Anonymous wrote:It's been over a year for me since I discovered my H's almost-2year relationship. Like OP I had to drag it out of him. He's never really come out clean and seems to pretend it's all behind us: I discovered him, he reluctantly fessed up to what I was able to pull out of him, he apologized, and that's that. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll never be able to "forgive" in the sense that I will never see him in a more positive light or want to put my own effort into rebuilding the relationship. I'm just biding my time for the least devastating moment to break our family apart. In your case, with a toddler who'll probably have no memory of a split or the time before it, you're probablly better off divorcing now.

I'm sorry. I'm the PP above you whose husband also had a two year affair. I also had to drag it out of him, over the course of several months, but by the end, he was convulsing and sobbing on the floor for the man he had become. Over the course of the year we've dealt with it, he committed to therapy, making it a priority and arranging sitters etc. (which had always been my domain), and I've watched him become a better not only husband, but dad and son. His relationship with his parents changed, he even told his mom what he'd done because we are very close and his dad had an affair (we didn't know that until this was happening) and she helped me through it.

In OP's case, it might be soon to tell. In your case, if you actually separate from him, he might change. My husband was able to end the affair and move on from it until he faced the end of our marriage and saw firsthand what he was going to lose.

Have you tried therapy? Has he refused?

It's been over a year for me since I discovered my H's almost-2year relationship. Like OP I had to drag it out of him. He's never really come out clean and seems to pretend it's all behind us: I discovered him, he reluctantly fessed up to what I was able to pull out of him, he apologized, and that's that. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll never be able to "forgive" in the sense that I will never see him in a more positive light or want to put my own effort into rebuilding the relationship. I'm just biding my time for the least devastating moment to break our family apart. In your case, with a toddler who'll probably have no memory of a split or the time before it, you're probablly better off divorcing now.

My husband had a two year affair (was sexual on and off for about 14 months - the thing about affairs is they usually start and stop at least a few times, they are hard to untangle from, they become an addiction). She was also married and had kids. It was a nightmare of epic proportions, but I got through it. We got through it. We stayed, and our marriage grew. I don't think an affair is the best way to grow and face problems and move to a better marriage, but it can happen.

This woman's experience....completely captures so much of my mine (though I was never a mistress like she was, and my husband's affair was a year shorter, and I actually had to get up and go to work in addition to being a mom, to this day, I'm not sure how I did it, but I did). I don't expect anyone to understand, but I don't judge anyone for either staying or going: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/O-Magazines-True-Story-of-Womans-Journey-to-Getting-Over-Infidelity

OP, not that you don't have enough to worry about, but you need to take an STD test. I can only imagine the idiot woman who would get involved with a man who has a toddler.

OP, you sound like you're pretty sure. Divorce seems like a very good idea in this case. I can't imagine ever staying with someone who did that to me. Good luck.

+1000 to the PP above re: your husband is projecting his problems on you without trying to do the work to fix himself.

I would recommend at some point letting go the pain. The pain will eat your insides out and will make you a bitter, untrusting person. Don't let your husband have that power over you. Eventually find the power of letting go of the hurt so you can move on in life.

Letting go of the hurt is not the same as forgetting. The not being able to forget might mean you can move on better without your husband. Look into your soul and see what is best for you and which decisions help you find peace.

Forgiveness by the other is over-rated. My ex cheated. He and the therapist constantly harped on my ability (or inability) to "forgive". I felt like my ex wanted to say "I'm sorry", once and then demanded that I "forgive" him and move on.

I felt like there could be no true "forgiveness" (in the sense of "granting pardon for") unless my Ex really put in some effort to understand why he did it, how it impacted me and our children, and how he was going to prevent it from happening again. Instead of doing the deep self-examination necessary, my ex shifted his focus to my flaw of being unable to "forgive."

There is another sense of the word "forgive", which is to "cease feeling resentment for". That kind of forgiveness may come over time as the trauma of the infidelity subsides and you are able to move forward with your life (in whatever fashion). Or you may "decide" to forgive and release what resentment you feel because it serves YOUR purpose. Or you may decide that what was done was unforgiveable. The failure to forgive doesn't preclude a person from moving on.

But, I don't think it is useful to "forgive" in order that your husband's emotional state can be eased. Your emotions don't exist to erase your husband's pain and self-guilt. He has to do his own work. The only person who can "forgive" him is himself. And, in order to do that he has to acknowledge and confront the magnitude of what he has done and why, make amends for it, and change his life and behavior so it doesn't happen again.

The focus after infidelity on getting the spouse's "forgiveness" to me just mimics what was wrong with the person who committed the infidelity in the first place -- they project their problems onto another person, identifying them as the cause of the problem, and "solve" the problem by substituting another person. What the adulterer needs to learn is that his/her problems are within him/herself and are within his/her power to address in a more healthy way.

I think it will take 1-2 years to recover from a year long affair. So it is not surprising to me that 6 months in you are still not ready. If you want your marriage to have a shot at working, give it much more time (unfortunately, sorry, I know it's miserable).

So sorry OP. I'm with you, I could never trust my DH again. It would be hell to stay with him and "try" to forgive and forget get. But years later I would still feel the same way. I would have to leave him. I hope you can get this all figured out and that you don't suffer any more pain than you already have. Good luck.

NP here.

I have no experience in this arena, but I just wanted to point out that your title isn't being fair to yourself. Your husband didn't only cheat once - he cheated over and over again for a year. If anything the fact that it was only with one woman makes it harder rather than easier, as it speaks to an emotional investment outside of your marriage.

So no idea what the right path for you is, but just think you should give yourself permission to acknowledge that this was in fact a significant and ongoing betrayal. And then as a PP suggested, to figure out how to forgive your spouse before deciding on the right future course.

OP, I could forgive a one-night stand but a year is a different story. Has he given a reason for the affair? His motivation? It is easy to say sex but possibly there is more.

If you are convinced that whatever you had, can never come back, sure you can leave but at least see if he can be open and honest in therapy. Maybe you can get some answers that will be a help moving forward.

"Yes in therapy. Individual & marriage counseling."

As someone who is divorced, I agree 100%. You don't "have it for him" because you haven't forgiven him. Perhaps he hasn't apologized in a meaningful way, perhaps the problem is at your end, but at the very least work on the forgiveness before you decide whether to divorce. (That doesn't mean forgetting what he did, just letting it go to see if you're able to move on.)

Yes in therapy. Individual & marriage counseling.

Over a year? Ouch. That's a mess.

Are you in individual therapy (as well as marriage counseling?)

Honestly, end it when you want to. You have no obligation to stick it out forever. Your child will be less scarred if you divorce now than in 5 years. The younger, ironically the better (so says the evidence).

I discovered my husbands affair (ongoing, over a year) and had to drag it out of him. After trying to make things work for the past 6 months, I feel as though I can't get over this. We are able to talk without screaming, I can convey my thoughts on the situation with clarity and honesty. I've told him I no longer have 'it' for him and see nothing emotional or romantic occurring between us. He is still holding on. I feel like I know it in my heart of hearts that I do not love him. We have a toddler.

How did you know you couldn't get over the affair after attempting to work it out and decided to move on? What was the tipping point?