Anonymous wrote:The day to day answer is to not let her comments get to you or take them personally.

A thing that could genuinely help is if your husband takes your kids to hang out with the inlaws for a weekend day here and there (or even an overnight) - while you get some solo time. (I don't suggest you plan this. But you could nudge your husband to think about it.)

It sounds like the DH doesn't care about this. I know in my family the "sons" haven't cared about the relationship with the parents. It's all up to the wives. I know my mom is extremely thankful that she has daughters. Her sons make no effort and then their wives resent my parents not being more involved. But I see how hard it is for my parents to develop a connection when my brothers do nothing to foster it.

Basically, it's complicated. As with any relationship, they generally only work when personalities are compatible and the relationship isn't strained.

The day to day answer is to not let her comments get to you or take them personally.

A thing that could genuinely help is if your husband takes your kids to hang out with the inlaws for a weekend day here and there (or even an overnight) - while you get some solo time. (I don't suggest you plan this. But you could nudge your husband to think about it.)

OP, you have a bunch of boy moms responding.

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how much young women waste their mindspace in all these stupid things.

God! Grow up, OP! Who cares?

Many women have felt this throughout time. They just didn't have a forum to complain about it so that we all hear about it. But I know this is a reality in my world. Boy moms, no matter how great or not, many times don't get the same connection to their grandkids that the maternal mother gets. It's a fact of life that in many cases, girls and their moms have greater connections than boys and their moms. We just hear about it here in ways that back in the day women just talked about it amongst themselves with close friends.

MIL is an entitled baitch. Next time she says something that like about you r parents, tell her what you really think her and why you “exclude” her so much. Don’t let her talk bad about your parents. She’s jealous that you a have good relationship with them and jealous abour their relationship with your kids due to her not having the same with your husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Wow! How am I being a nightmare?

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

I cannot even imagine how much young women waste their mindspace in all these stupid things.

God! Grow up, OP! Who cares?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Honestly, yes. This is the reality. "Boy" moms typically don't have the same access, which can be hard. I'm sure I'd be jealous and while I'd be sure to only complain to spouse, friends, or therapist (and not DS and spouse), it still would hurt. A little compassion extended may help mend things.

Would you also make excuses for why you can’t visit things you’re invited to, or show up late? What else am I supposed to do? Honestly? Most of the time I invite her, it’s ME inviting her, not my husband. Most of the time, he’s not even home. I’m doing all of the work and still getting all of the blame. It’s unfair.

Can you ask her to babysit once a week or something? That way she can see the kids and you can go do something by yourself.
Win Win

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Honestly, yes. This is the reality. "Boy" moms typically don't have the same access, which can be hard. I'm sure I'd be jealous and while I'd be sure to only complain to spouse, friends, or therapist (and not DS and spouse), it still would hurt. A little compassion extended may help mend things.

The only thing you can do is make sure there’s no information stream that you’re contributing to. The story she makes up for herself in her mind is none of your business.

If she asks intrusive questions, the right response is “why do you ask?” Or “DH did you want to take that one?”

And let your husband lead. You should not be putting more work into this relationship than he is.

She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Call her out in a cheery way that shows that you're onto her BS and otherwise just turn off the part of your brain that gets riled up when she makes a jerky comment. You can't care more than your spouse and so that is what I would keep telling myself in my head until it becomes true. (I know - it's hard!)

I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy.