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[quote=Anonymous]After many dog-less years, we think it is time to get a dog. Wondering if anyone has suggestions of dogs breeds or mixes that satisfy as many as possible of the following insane list of criteria:

- Not prone to obsessive whimpering, barking, furniture chewing, etc.; mellow and calm
 - Not prone to neurotic neediness, but affectionate and cuddly without being
 - Not prone to getting into unprovoked fights with other dogs; Friendly and gentle to kids and other animals; not
 - Not a little yappy thing
 - Not slobbery
 - Not excessively prone to emitting noxious gases
 - Not possessed of such a small bladder that it requires walks ever two hours
 - Not so long-haired that it must be taken to the groomer weekly or it won't be able to see and its hair will spontaneously form dreadlocks
 - Not so tiny that it can be confused with a rodent
 - Not so large that an average-sized woman can't pick it up and carry it down the block in a crisis
 - Not so strong that a ten or twelve-year-old child can't control it on the leash if it spots a squirrel
 - Not so hound-y that it is perpetually up-ending the trash cans 
 - Not so dumb as to be untrainable
 - Not so smart that it will chew up a library of priceless first editions if it decides you're not providing it with sufficient mental stimulation
 - Not so slothful that it refuses to walk more than 30 feet in inclement weather
 - Not so energetic that it requires five mile runs on a daily basis
 - Not such a dedicated wanderer that it will resurface in Alabama if allowed off-leash for a millisecond
 - Not such a Houdini that it will perpetually be digging holes under the fence and chewing through closed doors when it decides it would like to go out

I think I am probably leaving some criteria out but you get the idea. Do such paragons of canine perfection exist?

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