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[quote=Anonymous]It makes sense that you feel afraid, because these situations are real and unfortunately do happen — especially given your experience of being abused so horribly and the added trauma of your parents finding out and not protecting you. That kind of betrayal leaves a lasting imprint, so of course you’re thinking about every possible “what if” now that you’re a parent.

At the same time, not all boys or men grow up to be abusers. A younger son would generally be less likely to abuse or get away with something like that, especially with an involved, aware parent. An older daughter, particularly as she becomes a teenager, would hopefully be mature enough to understand boundaries, say no, stand up for herself, and tell you immediately if anything inappropriate ever happened — and you’ve already shown you’re the kind of parent who would listen and act.

When I was 17, I had brothers who were 14 and 16, and sisters who were 10 and 5. I was very mindful of dynamics like that, and worried about abuse. I talked to my sisters about privacy, consent, inappropriate touching, and the importance of speaking up. I kept a close eye on them around my brothers and often took on babysitting responsibilities. Open conversations and supervision can make a real difference.

As for your concern about having a son, that’s such a tough and deeply personal decision. I don’t think there’s one right answer. Maybe spacing the children so your daughter is five or six years older could provide some added reassurance. And it’s also completely valid if you ultimately decide that one child feels safest and healthiest for you.

I’m truly sorry for what you went through. The fact that you’re in therapy, reflecting this deeply, and determined to protect your daughter already shows how different you are from the environment you grew up in. Your feelings are real and valid, and whatever you choose is absolutely okay. I wish you the best.[/quote]

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