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[quote=Anonymous]PP is right -- you, DH and DD need to be too busy for aunt to be seeing your daughter every single weekend. Your daughter would love a class that just Daddy takes her to each week -- Music Together or Kindermusik or tumbling or whatever. And that will be even more special once the new baby comes, as it will give you time alone with the baby and dad and daughter time on their own without baby.

But that's just one example. Your weekends are precious, doubly so right now because soon there will be a newborn in the mix to take up your time and energy, so focus on your daughter now.

And that means aunt sees her [i]maybe [/i]one weekend a month. Period. I would not tell SIL "You are now limited to 'visitation' once a month" as if it were some custody battle; that will get her back up and probably make her even meaner and more of a nasty gossip with the rest of the family about how awful you and your husband are.

Just be ready, when she contacts you or your husband this week to arrange "her" time with your daughter, to say, "Sorry, this weekend and next weekend don't work. We have family plans both weekends." If she grills you on exactly what those plans are, or tries to say, "Oh, but surely she can see me Friday night if your family stuff is Saturday--?" don't cave and make up excuses. Just stick firmly and politely to "we have plans and this weekend does not work."

Your husband has to be totally on board with this plan, though. If you say this weekend and next are not going to work, but then SIL calls him and begs to see your child and he says it's OK -- SIL will know she can do an end run around mean old you and get to see "her" girl on her terms. You and husband have to discuss in advance what you'll both tell SIL and stick to it. No excuses, no explanations beyond "This weekend doesn't work; we have family plans."

If there is a shred of desire to have some relationship between her and your daughter -- SIL could be an OK aunt if she learns some boundaries, maybe? -- think about making an effort to offer her time with your daughter on your terms. For instance: "The next two weekends are filled for all of us, but the weekend of the 23rd, there is a (event) and we are taking her to that; would you like to come with all of us?" and so on. Your choice of turf; your choice of time; and an event -- meaning everyone's focused on the movie or the kids' play or the festival or whatever, and aunt has less opportunity to keep daughter up late at her own place, or break daughter's routines.

As for the cruddy books, and I know the kinds of books you mean -- they need to disappear once they come home with your child, or after they've been opened on birthdays etc. Have daughter say thanks and then, oops, the book can't be found.

Meanwhile, you say that you want to spend weekends "reconnecting with DD" so DO that and don't let SIL dominate your family's schedule. It soundas as if you and DH are trying to get along with her for harmony's sake but it means you have let her think she can do what she likes with your child every week. Be too busy for it from now on. And being busy can mean classes and outings for the three of you, but it also means being home together -- that IS being busy as a family. If SIL says "I drove by and you were home! I thought you were too busy for me to see my niece!" -- Tell her with a huge smile, "Oh, we were busy together."

Does the rest of the family back  her up when she complains to them or is she as boundary-free with them as she is with you?

Can you and especially can your husband take it and not cave when she's carping about you to family members?[/quote]

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