OP here. Thanks for the replies. .. I think. I used to think things like "a lot can happen in two years," but for various reasons our financial situation is pretty set. Our ship is not going to come in. It's going to be a long stretch of lean years. I have finally accepted that. Yes, I am thinking about this somewhat prematurely. Our gathering this year is coming up in a few weeks and that's why it's on my mind. Plus it has been bothering me every year for several years now. I thought that by now we would be able to set aside a few thousand every year to do this for my in-laws, even at the expense of taking any other type of vacation,but we just are not there yet. I guess you are right that we'll just have to continue doing as we have been and letting them pay. I will have to think on the idea of a part time job. Not sure if it would work for us but worth considering.

Anonymous wrote:Very simple. Don't worry about it until 2015, which is when you will actually need to make a descision/let them know.

A lot can happen in 2 years... Don't stress about this now. Not worth it.

Yeah, this. You have a remarkably stress-free life if you can afford to waste the mental bandwidth on the hypothetical "problem" of people potentially offering to pay for your air fare (willingly, and without a guilt trip) 2 years from now.

I know you said no advice on earning more money, but since I don't have to look you in the eyes I'll just ignore that. Either you or DH (but not both, because somebody has to stay home with the kids) should get a part-time night job. Yes, in addition to what you do during the day. I did it - I worked full time M-F, and then about 30 extra hours from 7pm to 11 or 11:30 at night. Can one of you bartend? Can you get a night time nannying position? Can one of you lifeguard on weekends? Think of this: say you could lifeguard Saturdays and Sundays and did that every weekend through the summer. That'd totally get you enough money for traveling to the in-laws. If one of you got a shitty seasonal job during the winter holidays doing retail, that'd earn you a decent chunk of change.

If you can show the in-laws you're busting your asses to gather money to see them, that may take away some of your guilt. Personally, if I were you (and i have been), I'd just skip it. And I have.

I haven't gone to see family in about 4 years, and that time was only because there was a funeral and my parents paid for me to attend it. I haven't gone to weddings or bar mitzvahs or anything. It sucks to be poor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not that difficult. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No one needs your life stories or disclaimers about not drinking coffee. "Sorry, its not in our budget". If they want to know why, then ask if they are offering to pay some of your bills.

Sometimes it's not that easy. We are invited to a wedding this summer in Washington State. Tickets are not cheap and although I've said it's not in our budget to go, I keep hearing the it's several months away bs at which point I say yes, we just bought a house and used our savings for a down payment. It still falls on deaf ears. The funny thing is that this wedding is ok for a cc but everything else is scrutinized. Sometimes it just sucks and you have to suck it up.

And although you aren't looking for ways for more money, I would just suggest selling some of the kids too small clothes if you don't already- I'm amazed at how that adds up.

Good luck.

It is that easy. Stop worrying about what other people think, say, and do. If you don't have the money then you don't have it. If they want to continue the discussion then they can pay some of your bills. If not, then discussion over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not that difficult. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No one needs your life stories or disclaimers about not drinking coffee. "Sorry, its not in our budget". If they want to know why, then ask if they are offering to pay some of your bills.

Sometimes it's not that easy. We are invited to a wedding this summer in Washington State. Tickets are not cheap and although I've said it's not in our budget to go, I keep hearing the it's several months away bs at which point I say yes, we just bought a house and used our savings for a down payment. It still falls on deaf ears. The funny thing is that this wedding is ok for a cc but everything else is scrutinized. Sometimes it just sucks and you have to suck it up.

And although you aren't looking for ways for more money, I would just suggest selling some of the kids too small clothes if you don't already- I'm amazed at how that adds up.

Good luck.

You are an idiot to wrack up credit card debit to go to a wedding that you don't even seem to want to attend.

Anonymous wrote:Very simple. Don't worry about it until 2015, which is when you will actually need to make a descision/let them know.

A lot can happen in 2 years... Don't stress about this now. Not worth it.

This plus I think it is fine to say you can't afford it and say yes if they offer to pay.

Totally understand. My family lives overseas and my dad is elderly and can't travel. We have to take debt to see them. We can spread cc payments and we don't want regrets about not having done what it takes to see family.

Agree that you shouldn't stress about this until it becomes an issue again in 2 years. You never know what can happen in that time. But if it were this year, I would say let them pay. What's the other option?

I know, we have been in the same boat for a few years because DH has been unemployed long-term. My parents, DH's parents, and his older brother all contributed either in stuff (clothes, etc) or in cash.

While we are very grateful, we are embarrassed as adults to accept help in this way. In my parents' case, this also comes with strings attached and they now expect we comply with certain of their requests.

It's a luxury to say "no"! A year ago, I was not in a position to refuse money This year, our cash flow is barely positive and I can finally gratefully refuse offers of financial help.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:It is not that difficult. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No one needs your life stories or disclaimers about not drinking coffee. "Sorry, its not in our budget". If they want to know why, then ask if they are offering to pay some of your bills.

Sometimes it's not that easy. We are invited to a wedding this summer in Washington State. Tickets are not cheap and although I've said it's not in our budget to go, I keep hearing the it's several months away bs at which point I say yes, we just bought a house and used our savings for a down payment. It still falls on deaf ears. The funny thing is that this wedding is ok for a cc but everything else is scrutinized. Sometimes it just sucks and you have to suck it up.

And although you aren't looking for ways for more money, I would just suggest selling some of the kids too small clothes if you don't already- I'm amazed at how that adds up.

Good luck.

It is not that difficult. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No one needs your life stories or disclaimers about not drinking coffee. "Sorry, its not in our budget". If they want to know why, then ask if they are offering to pay some of your bills.

Anonymous wrote:Very simple. Don't worry about it until 2015, which is when you will actually need to make a descision/let them know.

A lot can happen in 2 years... Don't stress about this now. Not worth it.

I agree. Why even worry about this now?

Simple. Don't got if you can't afford it. It's that simple. If they insist on paying for you to fly to them, let them do it. I don't see any other options.

Very simple. Don't worry about it until 2015, which is when you will actually need to make a descision/let them know.

A lot can happen in 2 years... Don't stress about this now. Not worth it.

I will preface this by saying that DH and I made some less than ideal financial choices in our 20s (mostly having to do with racking up large amounts of educational debt). We are at a low point right now financially, meaning that things are very, very tight, and although we anticipate that this situation will improve gradually over time, we expect to have very little disposable income for the next 5 to 6 years at least. We are working on paying down our student loans. Because of our HHI compared to our balance, this will take a good 15 years. In the meantime, we live in a very modest house with a small mortgage. We do not have cable. We go out to eat very rarely. We do not take vacations. Because people will want to know, we are in our mid-30s and we have children. I'm not looking for financial advice -- we have a plan and we are working toward becoming debt free. I feel good about the direction we are going in, but there is no money for extras for the foreseeable future.

Our biggest problem is that my DH's family lives out West, while we live in NoVa. We cannot afford air travel and will not be able to afford air travel for several years. I love my in-laws and I would love to see them multiple times a year. They insist on seeing us once a year with the rest of the family (DH's two siblings and their families) -- usually this gathering happens at Thanksgiving. In 2010, my in-laws bought our plane tickets. In 2011, everyone came to us (which was ridiculously expensive for them because we had to rent a vacation home in addition to their airfare -- we provided all the groceries). Last year, my in-laws paid for 75% of the cost of our tickets. This year and next year, my in-laws are temporarily living in a state that is close enough for us to drive to (although it is a very long drive, it will still be a significantly less expensive trip than flying -- a stretch for us but a doable one). After that, I just don't know what to do. I hate being as old as we are and having to tell them that we cannot afford to travel to see them -- because what inevitably happens is that they offer to pay so that they can see us -- but that is the reality. We can't magically increase our HHI and our debt isn't going to magically disappear. DH's siblings' families are in better financial shape than we are, so as far as I am aware they do not have difficulty attending the yearly gathering. My in-laws are doing pretty well financially as well, so they are not spending money they don't have. Intellectually, factually, I think they understand where we are financially, as we have been open with them about it, but emotionally, my MIL is very attached to this once a year gathering (and I don't blame her, I look forward to them and enjoy them too and in general I value seeing family very highly) and is just willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

How would you handle this? I feel like I have a reprieve this year and next year, but this whole thing has become really fraught over time. I hate taking money from them, and I hate having to poormouth to them, but I'm not going to put airline tickets on a credit card or spend down our meager savings for travel costs when we have children to clothe and feed and expenses like health insurance that simply have to take priority. Advice?

P.S. Please no advice on how to make extra money or cut expenses. We are as bare bones as it gets. Just assume for the sake of argument that our HHI is what it is and that no one is going to get a new job with a higher salary. I only want advice on how to address this situation with my in-laws.