Reply to Tired of Validating My Mother

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Tired of Validating My Mother"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like she's pushing, pushing, pushing and doesn't realize how manipulative she is being. I'm not sure pointing this out is going to do a lot of good, because she may read it as more rejection.

Maybe it would easier and more effective to manage her expectations. Maybe tell her how much you value her and want her in your life. Acknowledge that she wants pictures and news about her grandbaby. Explain that you are really, really busy on weekdays and are just keeping your head above water between working, cooking, cleaning, and being a parent. But you will call her and send some pictures every Saturday night (or whatever schedule will actually work for you). If she knows she's going to be hearing from you regularly and that you are sending her what she hopes for, she might feel less needy.

[b]It sounds like she uses FB. Have you considered snapping little pictures each day and uploading them to your wall, or into your "family" circle on Google plus. My husband does this several days a week (he loves the Smartphone), and its a lot easier than sending pictures to several family members individually. We just put them up, and then others can decide how often they want to be tortured/delighted with our baby pictures.[/b]

[/quote]

Several PPs have suggested this, but I actually disagree.  It sounds like what OP's mom wants is to feel that she has a special place as the grandma, not just that she gets to see the same pics OP posts for every other family member or her elementary school classmates and former coworkers on facebook.  I'm not saying OP is obligated to do this, but just that the best way to try to placate her mom is to think about what she is really asking for.  As OP pointed out, what she wants is validation.  The actual pictures are almost meaningless unless she has more of them or more access than other people (especially OP's birth mom).

So I agree that very explicit boundaries should be set, in terms of how many times per week you will talk to her, how many pictures, etc.  Yes, OP, it sucks to have to be so formal, but it sucks worse to have your relationship ruined b/c you are not on the same page.  Also, the agreement you come up with should be the minimum she can expect to hear from you, and also the amount over which she cannot give you a hard time.  But you can still get in touch with her randomly more often, just so the whole thing doesn't feel so much like a business transaction.

As far as what is reasonable for how often to interact with her, as PPs have said, it's up to you.  I would say most women I know who have young children and who have a reasonably decent relationship with their out-of-town moms (which you may not have now, but hope to have) speak on the phone to their moms around 1-2x a week and text pictures about that often as well.  Visits seem to depend on how helpful the mom is.  My mom used to be super helpful with my kids and she would visit about once a month for 2-3 nights, which worked for all of us.  Now (for many reasons) she is no longer as helpful, and she is more difficult to have around, but she still adores her grandchildren.  SO we manage to stretch it to about every 6 weeks.

One final thought -- OP, have you considered trying to be even more secretive about your dealings with your birth mom?  My mom acts kind of similarly about me spending time with my dad and stepmom, and I have finally started actively concealing it from her when we see them.  I try not to lie to her outright, so if they have been in town for the weekend that is usually a "busy week at work" when I don't get to talk to my mom, and  by the time I talk to her the "how was your weekend" conversation is forgotten.  SUre it would be nice to be able to be truthful but that would require my mom being a different person, and in this life all I can do is try to get along with as little drama as possible.  Sounds like you are doing the same, OP.  Good luck.   [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics