Im also beginning to see how damaging those early childhood experiences of one's ADHD being countered with punitive authoritarian methods and views. I can see it in my DH who is having to now learn how to parent our child without getting inappropriately angry at her for when she is actually NOT having a discipline issue, while also understanding when it IS appropriate to see it that way and how to handle THAT without anger. I now see why its been so difficult for him- he was never modeled any other way.

I understand you're really angry and understandably so. My DH is the one with ADHD but I'm the one that comes from a violent, abusive family. He, too, is outraged on my behalf about what I suffered. So while I get your anger, I don't think that abuse is an ADHD issue, it's an abusive family issue.

My DH wasn't diagnosed until after our oldest was (in K). He, too, has many of the challenges parenting that you mention - not because he didn't have appropriate parent role models but because of his ADHD. His parents were wonderful. He has poor emotional regulation and has difficulty 'editing'. He speaks before he thinks and parenting our kids, especially our ADHD kids is a challenge for him because he struggles with executive functioning.

I, on the other hand, had a horrific childhood and the model my parents presented is one I'm determined not to imitate. Yet, I'm a better parent than DH because I have excellent control, don't mirror my kids' emotions and am usually able to distinguish whether a behavior has it's roots in ADHD or something needing consequences/discipline. What I'm saying is that your DH's behavior and challenges aren't necessarily a result of his upbringing. I'm not trying to minimize the impact of what he suffered but much of what you describe could also have it's roots in his ADHD.

Growing up with untreated ADHD has it's own legacy. I understand your anger but the swath your painting with your ILs behavior is far too wide.

OP, instead of writing huge opuses about a relative you obviously don't enjoy, maybe you should just stop hanging around her and her offspring. And see a family counselor already. Your family needs one.

Clearly, OP, you have a specific ax to grind with your SIL. No problem. But your attempts to blow this up into some universal indictment of extended family or teachers is just foolish.

Your problem is particular and you should probably handle it in your family instead of creating worry here where there is no call for it.

OP here. Sure, "Trying to let go of others' (mis)conceptions of (my) child" is indeed good generic advice.

However, we are talking about family here, and a general bigger picture about the stigma of ADHD that provides some context for the scope of that challenge.

The last thing any kid with any kind of difference needs is the feeling that their own extended family views them as "not good enough". This is hardly something I can let go of, its something I have to actually take on so that my husbands family does not continue their pattern of severe scapegoating, which included emotional and physical abuse of DH has a child.

SIL , I have just discovered, is very capable of being just as awful as her parents were to her brother. New fact for me. Disappointing for sure. Again, especially because she is an educator.

So "letting go" in this case largely means staying the hell away from them. I have only recently learned how necessary that is going to be. But since DH's family has shown so little genuine interest in our daughter, and hardly spends time with her, I think it can be managed.

Also, this stigma of ADHD is something that is way worse than I suspected. I thought it was better understood, that the fact that there are treatments makes people more aware, etc etc etc. NOT SO. Again, every single day I hear stories from parents served very poorly in the public as well as as private schools. Shameful stories really, where both teachers and administrators went way over the top to scapegoat kids. It happens. Just FYI.

Im sure its happened to many people on this list. I am always glad to hear of GOOD stories from schools. But for every good one, I hear at least 3 awful ones.

So I posted the link I did because it serves those who are in transition from suspecting their kid has ADHD to being pretty darn sure, given family history, behaviors, etc. And the difficulty of having to navigate doing what is truly best for your child while your own family gives you their ignorant opinions and deeply held personal judgements, that is definitely challenging.

I just want people to know they are NOT alone in that!

Im also beginning to see how damaging those early childhood experiences of one's ADHD being countered with punitive authoritarian methods and views. I can see it in my DH who is having to now learn how to parent our child without getting inappropriately angry at her for when she is actually NOT having a discipline issue, while also understanding when it IS appropriate to see it that way and how to handle THAT without anger. I now see why its been so difficult for him- he was never modeled any other way.

This comment right here is the one that needs mentioning "I'm sorry you've had some negative interactions but you seem pretty thin skinned and overprotective."

Im not sure how posters on DCUM feel so confident making large sweeping assumptions from very little info. My child was actually bullied and ostracized in public school so severely in the first three weeks of kindergarten that it took the rest of the year at a Montessori school for her to recover. In that environment, the exact same kid was able to flourish. Go figure.

So that is just one example.

My child has had plenty of opportunities to have people react to her. I feel my job as a parent is to make decisions as to when those reactions are appropriate and ultimately helpful for building a fully functioning adult.

So, while its perfectly ok to say "dont climb on the couch" or to register disapproval for climbing on the couch to your niece, it is NOT ok to then make your niece feel like she does get to have a relationship with her cousin because she is such a bad poorly parented kid.

The need to go to that way of thinking may have its roots in family dysfunction, but my point is that I keep hearing stories like this over and over, pointing to a larger problem.

Parents with newly diagnosed or suspected diagnosis of ADHD children who have a spouse with ADHD who may have been mistreated by his/her family because of it, TAKE NOTE. I just pieced together the family history of neglect, emotional and physical abuse, on top of just plain old ignorance that _could_ easily have been passed on to our child had I not put together all the aforementioned pieces. DH never physically hit our kid, and is very kind and compassionate, but when he gets stressed by the challenges of parenting, he had been reverting to some of the judgemental patterns he grew up with- YIKES! It was like watching a different person come out of nowhere. NOW I understand where that comes from.

Due to these recent revelations, he has completely changed his approach. And its already making a huge difference in the dynamic.

Onward!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with pretty severe ADHD, although the meds have helped a lot. I'm sorry you've had some negative interactions but you seem pretty thin skinned and overprotective. Your child will have to encounter the rest of the world at some point and learn to let other people's judgments go. This seems like a lesson you might need to learn first.

Damn PP, I think OP was just venting some steam. You on the other hand seem very cold and uncaring.

I don't think 20:46 meant it to be cold or uncaring. It's hard to know whether the OP posted just to vent or looking for advice. Trying to let go of others' (mis)perceptions of her child is indeed good advice.

Oh, and on THIS forum, it also kills me when parents of SN kiddos who don't have behavior-like issues of ADHD judge the posters who do struggle with this and are trying to get support and advice!

*smh*

I guess we humans are *often* just "judgy"

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone who understands what I am saying. SIL did not say or do anything to DD but register garden variety disapproval. This is not at all about me being overprotective of her.

The interaction I am referring to is SIL talking to _me_ and revealing the extent of her unbelievable judgementalism, ignorance and denial of her own problems.

If you want the real scoop on that entire family (DH's) you can read the post "outraged at DH's family's treatment of him." This post here is just one aspect of SIL that has come out.

I realize now also that parenting and helping an ADHD child is very taxing and requires a lot of patience and willingness to learn. DH's parents never had either. But they stigmatized and scapegoated him in ways I would not expect an elementary school teacher RECENTLY TRAINED who has ADD herself and who I would HOPE would have been trained in at least spotting some possible signs of it in kids. Rather than thinking of them as bad, poorly parented kids.

THAT is what kind of blows my mind.

DH says he now realizes he has in the past been judgemental of kids behaviors who he now thinks might have ADD- the good thing there is that I told him he is not allowed to do that to our kid. Now _he_ has to do the hard work his parents (and now idiot sister) never did.

The ignorance stops here. Not on my watch, as the saying goes.

completely agree. DH use to be judgmental too (and he'll admit as much) of parents when their babies or their kids were crying or having a hard time.
Now he says, "poor kiddos"... We never stop learning do we?

Thanks everyone who understands what I am saying. SIL did not say or do anything to DD but register garden variety disapproval. This is not at all about me being overprotective of her.

The interaction I am referring to is SIL talking to _me_ and revealing the extent of her unbelievable judgementalism, ignorance and denial of her own problems.

If you want the real scoop on that entire family (DH's) you can read the post "outraged at DH's family's treatment of him." This post here is just one aspect of SIL that has come out.

I realize now also that parenting and helping an ADHD child is very taxing and requires a lot of patience and willingness to learn. DH's parents never had either. But they stigmatized and scapegoated him in ways I would not expect an elementary school teacher RECENTLY TRAINED who has ADD herself and who I would HOPE would have been trained in at least spotting some possible signs of it in kids. Rather than thinking of them as bad, poorly parented kids.

THAT is what kind of blows my mind.

DH says he now realizes he has in the past been judgemental of kids behaviors who he now thinks might have ADD- the good thing there is that I told him he is not allowed to do that to our kid. Now _he_ has to do the hard work his parents (and now idiot sister) never did.

The ignorance stops here. Not on my watch, as the saying goes.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yeah, you got it right.

I think she thinks that her amazing parenting skills created her son (who hardly makes eye contact or talks but is a "good boy" in school and "listens").

I feel sorry for the children she is in charge of.

Oh, and my DD's awful behavior? Climbing on the back of her couch when she was 4. It was so unforgiveable she brings it up three years later.

So, apparently, a 4 year old who climbs on the back of couch after being told not to is "Clearly" parented differently than her angelic child.

This SIL has other "issues" but I found it appalling in particular that she would single out a small thing like that, which actually is normal 4 year old behavior or boundary pushing OR possible ADHD, as some big example of something to hold against her. And us.


She has spent only a few hours with her over the course of her 7 year life.

My point being: an "educator" who thinks she has ADD but does not treat it is not necessarily going to show compassion (or even curiosity/understanding) for kids with ADHD.

Just wanted to say, that I've had the same experience with people IRL and online.
You just got to brush it off and know that you are doing the right things for your child and that yes, despite whatever anybody may think, you're doing one heck of a great job being a mom.

And take notice of all those in your life who do recognize what an awesome momma you are

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with pretty severe ADHD, although the meds have helped a lot. I'm sorry you've had some negative interactions but you seem pretty thin skinned and overprotective. Your child will have to encounter the rest of the world at some point and learn to let other people's judgments go. This seems like a lesson you might need to learn first.

Damn PP, I think OP was just venting some steam. You on the other hand seem very cold and uncaring.

I have a child with pretty severe ADHD, although the meds have helped a lot. I'm sorry you've had some negative interactions but you seem pretty thin skinned and overprotective. Your child will have to encounter the rest of the world at some point and learn to let other people's judgments go. This seems like a lesson you might need to learn first.

OP again. I am a homeschooler and meet MANY parents who opted to homeschool after having their ADHD children quite heartlessly stigmatized by teachers and administrators in MCPS. With and without IEP's and 504's. Its appalling. SIL was a MCPS teacher. She fits the bill.

Im sure there are many compassionate teachers in MCPS but the stories I am hearing over and over and over do not involve them. One woman had to sue MCPS because they refused to accomdate her son and she won and they had to pay to send her son to the Lab School (I think that is what it is called).

Anyway, point being, despite what we know about ADHD, there are still plenty of terrible attitudes around and they negatively impact kids and parents every day.

OP here. Yeah, you got it right.

I think she thinks that her amazing parenting skills created her son (who hardly makes eye contact or talks but is a "good boy" in school and "listens").

I feel sorry for the children she is in charge of.

Oh, and my DD's awful behavior? Climbing on the back of her couch when she was 4. It was so unforgiveable she brings it up three years later.

So, apparently, a 4 year old who climbs on the back of couch after being told not to is "Clearly" parented differently than her angelic child.

This SIL has other "issues" but I found it appalling in particular that she would single out a small thing like that, which actually is normal 4 year old behavior or boundary pushing OR possible ADHD, as some big example of something to hold against her. And us.


She has spent only a few hours with her over the course of her 7 year life.

My point being: an "educator" who thinks she has ADD but does not treat it is not necessarily going to show compassion (or even curiosity/understanding) for kids with ADHD.

OP,

I'm confused. Your SIL suspects she has ADHD and doesn't seek treatment for herself?

I just had a horrible interaction with my SIL (sister to my husband with ADD) whose judgements of my daughter who probably is on the ADHD spectrum was so off the scale nasty and ignorant (and SIL is an elementary school teacher who has said she knows SHE has ADD but does not treat it) reminded me that people see what they want to see, and judgements are still with us. Here is a very basic primer to forward to people who might be thinking their kid has ADHD but are not yet sure.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm