Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

I LOVE U. Things are better now, but this was the exact problem I had with my DH when kids were very young. If only men would realize this from the beginning, or I guess women need to tell this to men from the beginning. It's the mental work that is stressful.

Also, agree with PP that as the wife, you have to also let the dads do some things their way. We as moms have to let some things go. But the taking the initiative without asking is a HUGE load off of moms' shoulders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This morning I told DH I would be so much happier if we lived apart. And I meant it. I'm so tired of the arguing. The fact is, though, that things are so much easier and less stressful when he is at work. When he is at home, I want to count on him to be able to help with the kids and pick up after himself... but it's either me spelling out every little thing or doing everything myself, both of which leave me frustrated and crabby. I'm pretty happy and easy going when he's not around, but when he is I find myself being a nagging b****. I feel like all we do when we're together is argue and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not being able to depend on him when he's at home. It's just easier when he's not there and I HAVE to do everything on my own. Anyone else with little kids feel like this? Suggestions to pull out of the rut?

Yeah: Stop trying to control him. You sound like you have issues. If things aren't done to your satisfaction, or people don't snap to, you get on their case. I bet you're like that with your kids, too, more than you realize.

Did you read the follow-up? It also sounds like her DH isn't stepping up, and that can create a cycle where one spouse pushes more, then the other spouse gets pissy about being called out on not being on top of things, and it goes on on and on. It sounds like the OP and her DH are due for a sit-down.

Leaving crap out all over the house once kids are in the picture is just rude, as is just letting your spouse do everything and not do much because DW is being "controlling" or "bossy." Stuff needs to get done, and just sitting around not "seeing" that and needing detailed instructions really isn't cool.

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Anonymous wrote:This morning I told DH I would be so much happier if we lived apart. And I meant it. I'm so tired of the arguing. The fact is, though, that things are so much easier and less stressful when he is at work. When he is at home, I want to count on him to be able to help with the kids and pick up after himself... but it's either me spelling out every little thing or doing everything myself, both of which leave me frustrated and crabby. I'm pretty happy and easy going when he's not around, but when he is I find myself being a nagging b****. I feel like all we do when we're together is argue and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not being able to depend on him when he's at home. It's just easier when he's not there and I HAVE to do everything on my own. Anyone else with little kids feel like this? Suggestions to pull out of the rut?

Yeah: Stop trying to control him. You sound like you have issues. If things aren't done to your satisfaction, or people don't snap to, you get on their case. I bet you're like that with your kids, too, more than you realize.

OP, the dynamic you describe is familiar to many, including us. OUr relationship is also like the PP who described how he had gotten used to his wife running the show, and how they were speaking past each other. Now that our kids are a little older (2, 4) things are a bit easier.Also, I have no complains about DH's full participating in hands on parenting, it wsa the other stuff that wsa driving me crazy. I do more of it, still, but my feelings about things have changed.

One issue in our relationship has been that I am the organized one, always thinking ahead aboutthe 8 millions things to do, and DH is not. So, I had everything planned out and wanted DH to execute his share of the evening. He felt like he was not actually able to participate on his own accord and I had to do everything a certain way--including getting kids in the bath, bed on time, etc. I also am the person who is more cognizent of picking up as I go along and yes, DH wll get out a tool and leave it on his bureau for months. There is truth in both of our feelings--I was doing more, but I was also controlling too much because I was so used to doing things a certain way and didn't trust DH to do them. Yes, sometimes he messes up, sometimes its hot dogs for dinner when he'sin charge, but the less I controlled, the more he took on a kind of 'shared' responsibility approach for decision making.

a couple things have helped:

On the weekends, DH takes the kids out for a couple hours and I put on music and get crap done int he house. Yes, its pickig up after everyone, cooking, bills, lawn care, whatever--and yes someties I want to be at the splash park with my kids, but I know I will get much more done in those 4 hours w/o anyone else around that DH would. I also care more about things being more organized.

We divided up tasks clearly--not on a daily basis, but generally. DH is responsible for laundry and grocery shopping (though I will run out if I need to). He's invested in both of these (he wants clean clothes and food!) so he gets them done. I will leave a list sometimes, but I trust him to get what we need and if he doesn't, he goes out again. I do not tell him when to go, but if we run low on food or clean undies, its on him.

We try to discuss at work what the evening plan is so that we're not negotiating in front of the kids. Since I almost always make dinner, we've come up with a general plan that he bathes the kids while I make dinner and we alternate kids for bedtimes. The person who puts the toddler to bed usually does dishes, since its a shorter bedtime. This works when we're both home and when we're not, we adapt. However, I always ask, before comign home, 'how should we handle tonight"--sometimes DH says "let's go out" or "I need to work" or "do you want to take a class"? In other worrds, no one person is in charge, but we are making a plan in which each person bears responsibility.

I outsource stuff and I decide that its not worth getting angry when he leaves on the light, leaves his socks on the floor, etc. I also sometimes just wait--and if I don't jump up and do it, or nag him, he ends up tidying up the house on occasion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

Not OP, but I feel the same way, and this is the root of the thing that does frustrate me. For a time, DH basically participated in our lives, or not, at his preference. If he didn't feel like coming to a playdate, or a doctor's appt, or the park, he just didn't and instead spent the time lounging around and watching tv, relaxing from his busy week (mind you, we both work full time). Eventually I just said, the new default is that you come unless there's a good reason not to. If it's the last day of the Master's and you'd rather watch that than hang out at the playground for a few hours, fine. If you have a meeting at work that conflicts with a doctor's appointment, fine. But otherwise, just not feeling like it isn't enough. He just sort of accepted it and said okay. I think he knew what he was doing was b.s. and when I called him on it, he wasn't opposed - he was just getting away with what he could. So I really do think it comes down to talking about expectations - you expect him to participate, which means anticipating, planning, and carrying out things from bedtime to birthday parties. Good luck. It's totally frustrating, but I imagine that trying to address it now will lay groundwork for the years ahead.

Makes sense to me

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

Not OP, but I feel the same way, and this is the root of the thing that does frustrate me. For a time, DH basically participated in our lives, or not, at his preference. If he didn't feel like coming to a playdate, or a doctor's appt, or the park, he just didn't and instead spent the time lounging around and watching tv, relaxing from his busy week (mind you, we both work full time). Eventually I just said, the new default is that you come unless there's a good reason not to. If it's the last day of the Master's and you'd rather watch that than hang out at the playground for a few hours, fine. If you have a meeting at work that conflicts with a doctor's appointment, fine. But otherwise, just not feeling like it isn't enough. He just sort of accepted it and said okay. I think he knew what he was doing was b.s. and when I called him on it, he wasn't opposed - he was just getting away with what he could. So I really do think it comes down to talking about expectations - you expect him to participate, which means anticipating, planning, and carrying out things from bedtime to birthday parties. Good luck. It's totally frustrating, but I imagine that trying to address it now will lay groundwork for the years ahead.

OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

I agree with the PP. It's important to recognize the difference between an acceptable way to do things and the way you would do things.

If DH is taking them off your hands or doing things to help, let him do it his way as long as that's not endangering the kids or creating a different problem.

If DH is doing things the way the two of you have always done them, but now that kids are in the picture it causes a problem, he needs to understand why the behavior has to change.

You're carrying a lot of stress because you can't yell at the kids - no matter how frustrated you get. When DW is yelling at me I try to listen for whether it's something I did or something she's venting energy about because she can't yell at the kids. When you're asking DH to do things differently per my previous points, try to listen for that frustration/energy/anger in your voice.

Finally, if you're anything like us, you're losing (or have lost) the time that you and DH connect. Make at least some time in bed (if nowhere else) after the kids go to sleep to talk to each other as husband and wife, not as parents.

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

This is truth.
Signed,
Been there, done that

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

Thanks, PP. You are right on #2. Part of the issue is he doesn't do anything without me specifically telling him what to do. I was working on a project with the older one last night and told DH the younger one needed to be in bed at 6:30. Well, 6:30 rolled around and the little one was no where close to being in bed and thus up until 8pm and up this morning at 5am (not good for a 1 year old). He was still up at 6:30 because I didn't specifically tell DH to get him out of the tub, dried off, in jammies, etc. He also would just sit around all weekend and not think about lunch or snacks or going out of the house - I have to plan every outing or we would never leave on the weekends. He leaves crap everywhere. It's like he thinks the whole house is his closet. He gets out his toolbox and leaves it sitting in the same place for a MONTH even with gentle reminders to put it away. These are just little examples.

And I KNOW things in reality would be harder w/o him, but so many days it just doesn't feel like that .

I've noticed this with my wife. I mind doing household stuff less when she's simply not around as an option. Instead of wasting energy on who should do a thing and wasting energy on score keeping about who is doing more, I simply get the stuff done without resentment. Makes it easier.

Also, when she's not around, there is no issue about doing things her way. I can just get the job done.

EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

This morning I told DH I would be so much happier if we lived apart. And I meant it. I'm so tired of the arguing. The fact is, though, that things are so much easier and less stressful when he is at work. When he is at home, I want to count on him to be able to help with the kids and pick up after himself... but it's either me spelling out every little thing or doing everything myself, both of which leave me frustrated and crabby. I'm pretty happy and easy going when he's not around, but when he is I find myself being a nagging b****. I feel like all we do when we're together is argue and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not being able to depend on him when he's at home. It's just easier when he's not there and I HAVE to do everything on my own. Anyone else with little kids feel like this? Suggestions to pull out of the rut?