Reply to Men Should Be Aggressive Except When They Shouldn't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband and I have had many conversations over the years about what we want sexually. We check in about the dynamics of our sex life often. Not in a "ruining the effect" sort of way, but in a "continuing to establish that what we have works for us" sort of way.

He is more dominant than I am and he knows that I like that. I know that sometimes he wants me to take the lead. If I want him to be dominant, I tell him, in ways that are fairly explicit and are therefore inappropriate for this forum.

A good rule of thumb is that if you are new to a sexual relationship, do not do things that can be construed as sexually aggressive, period. Even if you think that your partner is into that. And stop using phrases like "soft no". If a sex partner says they do not want to do a thing, don't do that thing until they want to do it, period. Don't try harder. It is, as was suggested in the other thread, "rapey" to try harder after your partner has already said no.[/quote]

Well, by "soft no," I mean something that isn't encouragement but isn't an explicit no. In the context of a marriage, maybe the husband starts kissing on wife and she says something like, "but we're so busy" or "what if the kids hear" or "but I'm tired" or "I haven't showered" or "I feel bloated." [/quote]

Yes. All of which are indications that she does not want to have sex at that moment. Which would be an indication to stop trying to initiate sex. It's really not complicated at all. Unless you have a prior agreement about this sort of thing, as well as a safe word to indicate when no REALLY means no for your partner, please accept any version of "no" - whether that's "we're busy/the kids are right down the hall/i'm tired/i feel gross/etc." - as the real deal.[/quote]

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