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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are us, with roles reversed.  Read Gottmann or another book on communication styles - it really makes a huge difference in better structuring conversations, and in learning how to ensure you're both actually talking about the same issue.  And have you tried communicating issue in writing - email, text, etc.? I know lots of people will say texting is a terrible format for hashing stuff out but it actually works really, really well for us since it removes the whole issue of tone and nonverbal communication.

On the 'help' vs taking charge - can you explicitly lay out who is responsible for what and then just let his stuff go?

And on the mother front - are you asking him to not talk about you at all or being very explicit about it just being with his mother? If he's the type who needs to talk through stuff then giving him permission to talk about you to someone else is really important.  However it's also very valid for you to say that his mom has proven untrustworthy with that information and to ask him to talk about that kind of stuff with someone else (a best friend?) that you can also trust with the information.[/quote]

Sadly, some of our worst arguments are via text and e-mail.  I once suggested that we communicate in writing in order to remove the tone/body language issue, but as it turns out, a sensitive person can still glean tone from words.  I used to see him is overemotional and whining, but I now realize that we just have entirely, completely different communication styles.  If he was with someone as emotional as him, they would be able to discuss without difficulty.  If I was with someone as logical and focused as me, we would move mountains with how much we could get done.  But we are with each other and our styles are polar opposites.  Whether e-mailing or texting or on the phone, we fight every single day about his perception that I am mean and my perception that he is a poor listener who is itching to take offense.

The problem with laying out who is responsible for what is that it still requires me to come up with a plan.  I work very long hours too and having to singlehandedly come up with a plan of attack and then delegate tasks is very tiring.  It doesn't help that he is also lacking in detail orientation, so when I insist on leaving planning to him, it is done poorly.  We end up paying too much or getting double charged or he misses some crucial caveat that results in penalties or last minute scrambling.  He readily admits that he is bad at planning and misses most details, but when I work as hard as I do, he becomes another liability to me.

I agree that he needs a new best friend.  Unfortunately, mother dearest is as emotionally stifling and clingy as they come.  She is the definition of the toxic Jewish mother.[/quote]

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