Reply to MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

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[quote=Anonymous]I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy. 
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