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[quote=Anonymous]My mother and I never had a good relationship.  She was an abusive parent (verbally mostly, physically sometimes) and it took a lot to deal with her when I was younger.  I know she struggled with depression, and dealing with my physically abusive, drug addicted father, but even with that understanding it's hard to forgive a lot that happened then. (Not to spill too many personal details, but it was bad enough that friends from middle school remember her as scary/crazy, a group of my teachers in high school had a meeting and planned to help me with another place to live and legal emancipation, and I finally moved out at 17 for good.)

Over the years, I cut her off and stopped talking to her, but in the last decade she's tried to be more conciliatory and to make overtures at repairing our relationship. Since she appeared to be sincere, I also engaged in good faith, and while it is still not a good idea for us to spend a lot of time together, we could maintain a surface level, acquaintance like relationship for major events and holidays.

Then I got pregnant.

Mom seemed to be really excited about the pregnancy and even wanted to be there for the babies birth.  But now, the other side of her is starting to show. The baby is twelve days old, and she insists on coming over completely covered in a heavy, cloying perfume.  I asked her not to wear it to the hospital, and she did, so I assumed in all the excitement she just forgot.  When she came over to visit, I noticed the smell (it's so strong it comes through the front door) and asked her why she chose to wear the perfume. She said "it was just a spritz, stop being so picky!" I told her what the doctors said about strong and heavy scents around the newborn, and reminded her that I struggled with allergies my whole life, so there is a good chance the baby will have the same problems. (I've had severe pollen and scent allergies since childhood - never got proper medical treatment for them until I was an adult and in charge of my own life.)  I pointed out how the doctors asked for everything we use on the baby to be as natural and unscented as possible, how I don't have perfumes or strongly scented items in the house, and how he has a good chance of inheriting my allergies if we are not careful.

So today, she asks to come over and I told her she is welcome to come by as long as she doesn't wear her usual perfume (this was the 3rd time I asked her in 12 days).  Her reply was "whatever, get over it."  And I went off and told her that if she valued her perfume over her grandson's health, then she wouldn't get to see him.

So here's the thing- to me, this is a really petty thing to have a fight over.  And yet, it's kind of indicative of my life with my mom, that she doesn't care about anyone's comfort or needs but her own and she's also good at ignoring what other people say.  She's made a lot of derogatory comments about breastfeeding and that my almost 8 lb child is "too small" going so far as to bring over cans of Similac.  If we didn't have the history we do , I would just think she was uninformed about raising kids these days (she also makes a lot of comments about spoiling the baby by holding and feeding him too much). But a lot of what she is saying or doing triggers memories from my past. And it honestly feels like I am sliding down a familiar, slippery slope where she feels entitled to do whatever she wants, regardless of what I say or do. The way I dealt with it before was by not dealing with her at all - but she clearly wants to have some kind of relationship with the baby even if she's not willing to give up her perfume for it.

Am I being too harsh? Or do I just need to cut my losses with this relationship?[/quote]

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