Reply to Stigma against ADHD still strong as ever

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Sure, "Trying to let go of others' (mis)conceptions of (my) child" is indeed good generic advice.

However, we are talking about family here, and a general bigger picture about the stigma of ADHD that provides some context for the scope of that challenge.

The last thing any kid with any kind of difference needs is the feeling that their own extended family views them as "not good enough". This is hardly something I can let go of, its something I have to actually take on so that my husbands family does not continue their pattern of severe scapegoating, which included emotional and physical abuse of DH has a child.

SIL , I have just discovered, is very capable of being just as awful as her parents were to her brother. New fact for me. Disappointing for sure. Again, especially because she is an educator.

So "letting go" in this case largely means staying the hell away from them. I have only recently learned how necessary that is going to be. But since DH's family has shown so little genuine interest in our daughter, and hardly spends time with her, I think it can be managed.

Also, this stigma of ADHD is something that is way worse than I suspected. I thought it was better understood, that the fact that there are treatments makes people more aware, etc etc etc. NOT SO. Again, every single day I hear stories from parents served very poorly in the public as well as as private schools. Shameful stories really, where both teachers and administrators went way over the top to scapegoat kids. It happens. Just FYI.

Im sure its happened to many people on this list. I am always glad to hear of GOOD stories from schools. But for every good one, I hear at least 3 awful ones.

So I posted the link I did because it serves those who are in transition from suspecting their kid has ADHD to being pretty darn sure, given family history, behaviors, etc. And the difficulty of having to navigate doing what is truly best for your child while your own family gives you their ignorant opinions and deeply held personal judgements, that is definitely challenging.

I just want people to know they are NOT alone in that!

Im also beginning to see how damaging those early childhood experiences of one's ADHD being countered with punitive authoritarian methods and views. I can see it in my DH who is having to now learn how to parent our child without getting inappropriately angry at her for when she is actually NOT having a discipline issue, while also understanding when it IS appropriate to see it that way and how to handle THAT without anger. I now see why its been so difficult for him- he was never modeled any other way.

This comment right here is the one that needs mentioning "I'm sorry you've had some negative interactions but you seem pretty thin skinned and overprotective."

Im not sure how posters on DCUM feel so confident making large sweeping assumptions from very little info. My child was actually bullied and ostracized in public school so severely in the first three weeks of kindergarten that it took the rest of the year at a Montessori school for her to recover. In that environment, the exact same kid was able to flourish. Go figure.

So that is just one example.

My child has had plenty of opportunities to have people react to her. I feel my job as a parent is to make decisions as to when those reactions are appropriate and ultimately helpful for building a fully functioning adult.

So, while its perfectly ok to say "dont climb on the couch" or to register disapproval for climbing on the couch to your niece, it is NOT ok to then make your niece feel like she does get to have a relationship with her cousin because she is such a bad poorly parented kid.

The need to go to that way of thinking may have its roots in family dysfunction, but my point is that I keep hearing stories like this over and over, pointing to a larger problem.

Parents with newly diagnosed or suspected diagnosis of ADHD children who have a spouse with ADHD who may have been mistreated by his/her family because of it, TAKE NOTE. I just pieced together the family history of neglect, emotional and physical abuse, on top of just plain old ignorance that _could_ easily have been passed on to our child had I not put together all the aforementioned pieces. DH never physically hit our kid, and is very kind and compassionate, but when he gets stressed by the challenges of parenting, he had been reverting to some of the judgemental  patterns he grew up with- YIKES! It was like watching a different person come out of nowhere. NOW I understand where that comes from.

Due to these recent revelations, he has completely changed his approach. And its already making a huge difference in the dynamic.

Onward!

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