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[quote=Anonymous]OP, the dynamic you describe is familiar to many, including us. OUr relationship is also like the PP who described how he had gotten used to his wife running the show, and how they were speaking past each other. Now that our kids are a little older (2, 4) things are a bit easier.Also, I have no complains about DH's full participating in hands on parenting, it wsa the other stuff that wsa driving me crazy. I do more of it, still, but my feelings about things have changed.

One issue in our relationship has been that I am the organized one, always thinking ahead aboutthe 8 millions things to do, and DH is not. So, I had everything planned out and wanted DH to execute his share of the evening. He felt like he was not actually able to participate on his own accord and I had to do everything a certain way--including getting kids in the bath, bed on time, etc. I also am the person who is more cognizent of picking up as I go along and yes, DH wll get out a tool and leave it on his bureau for months. There is truth in both of our feelings--I was doing more, but I was also controlling too much because I was so used to doing things a certain way and didn't trust DH to do them. Yes, sometimes he messes up, sometimes its hot dogs for dinner when he'sin charge, but the less I controlled, the more he took on a kind of 'shared' responsibility approach for decision making.

a couple things have helped:

On the weekends, DH takes the kids out for a couple hours and I put on music and get crap done int he house. Yes, its pickig up after everyone, cooking, bills, lawn care, whatever--and yes someties I want to be at the splash park with my kids, but I know I will get much more done in those 4 hours w/o anyone else around that DH would. I also care more about things being more organized.

We divided up tasks clearly--not on a daily basis, but generally. DH is responsible for laundry and grocery shopping (though I will run out if I need to). He's invested in both of these (he wants clean clothes and food!) so he gets them done. I will leave a list sometimes, but I trust him to get what we need and if he doesn't, he goes out again. I do not tell him when to go, but if we run low on food or clean undies, its on him.

We try to discuss at work what the evening plan is so that we're not negotiating in front of the kids. Since I almost always make dinner, we've come up with a general plan that he bathes the kids while I make dinner and we alternate kids for bedtimes.  The person who puts the toddler  to bed usually does dishes, since its a shorter bedtime. This works when we're both home and when we're not, we adapt.  However, I always ask, before comign home, 'how should we handle tonight"--sometimes DH says "let's go out" or "I need to work" or "do you want to take a class"? In other worrds, no one person is in charge, but we are making a plan in which each person bears responsibility.

I outsource stuff and I decide that its not worth getting angry when he leaves on the light, leaves his socks on the floor, etc. I also sometimes just wait--and if I don't jump up and do it, or nag him, he ends up tidying up the house on occasion. [/quote]

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