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[quote=Anonymous]I agree that DH is the problem, but I have lived though something similar.  My ILs are fine - a little controlling but not terrible.  Never rude or insulting, or anything like that.  But if you tried to judge our marriage on how my DH treated me with his parents around, you would have considered our relationship a disaster, with my DH being at best inattentive and at worst emotionally abusive.

Here's the thing:  my DH can barely tolerate his parents.  They have never really understood each other, even though I know they love him as best they can.  He would find the strain of spending that much time with them too much to handle, and, like a child who lashes out at his or her parent because they feel safe doing so, my DH took out his unhappiness on me.  Fair?  Hell, no.  Once I understood the dynamic, and once HE understood it, we were able to take steps to eliminate those reactions.  The number one thing?  Limit the time with his parents.  The maximum stay for them is now 4-5 days.

So, my recommendation is discuss this calmly with your DH (I feel you treat me terribly when your parents are around).  Even better if you could do some couples therapy to work this out.  Also, tell him that, since they dynamic is unhealthy for you and shows utter disrespect for you in front of your children, you are removing yourself from the toxic situation.  Either he treats you respectfully, or you don't go.  Don't make it punitive - just a dispassionate statement of your position.  You can also offer a family vacation with JUST your nuclear family.[/quote]

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