Anonymous wrote:DH might start by owning up to it, instead of saying it was "completely innocent" and realize that it WAS an affair. Until then, ya'll are SOL. And I didn't even read the convo.

I am this PP. I wouldn't recommend divorce. I would advise the DH to own.his.shit. That is step número uno.

Then, he must actually BE remorseful.

Then, make steps showing he is willing to move forward and overcome the past (physically & mentally).

Make some changes within himself (including putting himself down, that's not healthy either)

Give it time to decide you both want to remain together.

Dw must decide to accept him- after he owns his shit and eventually stop bringing it up. IF she can't do this- time to re-evaluate and make a decision.

Life is too short. Hope it works out. ((Hugs))

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he cheated. But she is awful, so I sort of see why.

Just divorce.

I don't think she is awful. Look what he did. I would be much harder on my husband. He is pathetic and that's why she said that. I totally get it.

I agree that he cheated. But she is awful, so I sort of see why.

Just divorce.

Without even reading the texts: Why the heck are discussing this by text? How old are you? A potentially kickable out child is mentioned, so I assume you are grown-ass adults. Talk.

Anonymous wrote:DH might start by owning up to it, instead of saying it was "completely innocent" and realize that it WAS an affair. Until then, ya'll are SOL. And I didn't even read the convo.

This
OP get some self esteem and leave him. Dont be naive, he cheated.

Anonymous wrote:DH seems to be trying, DW doesn't. Marriage counselor would work well here.

I'm sure he was trying hard when he slept at another woman's house secretly.

I would divorce this inappropriate scumbag. He did cheat.

DH seems to be trying, DW doesn't. Marriage counselor would work well here.

BS divorce him

blah. blah. bah is actions are what matter - and that he was capable for this - ick! Now he remorseful (yeah, maybe) Sorry good intentions now aren't good enough.

Husband needs to dig deep and show that he really "gets" how his actions hurt wife. Statements need to start with "When I did _____, you must have felt _____."
"I imagine you must be feeling _____ because of what I did."
"What can I do to earn your trust back? Here's my phone. I'm an open book. I want to earn your trust back."

DH might start by owning up to it, instead of saying it was "completely innocent" and realize that it WAS an affair. Until then, ya'll are SOL. And I didn't even read the convo.

Divorce him now

1. Stop texting

2. Actually talk to each other.

3. Find a marriage counselor and work it out there

We (DH and DW) are posting this together.

Background: DH kept a single woman colleague secret with whom he texted hundreds of times every day and emailed daily plus went out to drinks with plus stayed overnight at her house while saying he was somewhere else. He says overnight was no more than twice but he's not sure where he stayed a lot when he went out of town. He says it was completely innocent. DW stumbled upon text messages and found this had been going on secretly for a very long time. DH wants the DCUM forum to know he admits it was stupid, but not an affair. He also wants to add that he felt mistreated in the marriage because DW worked a lot and wouldn't kick out the destructivetroubledpotsmokingstepson. There are no children together. Married nine years. Below is a sample text exchange between DH and DW that chronically takes place trying to discuss this.

Him: I am sorry none of my gestures have reached you,or brought any mental comfort. And am deeply sorry all my actions just bring you despair...or so little upside they quickly are erased...I wanted to bring you happiness. Like this morning when we were kissing,laughing...true am sorry for this destructive time in your life that u created

Him: I created. Stupid phone correcting

Her: What I'd like you to be sorry for are the decisions you made that made me feel so un-special, unappreciated, used, and lied to.

Him: Sorry if that doesnt come across..I have been apologizing specifically for the stipid decisions I made that caused this mess..that has been the core of my apologies for a long time.

Her: What comes across is you have no responsibility

Him: Even when I say it is all my fault, I was wrong in my acts, thinking. Why the disconnect?

Her: You qualify it a lot with why you had no choice but to make decisions that you did or other excuses and rationalizations. Plus you really don't connect to how devastating this was for me.

Him: And this all happens because I dont listen,dont care,dont try, which proves you dont matter. I do hear you. I am just not a good enough person.. you are not bad, nothing wrong about needing more from someone. You just feel to grasp I accept I am the loser, ahole, uncaring prick you keep discribing...Can keep talking,saying how pathetic I am if it makes you feel better. I get the point. These texts have one message. I do nothing but hurt, fail you. And That is because i suck as a person. What part of loser, failure. Plus now mean person I AM.. which you keep calling me..I keep agreeing now.. but you still want to argue and find fault

Her: You say you make apologies and it has the word I'm sorry in it but it's filled with reasons you were perfectly reasonable in Treating me like you did

Him: My apologies have been unconditional for a long time now...not at first but now

Her: Do you need me to go on about the things you say to distance any responsibility you have? Because I hear them every time you discuss this.

Question: how can this be turned around to something that doesn't deteriorate to this? What do DH and DW need to be saying instead so they can both feel heard, understood, and valued? What DH says about this exchange: all DW is doing is calling him an a-hole. What DW says about this conversation: DH isn't reslly hearing her. They would both like to get resolution and stay together and have things get better. Even if things don't resolve, both would like more healing civil closure.