Anonymous wrote:Well have you actually talked to them and told them how you feel?

THIS.

OP, you don't say if you have bluntly said, "I want you to tell me when things like X, Y and Z happen. While I like to hear about the daily things, I feel left out of the loop when I find out months later than uncle X died and no one told me at that time. If you are worried that serious things like that, or grandma being in the hospital, will upset me -- well of course they are upsetting things but I want to share that kind of news so please make a point of telling me."

Why can't you be that frank with them? Is there more to the relationship that we don't know about that prevents you from just saying, "Hey, I had to see in the newspaper that my uncle died -- I felt broadsided and would have really, really wanted to hear that from you. Please do not think you need to protect me from negative news."

Also, consider: Not sure about the siblings' excuse but your parents might be uncomfortable with Skype and feel awkward using it, hence the superficial talk. Or they might feel that now that they don't see you in person, they want to present a happy "everything's OK" front for you, possibly because they don't want to make you feel bad that you're far away. Of course they inadvertently are doing just that by not telling you important but negative news, but they may not SEE it that way. Whatever the reasons, they may sincerely feel they are somehow protecting you or being kind by not mentioning these things: "Oh, he/she is so far away, if we go on about grandma's illness, Adult Child will feel bad that he/she is not here and there's nothing he/she can do about it anyway so we'll just talk about that if it's serious/if anything changes/if he/she asks about grandma specifically."

No, those are not really good excuses to keep from telling you things but can you step back a bit from your hurt, be objective, and see that maybe in their minds there is some reason they don't mention certain things?

That is why I'd be really clear with them all: I love you, I want to be part of ALL our family news, not just the good stuff and daily stuff.

And realize too that you just may need to ask a lot of specific questions. "How is grandma, she was in the hospital -- is she out yet?" If she's back home: "Who's caring for her? Did you get in an agency or is cousin Y staying with her?" and so on. Some people just have to be asked for details, not because they're somehow spitefully holding out on you, but because they "don't want to burden you" and so on. It is a trait I've seen in my mom's generation a lot -- "I don't want to burden you with that," which they truly feel is the right course to take. Our generation can judge that and get angry or we can realize that it's how they were raised -- don't make a fuss, don't bother others (yes, even family) with your problems -- and we can take action to get the information we need by asking questions. At least that was my experience. Like I said, there's less excuse for your siblings so maybe start with them and the "I want to know" talk.

Oh, and the trivial talk may just be their way of taking off the pressure of things like someone being in the hospital. Among themselves, there, it's probably being talked about constantly, they are visiting, they are having to make plans and deal with doctors and insurers -- so when they come to talk to you it likely is a relief to talk about anything else and to focus on even trivial things. Again, just something to consider about the "why" behind this. Talk to them about it.

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Last year when my father went to the ER and was admitted, my mother didn't tell my brother or me for a day or two. She "didn't want to bother" us. Talk about not being told what is going on!

my parents did exactly this to my brother and I a few years ago... some passive aggressive bullshit (at least on my mom's part). Sadly, I am now looking forward to letting my brother know that this happens to others... !

Anonymous wrote:I live away from my family and this happens to me a lot. My parents do it because they know I feel sad and guilty that I can't always get home when important stuff happens. They don't want to make me feel any worse about the situation

This. Me too.

I live away from my family and this happens to me a lot. My parents do it because they know I feel sad and guilty that I can't always get home when important stuff happens. They don't want to make me feel any worse about the situation

This is an interesting thread and it seems to be a wide spread issue. Sister in law didn't tell me that her brother died. No one told me. I didn't know for a year. He hadn't been sick. I still don't know details which don't need to be my business, but considering I thought sis and I were close, very strange.

OP here. There is a strange dynamic in my family. I think my dad specifically feels closer to my sibling if he's privy to information that others aren't. There are things that he intentionally doesn't tell me and when I ask him why I wasn't told, it's "oh, I didn't know if so and so wanted people knowing." It is really stupid that I get information about my own family from Facebook through mutual friends.

my mom does this to me but its her passive aggressive manipulative because she believes that i am keeping things from her so she goes out of her way to lie to me and not tell me things...big or small.

my mil is a huge gossip and believes she was put on this planet to update everyone on everyone elses personal information so generally you get way more information that you could ever want. but she also has failed to tell us some big things...like dh grandma being hospitalized or something. sometimes she just has a lot going on and i think especially in dealing with elderly there just is a lot of up and down and constant need with them that sometimes it just slips.

have you tried talking to them? i haven't lived near my family in over a decade and i think there just is a lot that distance puts on a relationship. i feel like unless i jump through hoops to make an effort and go above and beyond all the time, i always will feel left out. it's just something i have to accept for not living where everyone else lives.

When you are away and not part of the situation, by the time they talk to you the immediacy of it is over. They likely don't want to burden you when you can't do anything about it, or be there with them. Also it goes both ways. Do you call and talk to your grandma, always ask about how she is doing? If you don't they may not think that her being in hospital is something that is important to remember to tell you.

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Last year when my father went to the ER and was admitted, my mother didn't tell my brother or me for a day or two. She "didn't want to bother" us. Talk about not being told what is going on!

My parents are like this too! Drives me nuts. (Although now that my mother is getting older she really wants to rant about everything and anything negative, which also drives me nuts.)

OP, I wouldn't take it personally. You are still "one of them." Tell them that you want to be kept in the loop of these kinds of things. I know you feel left out but miscommunication issues are small potatoes.

PP again. Last year when my father went to the ER and was admitted, my mother didn't tell my brother or me for a day or two. She "didn't want to bother" us. Talk about not being told what is going on!

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm in a similar situation. It is hurtful. Now when I'm on the phone with them, I make sure to ask, how's Grandma, how's Rover, what's new with so-and-so, how's your job, etc...

Another thing that bothers me is when a birthday or holiday is coming up, the plans are made, then someone will tell me, "we're meeting at so-and-so's house for Sunday brunch if you can make it." I'm only two hours away and come to most big events. I would love to actually be asked some time when is a good time for me.

This is my situation, too, even to being two hours away. More recently, however, they don't even add the "if you can make it." It's just: we're having Easter brunch at your brother's house. I've tried talking to them about it, but it doesn't seem to change things. So, I just try not to let it get to me.

Yes, I'm in a similar situation. It is hurtful. Now when I'm on the phone with them, I make sure to ask, how's Grandma, how's Rover, what's new with so-and-so, how's your job, etc...

Another thing that bothers me is when a birthday or holiday is coming up, the plans are made, then someone will tell me, "we're meeting at so-and-so's house for Sunday brunch if you can make it." I'm only two hours away and come to most big events. I would love to actually be asked some time when is a good time for me.

In my family I'm told what's going on, constantly asked for my opinions, advice, preferences and then swiftly ignored. Sometimes it's even for stuff about me, like what I want for my birthday.

Oh, you want OPI nail polishes? Here. Here is a lovely magazine catchall from Red Envelope. Happy Birthday. ???

Well have you actually talked to them and told them how you feel?

I moved away but still talk and Skype to my parents/siblings often. They'll talk to me about stupid mundane crap but neglect to tell me that the family pet died or my grandmother was rushed to the hospital and is having surgery. It's like I'm no longer a part of the family because I'm not physically there. This has been going on for years now, I'm at the point where I don't feel like wasting time chit chatting with them, it feels insincere knowing that I'm not considered "one of them."
Am I being too sensitive or does this sound like strange behavior?