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[quote=Anonymous]There are clearly a number of posters who haven't been through what you have.  Or, perhaps, they're still in the cycle of familial dysfunction.  Ignore them.

I've been through a lot of familial dysfunction and have worked really hard to overcome it to build a good,healthy life for myself and my family.  All my wounds have scarred over but that doesn't mean they can't burst open under the right circumstances.  I've had plenty of counseling to know that this is the best I'm going to be and I'm still in a good place.  You don't have to have a relationship with your mother.  Don't let anyone pressure you to.  You are responsible for your own mental health and emotions.  If developing more of a relationship with your mother or having her around causes you to suffer, don't do it.  Always give yourself that out.

My father died while we were estranged and I have absolutely no regrets about it.  I'm relieved and grateful that I don't have to go what you're going through right now - him getting older and wanting to reconcile.  Not having him in my life is a blessing.  I don't have to gird myself for interactions, I don't have to be guarded and I don't have any lingering anger waiting to be fanned when he's around.  My kids don't miss him because they never knew him.  An act of biology doesn't make a father.

I do have a relationship with my mother but it's superficial.  My kids communicate more with her than I do (she's a much better grandmother than mother).  I went through a period where I couldn't communicate with her at all.  It was when my kids were the same age I was when I have my first memories of our family life.  I couldn't stop myself from imagining my kids experiencing what my siblings and I experienced.  Until that point, I hadn't fully understood how truly terrible and horrible it was.  It was re-traumatizing and it sent me right back to counseling - and it was tough going to counseling.  But, I had a good one and worked through it.  It's why I know it's okay not to have a relationship with people just because of an act of biology.  When you're an adult, you may grieve the parent you wished you had but you get to choose who's in your family.  Again, biology doesn't create a family.  How we behave and define our relationships is what creates a family.  Do what's right for you.  Hugs.

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