OP, I beg you, do not send her back alone with this man. Seriously. Either he's a horrible person or he's mentally ill, but it doesn't matter-- he's in denial of her condition, and either way, it is unsafe. She should not be alone for 12 hours a day EVER, even if she didn't have a broken arm. What if she falls down again?

Since your stepdad goes to church, can you get someone at the church to look in on your mom? Maybe when they see her condition they will be able to talk sense into him.

OP here

She's in her mid 70s and medically going on 100. It was "their" idea to move here and I know that he doesn't really want to but it also seems he is incapable/disniterested in putting her in nursing care or doing a decent job at home.

Her decline has occurred over a period of two years with multiple falls (on coumadin), poorly controlled heart failure (don't know if it's non-compliance, shitty medical care or her forgetfulness) and severe debilitation (60 lb weight loss in 3 months, can't stand from the toilet without help, can't do steps without assistance) She spent 2 months in the hospital and rehab a year ago, got somewhat better and was pretty much independant last August when I saw her. For her to arrive here looking the way she did was a big shock. I had no idea what was going on back there but she was essentially a shut in since a fall in December and was living on the main floor. He was always gone at work or church and left her alone 12 hours a day.

We've talked about it and he just doesn't see her for how she is now. He sees her as she was 4 years ago when she was "fine".

I'm trying to get her home so that he can see that he can't do it alone and either move here with her or find a place where she can go near him. She's not long for a nursing home given her increasing dementia and immobility/balance issues. I only wanted them here so he'd have help. I actually have them on a plane to go back next week but now she fell this past week and broke her arm (not a show stopper in my book) and is now developing pneumonia from what I could tell yesterday (show stopper for a plane flight and she may end up in a hospital this week).

Divorce and POA is on my radar. She goes back and forth - she doesn't want to be a "3 time loser" and is one of those people who is SO worried about what other people think. She's mad and doesn't want to go back but she also wants him to move here because she misses him. They bicker constantly and it's pretty uncomfortable to be around. He has no other kids besides me (and I do love him and consider him one of my dads), his parents are both dead, other than church he doesn't have any friends to speak of, no social stuff nearby. He has remaining siblings but they have their own families and lives. I think it would be good for him to be out here too, near his grandkids and where there is someone (me) who will care for him in HIS old age.

Without him (and maybe even with him) she is going to have a hard time affording decent care. It sucks but they have about 10K in savings total and together with pensions and social sec make less than 50k a year. If he would just step up and be there for her, they could possibly avoid a live in situation for a few more years.

She has taken care of hiim for their whole marriage. He never cleaned, never did laundry, didn't do yard work or maintain the house. The only time he cooked is when he wanted to for entertainment purposes. It seemed from outside that that suited both of them fine for the most part, but now she can't do any of it anymore and he needs to take his turn.

I guess at this point, we'll see if I can get her on a plane next week.

Maybe he is depressed, but he sounds like he is seriously neglecting your mother's care to the point of serious illness. And he doesn't want to move away from his family.

OP, if he were going to get his sh*t together he would have done it by now. He wants a divorce but doesn't have the balls to say so because he knows it's a rotten thing to abandon an unwell spouse. Call him on his bullshit and get your mom an assisted living place near you.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. It really, really sucks to have divorced parents in this phase of life, especially if their chosen partners are horrible.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed and overwhelmed. He is losing his wife, home and livelihood. Plus, you say they are hoarders, sounds like they were mired in depression together. As anothe pp suggested, fly out there, have a family meeting and come up with a plan that works for everyone and everyone will work to make happen.

+1 there's a good chance that he has some psychological issues, including codependency.

He sounds depressed and overwhelmed. He is losing his wife, home and livelihood. Plus, you say they are hoarders, sounds like they were mired in depression together. As anothe pp suggested, fly out there, have a family meeting and come up with a plan that works for everyone and everyone will work to make happen.

Sorry, OP. He sounds like a user and a taker. Don't trust him.

This phase of life can be really hard. Divorce casts a long shadow.

Anonymous wrote:We went through a very similar situation last summer with the difference being that my Step Dad point blank told me he refused to ever be alone with my mother and would not lift a finger to help her. He told me to hire 24/7 help, use all her money to pay for it, and by the way please pay my car insurance and Macy's bill. When my moms health stabilized, I had to bring her to DC. My mom is the sole owner of the house but had to file for divorce in order to get this bum out. It took 3 months and because it is the "marital home" she ended up paying him to leave.

Please don't send your mom back to a city where she has no one to defend her. If she is willing to live in a home, then find one near you.

+1 in complete agreement!

We went through a very similar situation last summer with the difference being that my Step Dad point blank told me he refused to ever be alone with my mother and would not lift a finger to help her. He told me to hire 24/7 help, use all her money to pay for it, and by the way please pay my car insurance and Macy's bill. When my moms health stabilized, I had to bring her to DC. My mom is the sole owner of the house but had to file for divorce in order to get this bum out. It took 3 months and because it is the "marital home" she ended up paying him to leave.

Please don't send your mom back to a city where she has no one to defend her. If she is willing to live in a home, then find one near you.

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to an attorney. You may need a medical power of attorney; she may need to file for divorce; you may need to seize control of the assets (house) on her behalf and put the house up for sale.

So sorry OP but I think this. Figure out your moms options and then get firm with him - offer to hire a service, maybe make a trip out there. (Your sister sucks BTW.) if he still doesn't budge get the POA and figure out a way to get her into assisted living near you - a facility that graduates to nursing and/or Alzheimer's care if you can. Don't sit too long waiting for him. Move now.

Signed, way too much experience with this stuff

If their house is as junk filled as you say, he may need a cleaning service or someone to help. My brother is depressed & still has a house chock-a-block filled with things from his former marriage. They are both horders & the place is filthy: not just stuff, but animal waste in corners etc. It's been five yrs and he's only now allowing me & my dad to help clear it all out. He doesn't do much as he's still too emotionally invested in every scrap of paper or item of clothes - it's so overwhelming for him. Obv he needs therapy, which I can't force him to go to. But, like anyone who is depressed, alone and overwhelmed, there is no way to do this kind of task solo.

You can't force him to move, and honestly it's asking a lot of him to sell his house and move cross country because that's where you happen to live. How old is your mom? Maybe instead of selling his house, he could come out for a few months and stay at an extended stay place and help care for your mom for a bit.

Do you think her health will improve enough for her to travel back home? It sounds like a nursing facility near her home might be the better answer.

You need to talk to an attorney. You may need a medical power of attorney; she may need to file for divorce; you may need to seize control of the assets (house) on her behalf and put the house up for sale.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your family. I would suggest you fly out to the coast and have a sit down meeting with stepdad and sister to make a plan for mom to return and move into an assisted living facility where she can live safely and receive the care she needs.

He's passive- aggressively showing you he does not want to move.

I'm not sure what to do: My Mom and Step Dad have been married for over 30 years. He is 10 years younger than her and in much better health (for the moment). She came to visit me (I live on the opposite coast) 2 months ago and was so sick when she got off the plane that I took her to the hospital in the morning and she ended up there for 2 weeks. At the end of that stay, she was discharged into rehab and has been back and forth between rehab and the hospital since.

During all this, we've talked repeatedly about how she has declinced and they both agreed that it would be better if they moved closer to us so that I & DH could help them. My sister lives near them but has a lot of animosity and isn't interested in helping unless she is "compensated". Once we came to this conclusion (about 2 weeks into the visit) he was supposed to start cleaning out their accumulated junk (think "Hoarders" light) and start packing up the stuff they wanted to move and hire a realtor to get the house listed.

Fast forward 45 days and he has done none of the above AT ALL. He told me last 8 days ago that he was signing with a realtor, but when I look online, it's still not listed. I know he's done nothing in the house because every time I ask his response is "it takes time"

He is by himself, he owns a business with family and they have taken over so that he can get this stuff done. His siblings and neices and nephews would help with whatever he asked. He has no excuse and yet seems glued in place. Meanwhile, she is here, too sick to go home to a house she can't navigate (stairs to get in or out, stairs to get to her bedroom), probably too sick to fly back. I can't bring her to my house because honestly, she needs supervision and we are at work and school all day. I had her at my place the first night and she fell twice! It looks like she's developing dementia and is very impulsive and forgetful. (as if her medical issues weren't enough)

I wanted to be helpful and give him space to get his shit together, but now I just feel like he's abdicating all responsibility and thinks I'm just going to take over. My poor Mom is caught in the middle of this and I can't just walk away and tell him he has to do it because I won't. But I'm running back and forth to her rehab, doing her laundry, getting the calls in the middle of the night when she panics (from her) or falls (from the rehab). I'm exhausted.

I don't know how to force him to take care of his wife!