Anonymous wrote:Just a suggestion b/c my child is younger but has similar issues.

Have you looked at all boys' private schools for middle school? They tend to "get" tween boys better and many address executive functioning issues and organization as either a class onto itself and have it built into their curriculum.

This is what we are planning to do for our DS when he reaches middle school. Having a small teacher to student ratio will be helpful too. Boys that age thrive on routine and clear expectations and all boys' schools seem to know that better than coed schools.

Anonymous wrote:Somehow, you kid isn't owning the problem because part oft the problem is that he doesn't fit the mold you are trying to hammer him into. That actually is a big deal, and from his way of thinking, he doesn't want to do/doesn't see the need to do what you consider important. You can force the issue for another year, but why? In a year you will be locked in such conflict it may destroy your relationship forever.

See if you can find something with real tangible physical results for him to do: does he like cars? Help him learn auto repair. Wood/building/creating in that way? A lot of 6th graders can go to shop classes. Cooking/food? Find him a culinary course.

Also, I'd still consider private school. Mostly because there, all the kids will be doing the same thing and he won't stand out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:.

Thank you, PP. Your last point is interesting - it seems to us that DS has the opposite problem re mindset. He blames everyone but himself and won't own up to any sort of responsibility for his actions. It's always our fault, not his.

The other interesting issue (and why we're concerned) is that our reminders indeed start out calm and pleasant but DS escalates everything into yelling and screaming. I, for one, try to walk away but that doesn't help. He'll follow us around and just won't relent.

Glad to know that we're not alone in dealing with this.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

It's still early days and the transition back to school can be bumpy. I agree with PPs that I wouldn't exactly let him fail, and also try to establish work habits.

My LD kid gives us unexpected push back on things he knows need to happen and that are routine. I think it's the combination of the LDs, anxiety, emerging puberty, and trying to assert independence.

I would speak to the teacher and let her know the issue you're facing. Maybe there can be a quick sit down with the 3 of you to draw up a "contract" so to speak. Both he and you can sign on the dotted line to commit to following the agenda/homework review process every night.

I'd also suggest positive reinforcement. Praise for following through on the review process. (Kazdin Method elaborates on this.)

Anonymous wrote:I've got a 6th grader with ADHD/inattentive. We've been struggling with the issues your describe for a couple years now. What we've done, in calm moments - never in the heat of things, is discuss with DS what our expectations of him are. We coordinate with his teachers so he's getting a consistent message from both sides. We then tell/remind him that we'll be glad to work on a plan to accomplish these things if he wants but that it's ultimately his responsibility. We remind him of how he feels when it's time to leave for school and he hasn't finished his work and that having a plan will help prevent that. We also talk about failure and success - failure is not doing your best. Success is doing your best and learning from a situation even if it didn't turn out the way you want.

Now, we all know what happens next, right? His plan goes into action, he gets home from school, has his 45 minutes of free time and then throws a fit because I remind him it's time to start his homework. I remain emotionless (key, key, key) and matter of fact. 'You're responsible for your homework. I helped you develop this plan so you would succeed. It's your choice to implement it or not. But, I am not going to listen or help when you get worried/upset that your work isn't done. Choose wisely." I then tell him I will email his teachers about his behavior because I've agreed to keep them informed on homework challenges. I also don't want him to give them an excuse about not doing it. If he's sick or something happens that interferes with homework, I'll let them know that it wasn't through lack of effort on his part.

I've been doing this for several years now and am starting to see some payoff. He'll still through fits but he knows that I'm not taking any responsiblility for his lack of action. If he chooses not to do it or do it poorly, he's seen the consequences. He's also seen the consequences of responsible behavior. He wasn't chosen for safety patrol at the end of 4th grade (rough year) but he was chosen at the end of 5th. He also wants to play 2nd base on his baseball team. He had some half-assed pratices and my DH told him that he wsnt' likely to be selected - that the practices are like try outs. If he's not putting effort into practice, it communicates he doesn't think it's important. The kid who shows it's important earns the spot. It's sometimes really hard to let him suffer the consequences of his actions but it's easier now than when he's older and the consequences are more dire. I look at it as I did the toddler years. It was difficult not giving into tantrums and instilling discipline in the kids. I hated leaving grocery stores or not doing things they liked because of their poor behavior. But, years later, it has sure paid off. The consequences for F'ing up in middle school are a lot less dire than in high school.

Finally, we've been spending a lot of time talking about 'mindset'. DS tends to be overly critical of himself (he deserves some criticism but self-critiicism is an unfortunate area of overachievement for him) and tends to make the absolute worst conculsions from situations. Carol Dweck has written on 'mindset' http://mindsetonline.com/ and it's impact on achievement and resiliency. I read excerpts from the book to our kids. They find a lot of it boring but it actually has been working. I have no doubt will be talking about mindset for years but they know it's not just my opinion, it's based in research and has added gravitas. HTH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you shared your concerns with his teachers and counselor? I always share with them observations at home. Also, your DS may need to be in a school that offers him more support, which means you may have to look to private with smaller class sizes and individualized or differentiated learning for kids with learning differences. The schools vary in terms of support from mild learning differences to multiple learning disabilities.

OP here. The new year has barely begun so, no, we're going to let the natural consequences flow. We did note it in his agenda, which we're supposed to initial every night. As for the broader question, our school system is offering him a lot of support - the problems are arising at home, with DS's refusal to follow some very basic procedures/steps. Class size is not the issue at all - he's in a mix of self-contained, regular, and regular with added support classes. In our experience in elementary school, where he had pull-out services with a small group of kids for some subjects, the smaller size and greater attention didn't make a bit of difference. Instruction is already differentiated for him.

I guess what I'm getting at is that this seems to be a behavioral issue. Whether his ADHD is morphing into ODD or whether it's the start of adolescent rebellion or whether there's some as-yet undiagnosed additional mental health condition (or possibly some combination of these), it seems to have nothing to do with unreasonable expectations. We drafted some guidelines with him for what he needs to do. The school has the same expectations, basically. What he needs to do -- go through his agenda as a family and just prioritize and talk about things -- is very basic. He's refusing to do it.

FWIW, we were considering private a year ago. From visiting some of the privates that specialize in working with kids with LD's, they would have the same types of systems and expectations in place (here's your agenda, you need to write your assignments in it - we're going to make sure you do it, here are some organizing tools that we, you, and your parents will all work on together and that you need to go through at home). What we're seeing makes us happy that we did not pursue private - the issue isn't the workload or unreasonable expectations; rather, it's resistance - very strong resistance - to following any sort of routine. We've been working at this for years - sticker charts, signs listing things to do, etc. He agrees to do them initially but very quickly refuses to adhere to them, despite consequences.

It's heartbreaking. When he starts getting low grades for failure to complete work, maybe things will start to click...Or else, maybe military school is what he needs (said half-jokingly)

Anonymous wrote:Have you shared your concerns with his teachers and counselor? I always share with them observations at home. Also, your DS may need to be in a school that offers him more support, which means you may have to look to private with smaller class sizes and individualized or differentiated learning for kids with learning differences. The schools vary in terms of support from mild learning differences to multiple learning disabilities.