OP - Read Melanie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More. It will help. Also, Lundy Bancroft's book, Should I Stay or Should I Go. Also get counseling for yourself if you can. Good luck. I'm in a similar situation and am playing out the wait and see if the better times stick part. It is not fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I'm in a similar situation. At what point do you cut it off? My DH has depression/ADHD. He's got an addiction to tobacco which he currently satisfies with chewing tobacco. Of course, I'd prefer he not use it but understand why he does. However, with the additional stressors and demands of having a family, his depression and ADHD are magnified and swing back and forth. I've supported him in every way I can but he just doesn't do enough to manage his conditions. He has problems regulating his emotions and it definitely has an impact on our home life. The question I struggle with is at what point does it become unhealthy for the kids? Two of our kids have ADHD and have similar struggles but they're kids and I'm working to help them develop the skills they need to compensate. What about when it's an adult?

You can not equate tobacco addiction to Alcohol or drugs because, while tobacco is addictive, the negative consequences are long term health. That is like saying I have addiction issues because I need three cubs of coffee a day. I am physically addicted to caffeine, but it does not have negative side effects.

I'm sorry. I mistyped. I should have said he's only got one current addiction and that's to tobacco. He's a recovering alcoholic and while I wouldn't say he had a porn/video game addictions, it was close. When his depression is less controlled, his distractions/addiction increases as he engages in self-medication.

To further expound on what 14:52 said, you need to learn more about the effects of nicotine. The effects aren't just long term. While tobacco addiction isn't always in the same category as hard drugs, it does have a significant detrimental effect on the user and his family. In my case, my DH sneaks the tobacco, lies to the kids about it even though they can smell it on him, knows where he likes to chew and tells them he didn't buy it even when they saw him do it. He does this not because I make a big deal out of it because it's part of the shame of addiction. He quits when we go on vacation even though I ask him not to because he's a mother fucker to be around when he's coming off it. He won't go to the dentist because he's ashamed the dentist knows he hasn't quit and doesn't want to hear what the dentist has to say about it (nothing other than you need to quit). He has to have a nicotine fix at least three times a day and if it's delayed he turns into an asshole. Oh and the nicotine wreaks havoc on his blood sugar. He's a type II diabetic (genetic, not weight related) and has been avoiding the endocrinologist for the same reasons he avoids the dentist. He gets up at least twice a night to piss and if not, he wets the bed, his cuts are slow to heal and his knees look/feel like sandpaper because of poor circulation - all results of excessive blood glucose levels. The effects of nicotine and sleep are well documented, too. My DH is sleep deprived - which affects his mood, makes his depression and ADHD worse, makes his relationships more difficult and is an expense we really can't afford.

So, yeah, tobacco addiction is a problem for my DH. It may not impair cognitive functioning the way alcohol and drugs do but in the case of my DH, it's an addiction that's just as damaging to him and to his relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP again THank you so much for the support. That means a lot.

In the meantime I have done some interesting poking around on the web for sources about what the role of a spouse is supposed to be for an addict who is really attempting recovery. At first I found it difficult to wrap my head around, since it seemed to suggest that the spouse of the addict has to be kind and affirming while also setting limits.THat sounds great in theory but also very exhausting and kind of like spinning plates. Or being a parent. And I already have one kid that needs my parenting.

There was also emphasis on letting the addict do things their way in recovery even if you dont approve. So they can learn how to be responsible. It also said dont criticize them bla bla bla. (They dont mention if its ok for the addict to criticize their spouse!). Ugh.

Then I came across this article and it seems reasonable enough: give the addict who wants to build trust a six month period of trust rebuilding, with the clock being reset for infractions. Its no way to live long term, but Im looking to not go out of my mind over the next year or so.

I think I needed a framework to contain this so I dont have to devote so many mental resources to figuring out what is going on or what to do. I know what is going on, and now maybe I know more about what to actually do.

This way, all the accountability for the addiction and related behaviors goes to my husband, which is where it should be. Hope this helps someone else. Thank you again everyone for your support.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/the-addicts-recovery-proc_b_337896.html

I can't believe you are reading Huffington Post blogs for advice about addiction. Toss out that blog. Think about this: the average addict who is HIGHLY motivated will relapse at least six times.

Six months is NOTHING. Most addicts can white-knuckle things for six months.

When they relapse, it will be worse next time. Addiction is progressive.

If you want to learn about addiction, go and visit a recovery center and put yourself in therapy. You are codependent, and you are trying to control your spouse right now. By writing that you will be kind and affirming, you are saying that YOUR BEHAVIOR WILL AFFECT HIS.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality here, and any healthcare professional would agree. You can not change him. You can not fix him. You can not save him. You can only change, fix, and save yourself and your daughter.

OP again THank you so much for the support. That means a lot.

In the meantime I have done some interesting poking around on the web for sources about what the role of a spouse is supposed to be for an addict who is really attempting recovery. At first I found it difficult to wrap my head around, since it seemed to suggest that the spouse of the addict has to be kind and affirming while also setting limits.THat sounds great in theory but also very exhausting and kind of like spinning plates. Or being a parent. And I already have one kid that needs my parenting.

There was also emphasis on letting the addict do things their way in recovery even if you dont approve. So they can learn how to be responsible. It also said dont criticize them bla bla bla. (They dont mention if its ok for the addict to criticize their spouse!). Ugh.

Then I came across this article and it seems reasonable enough: give the addict who wants to build trust a six month period of trust rebuilding, with the clock being reset for infractions. Its no way to live long term, but Im looking to not go out of my mind over the next year or so.

I think I needed a framework to contain this so I dont have to devote so many mental resources to figuring out what is going on or what to do. I know what is going on, and now maybe I know more about what to actually do.

This way, all the accountability for the addiction and related behaviors goes to my husband, which is where it should be. Hope this helps someone else. Thank you again everyone for your support.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/the-addicts-recovery-proc_b_337896.html

TL;DR. Your DH comes first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I'm in a similar situation. At what point do you cut it off? My DH has depression/ADHD. He's got an addiction to tobacco which he currently satisfies with chewing tobacco. Of course, I'd prefer he not use it but understand why he does. However, with the additional stressors and demands of having a family, his depression and ADHD are magnified and swing back and forth. I've supported him in every way I can but he just doesn't do enough to manage his conditions. He has problems regulating his emotions and it definitely has an impact on our home life. The question I struggle with is at what point does it become unhealthy for the kids? Two of our kids have ADHD and have similar struggles but they're kids and I'm working to help them develop the skills they need to compensate. What about when it's an adult?

You can not equate tobacco addiction to Alcohol or drugs because, while tobacco is addictive, the negative consequences are long term health. That is like saying I have addiction issues because I need three cubs of coffee a day. I am physically addicted to caffeine, but it does not have negative side effects.

Actually, that is not true.

Many smokers will:

-Not want to go places where they cannot smoke
-Will always be thinking about their next cigarette. This is a major distraction and becomes obvious to those who live with the smoker. It can affect the family in that the smoking seems to be the smoker's first priority, and something she is always thinking about
-They are very expensive and can be a drain on finances
-They have detrimental physical health affects to the smoker, and possibly those around the smoker
-Physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms are very frequently present

I'm not saying it is 100% the same as an addiction to hard drugs, but this is something I have given a lot of thought to, and believe me when I say the affects on the smoker and family members can be surprisingly similar.

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be thinking clearly and intelligently about this. You don't have to go down with the ship. Neither does your daughter.

+1 Life is too short AND you only live once, OP. I'm glad you are on the right track!

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I'm in a similar situation. At what point do you cut it off? My DH has depression/ADHD. He's got an addiction to tobacco which he currently satisfies with chewing tobacco. Of course, I'd prefer he not use it but understand why he does. However, with the additional stressors and demands of having a family, his depression and ADHD are magnified and swing back and forth. I've supported him in every way I can but he just doesn't do enough to manage his conditions. He has problems regulating his emotions and it definitely has an impact on our home life. The question I struggle with is at what point does it become unhealthy for the kids? Two of our kids have ADHD and have similar struggles but they're kids and I'm working to help them develop the skills they need to compensate. What about when it's an adult?

You can not equate tobacco addiction to Alcohol or drugs because, while tobacco is addictive, the negative consequences are long term health. That is like saying I have addiction issues because I need three cubs of coffee a day. I am physically addicted to caffeine, but it does not have negative side effects.

Have. You tried al alon? I don't have this issue in my life, but from what you've said, they might be a huge help in you disengaging from the addiction. I think you could find a lot of support.

Hugs, OP. I'm in a similar situation. At what point do you cut it off? My DH has depression/ADHD. He's got an addiction to tobacco which he currently satisfies with chewing tobacco. Of course, I'd prefer he not use it but understand why he does. However, with the additional stressors and demands of having a family, his depression and ADHD are magnified and swing back and forth. I've supported him in every way I can but he just doesn't do enough to manage his conditions. He has problems regulating his emotions and it definitely has an impact on our home life. The question I struggle with is at what point does it become unhealthy for the kids? Two of our kids have ADHD and have similar struggles but they're kids and I'm working to help them develop the skills they need to compensate. What about when it's an adult?

If you leave, you'll be fine. Find a job in teaching, or even as a receptionist, move to a 1 bedroom apartment and fight for child support. You can make it.

Sad situation. Sorry, OP. You seem to have good perspective, and hopefully that'll help you navigate the next few years.

You seem to be thinking clearly and intelligently about this. You don't have to go down with the ship. Neither does your daughter.

OP again. I see I got a lot of views. In the meantime, I have had kind of a revalation of the obvious. I had been thinking in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe I was using the word "addiction" without complete certainty. I never thought to look up "addict thought patterns" until JUST NOW.

The reason for me looking that up is that I put it together in reading these self pitying and self righteous and blaming texts from my husband this morning that he says these really irrational things when he is "caught" I used to think it was weird stress in the moment.

But its much more complicated than that as well. There are entire constructs of thought that I would come up against when getting into any area that addresses something the addictions affect somehow. And I began to suspect that yes in fact his entire thought process is weirdly self centered and built only around what he wants. While very much saying things that are the opposite sometimes. And also by doing things that by all appearances are not that. Its torture. You dont know what is real.

Well, unfortunately, I now can see that the situation is probably as hopeless as I could have ever imagined, because when I read up on "Addictive Thinking Patterns" I found every confounding thinking he has ever expressed.

I am so devastated and sad. This problem developed slowly over a period of years. When we married he was drug free and I thought he has just put it behind him like he said he had. I by contrast briefly experimented in HS and it was not for me. It was therefore easy for me to think that anyone could put this behind them. I did not know what an addict actually is. I did not know an addict can go years without using. I just didnt know.

Its the messed up thinking that really scares me the most. Its as if the person I married just is not in there anymore. Nonetheless, I must focus my energies on getting myself slowly but surely, steadfastly, out of having this rule my life. I will probably always be connected to him, and so I wont ever be truly free from this, but I have to save my child from having the terms of HER life dictated by this. Unfortunately, if divorce is what happens, it already has.

Probably most cruelly, he has made references to our "poor" daughter who has parents who "cant get along". I am going to have to pursue living by the truth without revealing too much to her. Meanwhile, I predict he will resort to blaming me to her. Thank goodness she is smart and already sees some of his behaviors (raging and blaming) exactly for what they are.

I am very very sad. Im posting this so that anyone in this situation knows they are not alone.

I have been navigating a very difficult marriage for some time now, and while I am still attempting to work things out, my spouse's addiction issues and behaviors around that may make that impossible to achieve. We have an 8 year old daughter who deserves a functional happy home. She mostly has that, but my husbands issues threaten to destabilize it, and I will not live in contradiction with what I teach my child.

As I sit and think about all I have been through, all the hope I have had and support I have given, and how in a moment of relapse that is not only completely unappreciated, but I am somehow framed as being unreasonable, I think: this man, despite his many positive qualities, has issues that determine the quality of my life. And our childs life. And that simply should not be. Period.

Im just saying this to give courage to any of you in similar situations. Its ok to be supportive to someone who is trying to work out their issues, but you must also recognize when those issues are controlling your life and face that, better late than never. I have been back and forth to varying degrees of realizing this, while trying to actually be present and deal with circumstances with as much integrity and positive energy I can muster. People meet me and think of me as incredbilty intelligent and accomplished, but I have no career to support myself. If I had, I would be in a very different situation right now. I would be able to decide once and for all how I want to live and refuse to live any other way. That could mean divorce or just a very different marriage, one in which my financial dependence was no longer a factor.

Im 45 and I may not have much time left to make this change, but damnit, I refuse to have anyone tell me how I get to live my life for whatever of it remains. (I had a friend die recently, and my mom died at age 50, Im 45, thus the morbid component- no worries, Im not suicidal!) Especially due to another persons issues.

Hope this strikes a chord for someone.