lot with why you had no choice but to make decisions that you did or other excuses and rationalizations.  Plus you really don't connect to how devastating this was for me.

Him:  And this all happens because I dont listen,dont care,dont try, which proves you dont matter.  I do hear you.  I am just not a good enough person.. you are not bad, nothing wrong about needing more from someone.  You just feel to grasp I accept I am the loser, ahole, uncaring prick you keep discribing...Can keep talking,saying how pathetic I am if it makes you feel better.  I get the point.  These texts have one message. I do nothing but hurt, fail you.  And That is because i suck as a person.  What part of loser, failure.  Plus now mean person I AM.. which you keep calling me..I keep agreeing now..  but you still want to argue and find fault

Her:  You say you make apologies and it has the word I'm sorry in it but it's filled with reasons you were perfectly reasonable in Treating me like you did

Him:  My apologies have been unconditional for a long time now...not at first but now

Her:  Do you need me to go on about the things you say to distance any responsibility you have?  Because I hear them every time you discuss this.

Question:  how can this be turned around to something that doesn't deteriorate to this?  What do DH and DW need to be saying instead so they can both feel heard, understood, and valued?  What DH says about this exchange:  all DW is doing is calling him an a-hole.  What DW says about this conversation:  DH isn't reslly hearing her.  They would both like to get resolution and stay together and have things get better.  Even if things don't resolve, both would like more healing civil closure.[/quote]

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