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[quote=Anonymous]OP here

She's in her mid 70s and medically going on 100.  It was "their" idea to move here and I know that he doesn't really want to but it also seems he is incapable/disniterested in putting her in nursing care or doing a decent job at home.

Her decline has occurred over a period of two years with multiple falls (on coumadin), poorly controlled heart failure (don't know if it's non-compliance, shitty medical care or her forgetfulness) and severe debilitation (60 lb weight loss in 3 months, can't stand from the toilet without help, can't do steps without assistance)  She spent 2 months in the hospital and rehab a year ago, got somewhat better and was pretty much independant last August when I saw her.  For her to arrive here looking the way she did was a big shock.  I had no idea what was going on back there but she was essentially a shut in since a fall in December and was living on the main floor.  He was always gone at work or church and left her alone 12 hours a day.

We've talked about it and he just doesn't see her for how she is now.  He sees her as she was 4 years ago when she was "fine".

I'm trying to get her home so that he can  see that he can't do it alone and either move here with her or find a place where she can go near him.  She's not long for a nursing home given her increasing dementia and immobility/balance issues.  I only wanted them here so he'd have help.  I actually have them on a plane to go back next week but now she fell this past week and broke her arm (not a show stopper in my book) and is now developing pneumonia from what I could tell yesterday (show stopper for a plane flight and she may end up in a hospital this week).

Divorce and POA is on my radar.  She goes back and forth - she doesn't want to be a "3 time loser" and is one of those people who is SO worried about what other people think.  She's mad and doesn't want to go back but she also wants him to move here because she misses him.  They bicker constantly and it's pretty uncomfortable to be around. He has no other kids besides me (and I do love him and consider him one of my dads), his parents are both dead, other than church he doesn't have any friends to speak of, no social stuff nearby. He has remaining siblings but they have their own families and lives.   I think it would be good for him to be out here too, near his grandkids and where there is someone (me) who will care for him in HIS old age.

Without him (and maybe even with him) she is going to have a hard time affording decent care.  It sucks but they have about 10K in savings total and together with pensions and social sec make less than 50k a year. If he would just step up and be there for her, they could possibly avoid a live in situation for a few more years.

She has taken care of hiim for their whole marriage.  He never cleaned, never did laundry, didn't do yard work or maintain the house.  The only time he cooked is when he wanted to for entertainment purposes.  It seemed from outside that that suited both of them fine for the most part, but now she can't do any of it anymore and he needs to take his turn.

I guess at this point, we'll see if I can get her on a plane next week.  [/quote]

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