Reply to your spouse should not dictate the terms of your life

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again THank you so much for the support. That means a lot.

In the meantime I have done some interesting poking around on the web for sources about what the role of a spouse is supposed to be for an addict who is really attempting recovery. At first I found it difficult to wrap my head around, since it seemed to suggest that the spouse of the addict has to be kind and affirming while also setting limits.THat sounds great in theory but also very exhausting and kind of like spinning plates. Or being a parent. And I already have one kid that needs my parenting.

There was also emphasis on letting the addict do things their way in recovery even if you dont approve. So they can learn how to be responsible. It also said dont criticize them bla bla bla. (They dont mention if its ok for the addict to criticize their spouse!). Ugh.

Then I came across this article and it seems reasonable enough: give the addict who wants to build trust a six month period of trust rebuilding, with the clock being reset for infractions. Its no way to live long term, but Im looking to not go out of my mind over the next year or so.

I think I needed a framework to contain this so I dont have to devote so many mental resources to figuring out what is going on or what to do. I know what is going on, and now maybe I know more about what to actually do.

This way, all the accountability for the addiction and related behaviors goes to my husband, which is where it should be. Hope this helps someone else. Thank you again everyone for your support.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/the-addicts-recovery-proc_b_337896.html[/quote]

I can't believe you are reading Huffington Post blogs for advice about addiction. Toss out that blog. Think about this: the average addict who is HIGHLY motivated will relapse at least six times.

Six months is NOTHING. Most addicts can white-knuckle things for six months.

When they relapse, it will be worse next time. Addiction is progressive.

If you want to learn about addiction, go and visit a recovery center and put yourself in therapy. You are codependent, and you are trying to control your spouse right now. By writing that you will be kind and affirming, you are saying that YOUR BEHAVIOR WILL AFFECT HIS.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality here, and any healthcare professional would agree. You can not change him. You can not fix him. You can not save him. You can only change, fix, and save yourself and your daughter.

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