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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.[/quote]

Not OP, but I feel the same way, and this is the root of the thing that does frustrate me. For a time, DH basically participated in our lives, or not, at his preference. If he didn't feel like coming to a playdate, or a doctor's appt, or the park, he just didn't and instead spent the time lounging around and watching tv, relaxing from his busy week (mind you, we both work full time). Eventually I just said, the new default is that you come unless there's a good reason not to. If it's the last day of the Master's and you'd rather watch that than hang out at the playground for a few hours, fine. If you have a meeting at work that conflicts with a doctor's appointment, fine. But otherwise, just not feeling like it isn't enough. He just sort of accepted it and said okay. I think he knew what he was doing was b.s. and when I called him on it, he wasn't opposed - he was just getting away with what he could. So I really do think it comes down to talking about expectations - you expect him to participate, which means anticipating, planning, and carrying out things from bedtime to birthday parties. Good luck. It's totally frustrating, but I imagine that trying to address it now will lay groundwork for the years ahead.[/quote]

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