Reply to Separation & child abuse- how to address?

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[quote=Anonymous]Take what I say with a grain of salt.  I would be very cautious in how you present your separation agreement.  Even the most level headed spouses can get vindictive and angry during a separation and divorce.  Usually, if they are angry they will try to hurt you by controlling access to the kids or money.  In your case, you spouse will quickly realize that your greatest fear is him spending time alone with the kids overnight.

When I went through this, my therapist was a child advocate in many, many court trials for the county.  She said that unless your spouse has a conviction for child abuse related problems, the court will grant him 50/50 custody in most cases.  She did testify at trials where she advocated that in the child's best interest one or the other parent should have limited access.  It sounds like your situation would be very tough to prove.  Your spouse is not the same type of parent that you are (and you consider him abusive), but if CPS doesn't agree -- you may have a hard time getting the courts to limit your DH's access.

I would present the agreement in such a way that you offer him the choice of as much access as he would like during the day.  I'd present the choice for you to keep them overnight as a matter of stability and continuity for the kids (don't tell DH you don't trust him).  Most guys demand 50/50 access to begin with and then quickly drop off their commitment to see the kids as they realize how much work it is to juggle their schedules.

If you really want control over your kids and how they spend their time, don't get a divorce.  I know that sounds sanctimonious -- but it is the truth.  Divorce gives you a lot less control of decisions regarding your kids than you had when you were married.  While it sounds crazy, if you are really concerned about your kids -- you may want to stay married, as sucky as that would be for you.[/quote]

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