OP here....It's not about her fiscal irresponsiblity per say. It's the fact that she uses her lack of money, lack of job, as a reason to berate us for not bending over backwards for her...which includes non-stop accommodating of her schedule no matter what the inconvenience to us or our child, paying for half her amtrak ticket because we said we didn't have space in the car to drive her somewhere (yup she demanded it, and we paid it just to make the unpleasantness go away). But not to worry, I'm gaining strength and will not be pushed around any longer

Yeah, her fiscal irresponsibility Is none of your business unless she is asking for financial support from you.

I'd be concerned about her being "mean" and not resourcing your boundaries as a parent. If she is "mean" again in the future, I would say, "Nikki, the way you treat me/DH is unacceptable. We need to limit out interactions because we don't allow people to treat us this way."

If you are not ready to address how she treats you guys, you could do the more passive-aggressive version of being busy 3 weekends a month that PPs above recommend, but I have a feeling that will just escalate her horribleness.

I think her financial management skills really aren't the issue here. The fact that she's mean to your husband and doesn't respect your family's boundaries are the issues.

So support your husband in setting and maintaining the boundaries he feels he needs to not let the stress of this overwhelm him. For the aunt/niece relationship, I would set up a recurring appointment at a neutral location - the park when weather's decent, invite SIL to DD's dance class or whatever indoor weekend activity(like a museum) when weather's bad and let that be it. Maybe once a month, maybe every other weekend - up to you, but be upfront about it so SIL can make her peace with the frequency and don't let it branch out from there. Keep to it - the 3rd Saturday of the month at the park is her standing appoint with her niece.

OP here...thanks for the advice. I feel better already, knowing that I'm not over reacting.

You make the rules for DC.

You don't need to justify those rules to anyone.

PP is right -- you, DH and DD need to be too busy for aunt to be seeing your daughter every single weekend. Your daughter would love a class that just Daddy takes her to each week -- Music Together or Kindermusik or tumbling or whatever. And that will be even more special once the new baby comes, as it will give you time alone with the baby and dad and daughter time on their own without baby.

But that's just one example. Your weekends are precious, doubly so right now because soon there will be a newborn in the mix to take up your time and energy, so focus on your daughter now.

And that means aunt sees her maybe one weekend a month. Period. I would not tell SIL "You are now limited to 'visitation' once a month" as if it were some custody battle; that will get her back up and probably make her even meaner and more of a nasty gossip with the rest of the family about how awful you and your husband are.

Just be ready, when she contacts you or your husband this week to arrange "her" time with your daughter, to say, "Sorry, this weekend and next weekend don't work. We have family plans both weekends." If she grills you on exactly what those plans are, or tries to say, "Oh, but surely she can see me Friday night if your family stuff is Saturday--?" don't cave and make up excuses. Just stick firmly and politely to "we have plans and this weekend does not work."

Your husband has to be totally on board with this plan, though. If you say this weekend and next are not going to work, but then SIL calls him and begs to see your child and he says it's OK -- SIL will know she can do an end run around mean old you and get to see "her" girl on her terms. You and husband have to discuss in advance what you'll both tell SIL and stick to it. No excuses, no explanations beyond "This weekend doesn't work; we have family plans."

If there is a shred of desire to have some relationship between her and your daughter -- SIL could be an OK aunt if she learns some boundaries, maybe? -- think about making an effort to offer her time with your daughter on your terms. For instance: "The next two weekends are filled for all of us, but the weekend of the 23rd, there is a (event) and we are taking her to that; would you like to come with all of us?" and so on. Your choice of turf; your choice of time; and an event -- meaning everyone's focused on the movie or the kids' play or the festival or whatever, and aunt has less opportunity to keep daughter up late at her own place, or break daughter's routines.

As for the cruddy books, and I know the kinds of books you mean -- they need to disappear once they come home with your child, or after they've been opened on birthdays etc. Have daughter say thanks and then, oops, the book can't be found.

Meanwhile, you say that you want to spend weekends "reconnecting with DD" so DO that and don't let SIL dominate your family's schedule. It soundas as if you and DH are trying to get along with her for harmony's sake but it means you have let her think she can do what she likes with your child every week. Be too busy for it from now on. And being busy can mean classes and outings for the three of you, but it also means being home together -- that IS being busy as a family. If SIL says "I drove by and you were home! I thought you were too busy for me to see my niece!" -- Tell her with a huge smile, "Oh, we were busy together."

Does the rest of the family back her up when she complains to them or is she as boundary-free with them as she is with you?

Can you and especially can your husband take it and not cave when she's carping about you to family members?

Tell her you can't see her every weekend anymore. Tell her you have other obligations. Enroll DD in a dance class or karate class on the weekends and do some family outings with just the three of you.

You sound like a pill.

I don't really care if it makes me a bitch: any gift anyone wants to give my daughters goes through me first, and I carry veto power.

There are some things I hate but allow, like cartoon pjs. But there are some things I hate and don't allow like licensed characters, plastic toys from china, toys that make noise, screen time, etc.

Just tell your SIL you don't like her. Send her a copy of this post. Fix that right there.

Her life is a mess so she has moved near you and is playing family with your DD. Nuts.

What does your DH say? If she's badmouthing you to the rest of the family and yelling at you for life decisions you made within your marriage, why are you still seeing so much of her?

And as far as DD is concerned, you are her parents and your rules must be followed.

I would listen to your friends.
I think maintaining a relationship between her and your DD is great if it is working for all parties and clearly it is not. I would try to find a way that it works for you and what does not work for you is not allowed.

My DH and I have had a tension-filled relationship with my SIL for the past two and a half years. Long story, but suffice it to say, it started after she lost her job AFTER whittling away her savings to travel around the world. She then proceeded to withdraw more of her savings to really do up her house, which would then not sell. She's increasingly bitter about the fact that we are comfortable (not rich, but live within our means and save). She accused DH and I of "betraying" her by not "thinking of what would be best for me" when we made some life decisions that did not involve her at all. Anyway, being a pacifist, I started with apologies for unseen and unknown hurts, with the hope that she would not be mean to DH. But oh I was wrong. She was MEAN! There were so many instances that I have started to lose count and patience. Apart from all these things, she is (and wants to be) very close with my 5 year old DD. Initially, I was ok with visits, but now she has moved to my area and is increasingly in our family's business. For example, she'll call every weekend and ask to either come over or take my DD out. We have rules such as no sleep overs until she's older, and no getting into a car with anybody besides me or DD. My SIL does not like these rules, constantly asks us why we have these rules and complains to the rest of the family. When she does come over, she breaks my DD's routines, lets her do whatever she wants, and I'm left with a nightmare kid who's tired and cranky, and wants to know why she can't do whatever she wants to do ("I don't understand, Aunt XYZ allows me to....")

When does maintaining the peace become too much? My SIL is currently living in a plush apartment that rents for what I was paying for my townhouse, and she has no job, just some limited savings. So, while I have some sympathy for her situation, I have no sympathy for her money management skills or for her love of fine luxuries. I also cannot abide by the fact that she allows my DD to have toys/books where the girls are all wearing tight, short clothes and the primary task is to dress them up "to attract the boys" - her words, not mine. This is just a tiny snapshot of this whole situation. My friends, who are privy to this situation, have advised me to draw a line and keep her out of out house. Is that too big a step?

PS...Both DH and I work full-time and we would like to spend the weekends reconnecting with each other and our DD. Also, another little one on the way, and I just cannot afford to be stressed over SIL situation.