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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, what is really curious to me is, even if your request were utterly trivial, since it could jeopardize access to the grandchild, you would think she would do it, right?  Well, the thing is, she thinks there is no danger of that.  You have to set her straight.

How you set the tone here would probably save you loads of stress in the future.  As a matter of fact, you *should* make trivial requests, and until she complies fully, the grandma/mom relationship is still rocky, given your past history.

My DH had a similarly abusive mother.  He recognizes that she can be a good grandma but a piss-poor mother, but for the sake of his sanity, he lays down the law.  And does make trivial requests.  Oh boy, there was kicking and screaming in the beginning.  She threatened to kill herself.  She thought her boy was bluffing.  Uh, no.  Then she got scared because we basically gave her the impression that we didn't give a shit if she offed herself.  Now she rarely acts up, but he has to be on guard.  He has to be like a drill sergeant.

You are in for a world of stress if you let this woman run roughshod back into your life.  Please, please, please train her, like the mean dog that she is.  Some people only respond to pain and authority figures.  My DH can be that figure, but he finds it very draining.  He can only take her in limited doses.

[b]If he were in your shoes, he would tell her, "if you show up with perfume one more time, you are not setting foot in my house.  Do you understand?"  She will show up with perfume (of course, right?), and after one whiff, he will shut the door in her face and lock it.  Ignore knocking until she drives away.  If she is already in the house, evict her.  There has been an occasion when I had to physically push my MIL out of the house.  She was refusing to leave.[/b]

If this all sounds like something that is not up your alley, then your alternative is probably her continuous critical and crazy comments, her perfume, and it may even encompass more serious stuff like her sneaking formula down your baby's throat while you are not looking.

So, in answer to your question, no you are not being too harsh.  If the fight over boundaries is not something you are willing to engage in, then you should probably cut your losses.

But MIL does seem to love her granddaughter very much.  Some of the craziest, abusive mothers are halfway decent grandmothers.  It's weird like that.[/quote]

OP--print this post out and copy it. Hang it on you bathroom mirrors and put it by your bedside. Read it every day and more. These are very wise words.[/quote]

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