Reply to Pressure to travel to see family, but can't afford it -- how to handle?

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[quote=Anonymous]I will preface this by saying that DH and I made some less than ideal financial choices in our 20s (mostly having to do with racking up large amounts of educational debt). We are at a low point right now financially, meaning that things are very, very tight, and although we anticipate that this situation will improve gradually over time, we expect to have very little disposable income for the next 5 to 6 years at least. We are working on paying down our student loans. Because of our HHI compared to our balance, this will take a good 15 years. In the meantime, we live in a very modest house with a small mortgage. We do not have cable. We go out to eat very rarely. We do not take vacations. Because people will want to know, we are in our mid-30s and we have children. I'm not looking for financial advice -- we have a plan and we are working toward becoming debt free. I feel good about the direction we are going in, but there is no money for extras for the foreseeable future.

Our biggest problem is that my DH's family lives out West, while we live in NoVa. We cannot afford air travel and will not be able to afford air travel for several years. I love my in-laws and I would love to see them multiple times a year. They insist on seeing us once a year with the rest of the family (DH's two siblings and their families) -- usually this gathering happens at Thanksgiving. In 2010, my in-laws bought our plane tickets. In 2011, everyone came to us (which was ridiculously expensive for them because we had to rent a vacation home in addition to their airfare -- we provided all the groceries). Last year, my in-laws paid for 75% of the cost of our tickets. This year and next year, my in-laws are temporarily living in a state that is close enough for us to drive to (although it is a very long drive, it will still be a significantly less expensive trip than flying -- a stretch for us but a doable one). After that, I just don't know what to do. I hate being as old as we are and having to tell them that we cannot afford to travel to see them -- because what inevitably happens is that they offer to pay so that they can see us -- but that is the reality. We can't magically increase our HHI and our debt isn't going to magically disappear. DH's siblings' families are in better financial shape than we are, so as far as I am aware they do not have difficulty attending the yearly gathering. My in-laws are doing pretty well financially as well, so they are not spending money they don't have. Intellectually, factually, I think they understand where we are financially, as we have been open with them about it, but emotionally, my MIL is very attached to this once a year gathering (and I don't blame her, I look forward to them and enjoy them too and in general I value seeing family very highly) and is just willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

How would you handle this? I feel like I have a reprieve this year and next year, but this whole thing has become really fraught over time. I hate taking money from them, and I hate having to poormouth to them, but I'm not going to put airline tickets on a credit card or spend down our meager savings for travel costs when we have children to clothe and feed and expenses like health insurance that simply have to take priority. Advice?

P.S. Please no advice on how to make extra money or cut expenses. We are as bare bones as it gets. Just assume for the sake of argument that our HHI is what it is and that no one is going to get a new job with a higher salary. I only want advice on how to address this situation with my in-laws.   [/quote]

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