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[quote=Anonymous]OMG I could have written that exact post, including the effect of DH's anger on our son.  I really want to share with you our experience so maybe it will help you decide what's right in your case.  My husband is knee-jerk confrontational, self-righteous and goes on the offense as a defense against perceived disrespect (which usually does not exist.)  He loses his temper at things small and large, but in between that he is also a loving father and relatively enjoyable to be around.

It came to a head eight years ago, we had a marital 'crisis'.  We both started counseling individually, and couples counseling with another therapist.  We kept at it for six long years, with DH not getting better and blaming me (I have ADHD) for "annoying him on purpose", such as having weeds removed that he thought might have been flowers, rearranging the furniture without his permission, letting my son negotiate with me about chores/homework, leaving the car unlocked, buying a 'cheap-shit' cabinet for bathroom hand towels, changing the locks when I lost my keys, not taking the car in when the check-engine light came on, cluttering the kitchen counter with containers he never approved of, and so on ad infinitum.  And of course, he resented my lack of real interest in sex even though I participated every week and tried to enjoy it.
I stayed in counseling and in the marriage for my son's sake only.  I was quite miserable, but I got a job that I liked, went on medication for anxiety and ADD, started running, and finally made the decision to leave.  Because he is so volatile, I brought it out gradually, bit by bit: first I refused to go to counseling anymore, then I said I wanted a separate bank account, then I prepared a budget to show we were living beyond our means, then I said I wanted to sell my share of our joint property, gradually I got to the point of saying I couldn't live with the anger anymore and want to discuss options.  The gradual approach was a good idea because eventually the next step became inevitable and my son did not have to witness a huge blowup, just the regular level of fighting.  However, it meant that he did not think I was serious, instead he thought that a few tweaks would fix it.  I told him it's over but allowed him to set the timeline within reason.  He started behaving a bit better and just went into denial.  Eventually I said, now is the time.  He asked me to give him more time.  Meanwhile I'm no longer the attractive younger person I was when this all started and though I'm not afraid to be alone, the reality of being alone grows with every deepening wrinkle and sag.

I'm in my mid-50s and am still hanging on because he is finally trying to modulate himself, and my son, now in middle school, has a lot of anxiety and I don't want to add to it.

The bottom line here is, I should have 'pulled the band-aid off' when my son was a toddler.  I feel like I lost the chance to have a life I loved with someone new.[/quote]

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