Anonymous
02/17/2015 12:01
Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:There are clearly a number of posters who haven't been through what you have. Or, perhaps, they're still in the cycle of familial dysfunction. Ignore them.
I've been through a lot of familial dysfunction and have worked really hard to overcome it to build a good,healthy life for myself and my family. All my wounds have scarred over but that doesn't mean they can't burst open under the right circumstances. I've had plenty of counseling to know that this is the best I'm going to be and I'm still in a good place. You don't have to have a relationship with your mother. Don't let anyone pressure you to. You are responsible for your own mental health and emotions. If developing more of a relationship with your mother or having her around causes you to suffer, don't do it. Always give yourself that out.
My father died while we were estranged and I have absolutely no regrets about it. I'm relieved and grateful that I don't have to go what you're going through right now - him getting older and wanting to reconcile. Not having him in my life is a blessing. I don't have to gird myself for interactions, I don't have to be guarded and I don't have any lingering anger waiting to be fanned when he's around. My kids don't miss him because they never knew him. An act of biology doesn't make a father.
I do have a relationship with my mother but it's superficial. My kids communicate more with her than I do (she's a much better grandmother than mother). I went through a period where I couldn't communicate with her at all. It was when my kids were the same age I was when I have my first memories of our family life. I couldn't stop myself from imagining my kids experiencing what my siblings and I experienced. Until that point, I hadn't fully understood how truly terrible and horrible it was. It was re-traumatizing and it sent me right back to counseling - and it was tough going to counseling. But, I had a good one and worked through it. It's why I know it's okay not to have a relationship with people just because of an act of biology. When you're an adult, you may grieve the parent you wished you had but you get to choose who's in your family. Again, biology doesn't create a family. How we behave and define our relationships is what creates a family. Do what's right for you. Hugs.
My father is still alive but I share the same sentiment. As far as I can tell it will be a relief exactly as you described.
Anonymous
02/17/2015 08:55
Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
There are clearly a number of posters who haven't been through what you have. Or, perhaps, they're still in the cycle of familial dysfunction. Ignore them.
I've been through a lot of familial dysfunction and have worked really hard to overcome it to build a good,healthy life for myself and my family. All my wounds have scarred over but that doesn't mean they can't burst open under the right circumstances. I've had plenty of counseling to know that this is the best I'm going to be and I'm still in a good place. You don't have to have a relationship with your mother. Don't let anyone pressure you to. You are responsible for your own mental health and emotions. If developing more of a relationship with your mother or having her around causes you to suffer, don't do it. Always give yourself that out.
My father died while we were estranged and I have absolutely no regrets about it. I'm relieved and grateful that I don't have to go what you're going through right now - him getting older and wanting to reconcile. Not having him in my life is a blessing. I don't have to gird myself for interactions, I don't have to be guarded and I don't have any lingering anger waiting to be fanned when he's around. My kids don't miss him because they never knew him. An act of biology doesn't make a father.
I do have a relationship with my mother but it's superficial. My kids communicate more with her than I do (she's a much better grandmother than mother). I went through a period where I couldn't communicate with her at all. It was when my kids were the same age I was when I have my first memories of our family life. I couldn't stop myself from imagining my kids experiencing what my siblings and I experienced. Until that point, I hadn't fully understood how truly terrible and horrible it was. It was re-traumatizing and it sent me right back to counseling - and it was tough going to counseling. But, I had a good one and worked through it. It's why I know it's okay not to have a relationship with people just because of an act of biology. When you're an adult, you may grieve the parent you wished you had but you get to choose who's in your family. Again, biology doesn't create a family. How we behave and define our relationships is what creates a family. Do what's right for you. Hugs.
I've been through a lot of familial dysfunction and have worked really hard to overcome it to build a good,healthy life for myself and my family. All my wounds have scarred over but that doesn't mean they can't burst open under the right circumstances. I've had plenty of counseling to know that this is the best I'm going to be and I'm still in a good place. You don't have to have a relationship with your mother. Don't let anyone pressure you to. You are responsible for your own mental health and emotions. If developing more of a relationship with your mother or having her around causes you to suffer, don't do it. Always give yourself that out.
My father died while we were estranged and I have absolutely no regrets about it. I'm relieved and grateful that I don't have to go what you're going through right now - him getting older and wanting to reconcile. Not having him in my life is a blessing. I don't have to gird myself for interactions, I don't have to be guarded and I don't have any lingering anger waiting to be fanned when he's around. My kids don't miss him because they never knew him. An act of biology doesn't make a father.
I do have a relationship with my mother but it's superficial. My kids communicate more with her than I do (she's a much better grandmother than mother). I went through a period where I couldn't communicate with her at all. It was when my kids were the same age I was when I have my first memories of our family life. I couldn't stop myself from imagining my kids experiencing what my siblings and I experienced. Until that point, I hadn't fully understood how truly terrible and horrible it was. It was re-traumatizing and it sent me right back to counseling - and it was tough going to counseling. But, I had a good one and worked through it. It's why I know it's okay not to have a relationship with people just because of an act of biology. When you're an adult, you may grieve the parent you wished you had but you get to choose who's in your family. Again, biology doesn't create a family. How we behave and define our relationships is what creates a family. Do what's right for you. Hugs.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 22:01
Subject: estranged from a parent?
You want to move forward?
That's bullsh*t. You are still wanting to have the upper-hand no matter what. And make her pay.
The answer is just do what you're doing. A little contact on Facebook and email if you feel like it. Stop with the emotional stuff. You have plenty of relationships that are just skimming the surface, everyone does. This doesn't have to be full of drama.
That's bullsh*t. You are still wanting to have the upper-hand no matter what. And make her pay.
The answer is just do what you're doing. A little contact on Facebook and email if you feel like it. Stop with the emotional stuff. You have plenty of relationships that are just skimming the surface, everyone does. This doesn't have to be full of drama.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 20:38
Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
OP here. The issue with my wedding was, I invited her thinking is regret that she wasn't there. Then she wrote me a letter and in the letter said she didn't know why I was upset to begin with but whatever it was she was sorry. I was so upset at the time because at that point (I was 24) there was still so much anger and I felt like something that was so huge in my life was completely forgettable to her. My father's family (they were long divorced and my father was deceased) was very involved in the wedding and there were some hurt feelings between them as well, and i just felt like I was going to spend what should be a happy day of celebration with lots of awkwardness and tension if she was there. So I said I would rather her not attend.
Also want to add, DH knows my mom because we have known each other through this whole time.
I am not angry about the whole thing. I'm just pretty ambivalent towards her. I agree with the pp that to me, at this point, she's like a distant relative. I've only met her husband twice to say hello. Our email exchanges are totally superficial. Stuff I'd tell a neighbor. I am also very close to my MIL whom I've know since I was 17. She has been there for me this while time so I do have that mom figure in my life.
Also want to add, DH knows my mom because we have known each other through this whole time.
I am not angry about the whole thing. I'm just pretty ambivalent towards her. I agree with the pp that to me, at this point, she's like a distant relative. I've only met her husband twice to say hello. Our email exchanges are totally superficial. Stuff I'd tell a neighbor. I am also very close to my MIL whom I've know since I was 17. She has been there for me this while time so I do have that mom figure in my life.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 20:24
Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
OP, I can understand the hurt about not being allowed to live in her home, but technically were an adult. Disinviting her to your wedding was immature and basically payback for hurting your feelings earlier.
I think you should mend fences. You may never be close, but you need to forgive.
I think you should mend fences. You may never be close, but you need to forgive.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 19:40
Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
OP, do it for the sake of your children. Also, if this would not be your mom, but just another human being who is seeking forgiveness and kindness, would you respond?
Anonymous
02/16/2015 17:23
Subject: estranged from a parent?
I think it's really hard when your parent (or parents) reject you when you are just starting to really become an adult, which sounds like what happened to OP.
My DH and his brother are still dealing with the aftereffects of a similar situation, except they stayed in basic contact with his Dad, who is now elderly and needs lots of care.
I would consider having a long distance relationship without much in-person contact. Like the other OP said, how would you feel if she died? Think about that and decide how much communicate. My BIL has slowly upped the amount of contact over the last decade, very very slowly.
Once your own parents reject you in favor of a new family, it's hard to open up again.
My DH and his brother are still dealing with the aftereffects of a similar situation, except they stayed in basic contact with his Dad, who is now elderly and needs lots of care.
I would consider having a long distance relationship without much in-person contact. Like the other OP said, how would you feel if she died? Think about that and decide how much communicate. My BIL has slowly upped the amount of contact over the last decade, very very slowly.
Once your own parents reject you in favor of a new family, it's hard to open up again.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 17:06
Subject: estranged from a parent?
Your mother made the effort. You are a foolish, foolish woman for being so intractable. What goes around, come around. One day your children will find out the truth about you and you should pray that they have inherited the milk of human kindness from their father because you are void of any aspect of forgiveness, charity, or love. Guess that top 20 school only gave you a cold, hard degree.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 16:15
Subject: estranged from a parent?
It has been almost a year since I've spoken to my mother. My almost 4 year old barely knows who she is. I think it is almost too late for us. I can't even begin to imagine after 20 years. At some point you just become numb to someone like that.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 15:36
Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP I know exactly where you're coming from. It's just too little too late, basically.
My dad was a good dad for a functioning alcoholic when we were kids but dropped off the face of the earth when he and my mom split and he found the "love of his life" in a 20 + yrs younger woman.
He has been largely absent from our lives for the past +/- 20 years. Sometimes he came and went with those same heartfelt apologies you describe but the end was always the same. He only recently tried to reconnect with us because the girl took off and he's lonely. He doesn't live in the same state but will text us how we are doing, etc. I don't respond 90% of the time because I feel like I'm filling in a stranger on the details of my life.
As far as I'm concerned, my life went on just without him. I got married, am pregnant with our first baby, and am happy with my life and family the way it is. My kid won't know him and neither will my nieces or nephews. My siblings and I are ok with it because we'd rather save them the disappointment. We aren't angry anymore. He's just a stranger, like a distant great uncle that I know exists but has no bearing on our lives whatsoever.
I can't tell you what to do but personally, I don't think it's worth the trouble.
Sorry for your dad's behaviour, but it is not quite the same thing her mom did.
I doubt anyone here has a parent that did the same thing her mom did but the feeling is all the same. A shitty parent abandons their kid and then all of a sudden later in life when the consequences of their poor decisions come to fruition (illness, loneliness, financial problems) they suddenly want to have a relationship. It's just a continuation of their selfishness. Happens a lot.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 15:33
Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:OP I know exactly where you're coming from. It's just too little too late, basically.
My dad was a good dad for a functioning alcoholic when we were kids but dropped off the face of the earth when he and my mom split and he found the "love of his life" in a 20 + yrs younger woman.
He has been largely absent from our lives for the past +/- 20 years. Sometimes he came and went with those same heartfelt apologies you describe but the end was always the same. He only recently tried to reconnect with us because the girl took off and he's lonely. He doesn't live in the same state but will text us how we are doing, etc. I don't respond 90% of the time because I feel like I'm filling in a stranger on the details of my life.
As far as I'm concerned, my life went on just without him. I got married, am pregnant with our first baby, and am happy with my life and family the way it is. My kid won't know him and neither will my nieces or nephews. My siblings and I are ok with it because we'd rather save them the disappointment. We aren't angry anymore. He's just a stranger, like a distant great uncle that I know exists but has no bearing on our lives whatsoever.
I can't tell you what to do but personally, I don't think it's worth the trouble.
Sorry for your dad's behaviour, but it is not quite the same thing her mom did.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 15:31
Subject: estranged from a parent?
OP I know exactly where you're coming from. It's just too little too late, basically.
My dad was a good dad for a functioning alcoholic when we were kids but dropped off the face of the earth when he and my mom split and he found the "love of his life" in a 20 + yrs younger woman.
He has been largely absent from our lives for the past +/- 20 years. Sometimes he came and went with those same heartfelt apologies you describe but the end was always the same. He only recently tried to reconnect with us because the girl took off and he's lonely. He doesn't live in the same state but will text us how we are doing, etc. I don't respond 90% of the time because I feel like I'm filling in a stranger on the details of my life.
As far as I'm concerned, my life went on just without him. I got married, am pregnant with our first baby, and am happy with my life and family the way it is. My kid won't know him and neither will my nieces or nephews. My siblings and I are ok with it because we'd rather save them the disappointment. We aren't angry anymore. He's just a stranger, like a distant great uncle that I know exists but has no bearing on our lives whatsoever.
I can't tell you what to do but personally, I don't think it's worth the trouble.
My dad was a good dad for a functioning alcoholic when we were kids but dropped off the face of the earth when he and my mom split and he found the "love of his life" in a 20 + yrs younger woman.
He has been largely absent from our lives for the past +/- 20 years. Sometimes he came and went with those same heartfelt apologies you describe but the end was always the same. He only recently tried to reconnect with us because the girl took off and he's lonely. He doesn't live in the same state but will text us how we are doing, etc. I don't respond 90% of the time because I feel like I'm filling in a stranger on the details of my life.
As far as I'm concerned, my life went on just without him. I got married, am pregnant with our first baby, and am happy with my life and family the way it is. My kid won't know him and neither will my nieces or nephews. My siblings and I are ok with it because we'd rather save them the disappointment. We aren't angry anymore. He's just a stranger, like a distant great uncle that I know exists but has no bearing on our lives whatsoever.
I can't tell you what to do but personally, I don't think it's worth the trouble.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 15:16
Subject: estranged from a parent?
Think of it like this, try extending the empathy towards her that you would want your daughter to extend to you if you were to mess things up in your relationship. Also, look at the way that she approached you, heartfelt, remorseful and will to follow your lead. That sounds like a lot of growth and deep feelings on her part. Just like you are not a kid anymore, she is not the same person she was. Continue to take it slowly, you may find a new normal with her that fills some spaces you did not know that you had. Plus, having someone else to get to know and love on your kids is a win-win. Best of Luck!
Anonymous
02/16/2015 15:06
Subject: estranged from a parent?
If she were to die today how would you feel? Would you regret not talking or clearing the air?
Do what feels right to you without regret.
Do what feels right to you without regret.
Anonymous
02/16/2015 14:45
Subject: estranged from a parent?
About 20 years ago, as a college freshman, my mother and I had a falling out. She and I had a very rocky relationship in my teenage years, I was a good kid (no drugs or partying or anything like that- I got good grades and ended up at a top 20 university). Anyhow, my mom was getting remarried and she informed me that I was no longer welcome to live in her home (since I was in college at this point, it was only really for breaks and the summer since I lived at school most of the time). It was very hurtful at the time and I basically cut her out of my life. She did not attend my wedding 3 years after college (I did invite her, then changed my mind and told her I felt it would be best if she wasn't there). She hasn't met either of my 2 kids. We have only seen each other maybe twice in these 20 years, at my younger sibling's graduation and wedding. When my children were born she sent me a card each time with a congratulatory message. I know she has seen photos and kept up with my life happenings through my younger sister who is very close to her.
Last year she sent me a very heartfelt letter about how much she regrets not reaching out to me and that she really wanted to reestablish communication between us, rebuild, etc. So I wrote her back and said I was open to it but that I wanted to take it very slow. I said we could email and be FB friends as a first step. So the past few months we have written emails a few times a month and she sees what I post on FB (mostly kid pics).
I have to be honest in that I really have no interest in having much of a relationship with her. I feel like I've been doing just fine without her in my life. I can't imagine talking with her on the phone. At this point it's kind of like talking to a stranger. I mean, the last time we had a relationship I was a kid. Now I'm a grown woman with my own family. How do you fill someone in on the last 20 years of your life? On the other hand I can't imagine being estranged from my own daughter. It would kill me. But I certainly wouldn't let 20 years go by before I tried to get back into my daughter's life, you know? It is so much easier to just keep on the way things have been going. My husband really wants me to move forward in having a relationship with my mother, for obvious reasons. I just feel like I don't want to. My kids don't know her and they aren't babies. I don't really have a lot of anger towards her at this point, though the whole situation makes me sad. I guess I just feel like it happened a long time ago and I just move forward. But I am not interested in seeing her, having her in my kid's lives, etc. We don't live in the same state.
Any insight?
Last year she sent me a very heartfelt letter about how much she regrets not reaching out to me and that she really wanted to reestablish communication between us, rebuild, etc. So I wrote her back and said I was open to it but that I wanted to take it very slow. I said we could email and be FB friends as a first step. So the past few months we have written emails a few times a month and she sees what I post on FB (mostly kid pics).
I have to be honest in that I really have no interest in having much of a relationship with her. I feel like I've been doing just fine without her in my life. I can't imagine talking with her on the phone. At this point it's kind of like talking to a stranger. I mean, the last time we had a relationship I was a kid. Now I'm a grown woman with my own family. How do you fill someone in on the last 20 years of your life? On the other hand I can't imagine being estranged from my own daughter. It would kill me. But I certainly wouldn't let 20 years go by before I tried to get back into my daughter's life, you know? It is so much easier to just keep on the way things have been going. My husband really wants me to move forward in having a relationship with my mother, for obvious reasons. I just feel like I don't want to. My kids don't know her and they aren't babies. I don't really have a lot of anger towards her at this point, though the whole situation makes me sad. I guess I just feel like it happened a long time ago and I just move forward. But I am not interested in seeing her, having her in my kid's lives, etc. We don't live in the same state.
Any insight?