Reply to Friend does not discipline her child and it's no longer fun hanging out with them -- what to do?

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Reply to "Friend does not discipline her child and it's no longer fun hanging out with them -- what to do?"

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[quote=Anonymous]So sorry this is so long, please bear with me...

I'm a SAHM with a 3-year-old DD.  I have met a bunch of nice mom friends through moms' groups and preschool, including one woman, "Amy," that i particularly click with.  Amy's DD is similar in age to mine and when we first met, the kids seemed to play well together, so we started hanging out regularly.  As the kids have gotten older, it has become clear that Amy and I do not share the same parenting style, and it is becoming a problem.  I am FAR from what you would call strict, but Amy is so permissive that it becomes disrespectful to my DD and me.

For example -- we will be at my house and my DD will start doing something I don't allow--say, playing with the refrigerator door--so I tell my DD to stop doing it, and Amy fully hears me say it.  Two minutes later, Amy's DD will start doing the EXACT same thing, and Amy stands right there and does not say a word.  This happens 10 times every time they come over.  At this point I honestly think Amy's DD specifically does things just because she heard me tell my DD not to do it.  (She is a smart kid, and overall a nice kid but I can see her learning these behaviors over time.)  A few times I have tried to gently correct Amy's DD myself, and Amy will either correct her DD once but then allow her to resume the behavior a minute later, or make some excuse, like "She's allowed to do it at school so it's hard for her to understand she can't do it here," or "She was playing with the fridge because she wanted a snack."

Also, when I see my DD take something out of another child's hand, I will immediately force her to give it back to the other child and wait her turn.  When Amy's DD grabs something from my DD -- which is constantly -- Amy will plead and cajole her DD to give it back, but if her DD chooses not to give it up, she keeps it.  I always try to redirect my DD, but at some point I start to feel bad not sticking up for her. One time this happened while Amy was out of the room, and I took the thing out of Amy's DD's hand, exactly as I would do for my DD, and Amy's DD started screaming and took another toy and threw it hard at my DD's head.  It missed, fortunately.  Amy came in as her DD was throwing the car and she said something along the lines of, sweetie, that's not nice.  And that was it.  If my kid had done that she would be in time-out or the playdate would end.

We've had many playdates with other friends and never encountered anyone like this, and frankly I have heard mutual friends comment on the situation with Amy and her DD, so I know it's not just me.  I am sad to lose the friendship with Amy but at this point it has become unpleasant to spend time with our kids together, for both my DD and me.  (Occasionally Amy and I see each other without kids but realistically that's rare.)  It's obviously not my place to say something about Amy's parenting, and I know it wouldn't do anything but cause hard feelings.  I've started to pull back a bit from Amy, be less available for plans, etc., but I think she is starting to notice.  I think if I pull back any further, Amy is going to point blank ask me what is going on.  What do I say?  There's no way to save this friendship, is there??   
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