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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well have you actually talked to them and told them how you feel?[/quote]

[b]THIS. [/b]

OP, you don't say if you have bluntly said, "I want you to tell me when things like X, Y and Z happen. While I like to hear about the daily things, I feel left out of the loop when I find out months later than uncle X died and no one told me at that time. If you are worried that serious things like that, or grandma being in the hospital, will upset me -- well of course they are upsetting things but I want to share that kind of news so please make a point of telling me."

Why can't you be that frank with them? Is there more to the relationship that we don't know about that prevents you from just saying, "Hey, I had to see in the newspaper that my uncle died -- I felt broadsided and would have really, really wanted to hear that from you. Please do not think you need to protect me from negative news."

Also, consider: Not sure about the siblings' excuse but your parents might be uncomfortable with Skype and feel awkward using it, hence the superficial talk. Or they might feel that now that they don't see you in person, they want to present a happy "everything's OK" front for you, possibly because they don't want to make you feel bad that you're far away. Of course they inadvertently are doing just that by not telling you important but negative news, but they may not SEE it that way. Whatever the reasons, they may sincerely feel they are somehow protecting you or being kind by not mentioning these things: "Oh, he/she is so far away, if we go on about grandma's illness, Adult Child will feel bad that he/she is not here and there's nothing he/she can do about it anyway so we'll just talk about that if it's serious/if anything changes/if he/she asks about grandma specifically."

No, those are not really good excuses to keep from telling you things but can you step back a bit from your hurt, be objective, and see that maybe in their minds there is some reason they don't mention certain things?

That is why I'd be really clear with them all: I love you, I want to be part of ALL our family news, not just the good stuff and daily stuff.

And realize too that you just may need to ask a lot of specific questions. "How is grandma, she was in the hospital -- is she out yet?" If she's back home: "Who's caring for her? Did you get in an agency or is cousin Y staying with her?" and so on. Some people just have to be asked for details, not because they're somehow spitefully holding out on you, but because they "don't want to burden you" and so on. It is a trait I've seen in my mom's generation a lot -- "I don't want to burden you with that," which they truly feel is the right course to take. Our generation can judge that and get angry or we can realize that it's how they were raised -- don't make a fuss, don't bother others (yes, even family) with your problems -- and we can take action to get the information we need by asking questions. At least that was my experience. Like I said, there's less excuse for your siblings so maybe start with them and the "I want to know" talk.

Oh, and the trivial talk may just be their way of taking off the pressure of things like someone being in the hospital. Among themselves, there, it's probably being talked about constantly, they are visiting, they are having to make plans and deal with doctors and insurers -- so when they come to talk to you it likely is a relief to talk about anything else and to focus on even trivial things. Again, just something to consider about the "why" behind this. Talk to them about it.[/quote]

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