Reply to My husband cheated once and I'm ready to end it...

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[quote=Anonymous]Forgiveness by the other is over-rated.  My ex cheated.  He and the therapist constantly harped on my ability (or inability) to "forgive".  I felt like my ex wanted to say "I'm sorry", once and then demanded that I "forgive" him and move on.

I felt like there could be no true "forgiveness" (in the sense of "granting pardon for") unless my Ex really put in some effort to understand why he did it, how it impacted me and our children, and how he was going to prevent it from happening again.  Instead of doing the deep self-examination necessary, my ex shifted his focus to my flaw of being unable to "forgive."

There is another sense of the word "forgive", which is to "cease feeling resentment for".  That kind of forgiveness may come over time as the trauma of the infidelity subsides and you are able to move forward with your life (in whatever fashion).  Or you may "decide" to forgive and release what resentment you feel because it serves YOUR purpose.  Or you may decide that what was done was unforgiveable.  The failure to forgive doesn't preclude a person from moving on.

But, I don't think it is useful to "forgive" in order that your husband's emotional state can be eased.  Your emotions don't exist to erase your husband's pain and self-guilt.  He has to do his own work.  The only person who can "forgive" him is himself.  And, in order to do that he has to acknowledge and confront the magnitude of what he has done and why, make amends for it, and change his life and behavior so it doesn't happen again.

The focus after infidelity on getting the spouse's "forgiveness" to me just mimics what was wrong with the person who committed the infidelity in the first place -- they project their problems onto another person, identifying them as the cause of the problem, and "solve" the problem by substituting another person.  What the adulterer needs to learn is that his/her problems are within him/herself and are within his/her power to address in a more healthy way.
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